Falco

Falco was the stage name for Johann (Hans) Hölzel, Austria's first international pop star.

As hard as it might be to believe, this guy was popular in the 1980s.

Just The Facts

  1. 1756: Salzburg, January 27, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is born.
  2. 1761: at the age of five, Amadeus begins composing.
  3. 1773: he writes his first piano concerto.
  4. 1782: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart marries Constance Weber.
  5. 1784: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart becomes a Freemason.
  6. 1791: Mozart composes "The Magic Flute". On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies.
  7. 1985: Austrian rock singer Falco records "Rock Me Amadeus". The rest is history.

Rock Me.

Recognized as a musical prodigy at an early age (The Vienna Music Academy confirmed he had perfect pitch when he auditioned for them at age five), Falco released 12 albums (wait, really? 12?) over a two decade career. However, if you're American, you probably only know this about him:

It's also possible you think he and Taco are the same person. They are not.

Also, we should point out that he released an album called Weiner Blut, that features a song cover from a band who is named after a famous dildo from literature. We absolutely did not make any of that up. Also, dongs.

The Falco Stairs: Lamest Tribute Ever. Except For The Other Ones.

Most artists and people of note get a statue, or at least a street named after them. Falco got a staircase. A staircase that goes nowhere in particular. A staircase with this poignant to the point of absurdity dedication:

"Falco took the attitude of a whole generation and brought it to the world. He was Austria's first and probably only international pop star."

Tell me that isn't the saddest thing you've ever read about a European pop star that didn't involve a cheesburger.

Also, as if to add insult to injury, the first musicians inspired to devote a tribute song to him was the fucking Bloodhound Gang-

Ten years later, San Francisco adopted a sister staircase, but it's very likely that it's existence is a prank by an artist collective. Even in death, Falco can't get a break. Don't turn around, indeed.