The Female Teenage Activist

Having dealt with one of these on a regular basis I can tell you they are not someone to be taken lightly. There is no cure for them, but with self awareness you may have the ability to suppress their misguided views.

Don't let the smile fool you. She is only after one thing: RIGHTS!

Just The Facts

  1. One out of every three girls in high school will try and work towards a cause that no one gives a shit about.
  2. 99% of those girls will fail and move on to doing something smart with their life.
  3. The last 1% will find themselves chained to a huge ass tree in the rain forest fighting off huge ass mosquitoes (because that is really all the rain forest is good for).


These girls are the direct byproduct of parents who told them "You can be whatever you want when you grow up," and were very disappointed when they found out princess was not on the list of possibilities

Disney makes this shit look easy

Disney makes this shit look easy

As these girls entered school though they did not let the disappointments of reality get them down though. They made sure to get high marks in all their classes, made as many friends as possible, and luckily developed at a very young age. This all made for a deadly combination: A woman whose opinion would actually be listened to!

The Teenage Years

As any female enters that most vital part of her life she is sure of only three things in life:

  1. Her shirts do not fit the same
  2. Boys know her shirts do not fit the same
  3. The world needs to be changed, and she is the only one able to do it

With all this in their arsenal of knowledge, along with an opinion on anything and everything, the teenage female most now be involved in every cause possible. To start though she must make people aware that she cares. At this stage they pick the most showy and obvious way of letting people know "Hey, I care about the shit no one else does,". They become vegetarians.

Vegetarianism: Where it goes downhill

when a young teenage girl makes the decision to hate the meat, it doesn't take long for people to notice. They monopolize on the fact that everyone in school eats from the cafeteria, and also that all lunch ladies are only good at sculpting questionable meat into patties. These girls are the first to demand more vegetarian friendly options, which also stems from parents never saying no to them as a child

Fat kid

How can you say no to the diabetes-ridden face?

And as they fight for their right to only eat countless types of plants that all taste the same or fake burgers that taste like pieces of sod as well as having anemia, they quickly gain the taste for taking a stance on shit that no one gives a shit about

Activism: The Deadly Art of the Developing Woman

Animal Rights

Bambi is the first movie females experience the true sadness of human's slaughter of animals

old yeller

Unless your parents are truly heartless

and at that age they promise themselves that they will stop every animal from ever dying. Now if you have been driving within the last couple hours you can already verify that that promise didn't work out so well, as they probably already know. So they settle for the next best thing: making sure every single person within their reach never fucks with an animal again! And they will use everything in their power to do this, which at the teenage age is really just cleavage.


But it's totally fine when a bear does it, because cleavage doesn't work on a bear

For the girls not blessed in the chest region though, they must default to joining up with organizations full of other flat chested women, along with the men they some how subdued. This organization is called PETA, and though I never gave a shit to care what it stands for, I do know they focus on making sure animals are equal with people. I think there ultimate goal was to get Ed the horse as a president elect, but still as far as I am aware his stance on abortion has kept him out of the running.

Women's Rights

The girls who did not indulge themselves in the Disney fiasco that was the 90s found themselves being more concerned with beauty and appearance. And once again the parents ejaculated fail sauce all over this situation by buying their children dolls such as Barbie. Barbie is perfect if you want your child to strive for an unaccomplishable goal of being the perfect girl.


She already has that not talking thing down to a science. Perfect role model.

Seeing quickly that they will never be as successful or good looking as a plastic doll (damn the warped psyches that these girls have) they instead begin to wage a war on the stereotypes that women must fit into on a day to day basis


Along with the miniskirts that men want them to fit into on a day to day basis

With genders the way they are these days though, if women aren't trying to be girls, process of elimination makes them trying to be guys. The age of the the dangle surgery isn't until about 18 though, so teenage girls have to try the next best thing: equal rights. These are the girls who when you open a door for them go straight for the groin kick to let you know "Chivalry is dead, as well as your hopes at being fertile," At this age though with potential and statuses that exist in high school, they are not willing to do anything drastic other than bitch about every form of special treatment they feel their male counterparts are getting.


"What is this gender bias bullshit?! I demand we get these twat washers in our bathroom as well!"

The World Changers

There still is a type of activist though that has not been mentioned yet. She is considered the most noble of all the teen activists, working purely to change the world. They learn all they can about under privileged areas around the world and they plan to make it their mission to change them all, single handedly.


Pictured: An empowered woman ready to fist life in the ass

They are also realists though and at some point see the truth of the world. Still, the ambition to make a difference is far too overwhelming. And so is one other thing that flows thick through their veins: catholicism. Because the only thing that aggravates a teenage female activist more than the suffering of impoverished youths is the fact that those youths could die happy believing in a god that doesn't dictate every aspect of their life. Most of these girls end of becoming missionaries, going to places like Africa in order to force religion down starving children's throats

starving boy

If only they would force steak down their throats

In Conclusion

With all this valuable information, I hope now that everyone can understand where teenage female activism stems from, and why it is so important to make sure your young little girls know that not every little cause in the world is worth fighting for. No one gives a shit whether a muskrat is going extinct and your poster will never change that no matter how much glitter you put on it. And a hunger strike isn't that threatening when you look bulimic to begin with. And supportive boyfriends, if you are going to go to a rally, you better be getting all different types of laid. Like positions that only poor people know about.