Puppies

Dogs are man's best friend - something we've all heard a million times before, right? A fun sized, super fluffy, super cute baby dog must be an even best-er friend then. Right? Right? Well, read on.

All encompassing guide to puppies.

Just The Facts

  1. Puppies are baby dogs that will eventually grow into bigger adult dogs (sometimes much bigger).
  2. They will destroy your worldly posessions and possibly defecate on them. The odds are stacked in favour of you stepping in your puppy's urine while inside your own home.
  3. They have razor sharp teeth and claws and are still learning how to use them. They will most likely learn on your skin.
  4. They are well past the legal limit for adorable and they do not play fair - it is nigh impossible to stay mad at those big puppy eyes.

Puppies Will Grow Up. Wrap Your Head Around It Now.

I'm sure you've heard the "a puppy is for life, not just for Christmas/Birthday/St Patrick's Day" line before. If you ever actually needed the logic of it explained to you, kindly refrain from ever actually getting a puppy. Puppies grow up into adult dogs. Some puppies will get bigger than others. Learn your breeds. Learn about the type of dog you're getting. Take this picture, for example.

Don't you just want to reach through the monitor and hug it? Forever and ever?

Looks really, really cute, right? If you saw that in the pet shop window, looking up at you with those big brown eyes, you'd think 'golly gee whiz, Little Samatha would just love one of these', wouldn't you? Don't lie, the wording is dead-on. I mean, look at that puppy. It can't get that much bigger, can it?

Wrong.

Do you see that thing that looks like a tiger? You might have to concentrate for a second. Spotted it? Okay, that's a tiger. That dog on the bottom is the same breed (a German Shepherd) as that adozzable puppy you just saw. They are possibly related. That dog chilling with the tiger might be little Fluffy's long lost Uncle Murray, twice removed. That Fluffy you just bought for Little Samantha is going to be roughly the same size as long lost Uncle Murray. Fluffy will also live for ten years, give or take two or three. Fluffy will only be little for one of them.

See, that's the thing about babies - they tend to grow and grow rapidly. I've heard rumours that human spawn does the same thing. They're probably nothing more than rumours, though.

Puppies Are Miniature War Machines.

It's hard to communicate exactly how much damage a small puppy can do to your home, your person and/or your sanity. Under the guises of 'playing' and 'exploring', they are hell-bent on systematically bringing chaos to your home and everything in it. If they can reach something, they are likely to take it and start chewing on it. You know, just testing it for you. Of course, that's it. Yeah.

Anyone who's owned a puppy for longer than, say, four seconds should be able to tell you this. They romp and they bounce and it's oh so cute until they've got their little mouths around your mobile phone. Or possibly your finger. Ouch. Humans aren't the only ones aware of this, either.

Observe: my dogs are now internet famous. Left: Pumba. Right: Max.

This may seem like a perfectly innocent photo. I implore you to look deeper into it. Look into Pumba's eyes. See the suspicion and the slight dread. He's looking in the direction of the cute ickle puppy, Maximus. It's obvious that Pumba knows that to his side lurks evil. If other dogs understand the inherent evilness that comes with being a puppy, why don't more humans?

By the way, Pumba was right to be cautious. Sources (otherwise known as me) tell me that seconds later, Max had a tuft of white fur between his teeth.

Now, not only will their teeth bring you nothing but pain and abject misery, but the opposite end of a puppy is also dangerous. Puppies don't come toilet trained. That's their excuse, anyway. For the first few weeks of dog ownership, your house is a free-for-all luxury sized canine toilet. You'll soon learn not to walk around in bare feet. Unless you're into that sort of thing, in which case I'll again advise you not to get a dog.

While we're still on the subject of puppies being built for destruction, I might as well throw in that if you're the least bit allergic to dogs, then they've got the biological warfare side of things covered, too.

You Can't Stay Mad At Them.

You might be thinking that you'll solve all of the aforementioned troubles quickly and easily with the use of a little discipline. Good luck. The one thing I've been saying this whole article is that puppies are cute. They are genetically engineered in state-of-the-art laboratories to disarm humans, rendering their disciplining methods defunct. As I said before, they are war machines. Though they aren't covered with any sort of advantageous physical armour, their method of punishment prevention is just as effective.

Just try to scold it. Go on.

Plainly put; puppies don't play fair. Somewhere in the dark recesses of their mind, they feel a compulsion to turn on the cuteness right when they need to. It works, too.

It's not just a deflector for punishment, either. Look at the puppies at your nearest pet store. Check back in a week or two - most of them will probably be gone and be replaced with other puppies. This shows you that people have fallen for the adorableness. Even before they've become a part of your family, the evil, tricksey puppies are working their magic over you. One look into those puppy eyes and you're a goner. It's like a basilisk, but cuddly.

We Love Them Anyway.

Puppies make us feel awesome. They're invaluable friends who stick by us and love us, no matter what. They're amazingly loyal and often have a strong desire to please you. They want you to be just as happy with life as they are. On top of that, they rely on us totally to help them get through the day. They need us to feed them, to keep them safe and, most importantly, to love them. They trust us entirely and completely with this. That's a great feeling.

They're also very soft and huggable.

There isn't much in the world that feels quite like the unconditional, never-ending love you get from a puppy. Although no one can deny how destructive and exhausting they can be, when you have a puppy, you have a friend that will be right there with you for its entire life. They will guard and protect you as best they can (unless they get scared, in which case they'll guard and protect you from behind your legs).

Even though they might be fraught with challenges and designed to give you headaches at times, puppies are awesome. Science says so.