Zodiac Change

Your irrelevant Zodiac sign has likely changed, is this bad news? Experts say: "I dunno."

What's my sign? I dunno.

Just The Facts

  1. The new zodiac sign is called Ohpiuchus.
  2. It is clearly a play on the phrase "Oh, fuck us."
  3. "Us" refers to persons whom for some reason, care about zodiac signs.
  4. The rest of the signs are the same, except their corresponding animals have all been made anatomically correct on calendars.
  5. It's actually pronounced "OFF-ee-YOO-kuss"

Why you should care.

People care about stupid shit. The news makes a big deal out of something and the public eats it up, this is not anything new.

In recent years we've had Bill Clinton getting some action in the White House, Janet Jackson's infamous nipple slip, the fight to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance, Darfur and now the changing of the zodiac signs. This is 2011's first Inane Information Invasion.

In case you haven't checked your twitter account in the last 30 seconds, let me break it down for you. Shit just got real.

These are the new dates for Zodiac Signs:

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

You've been living all these years thinking you were a Sagittarius, only making decisions based on what a little section in the newspaper said about the potential of your day. You surely couldn't go around enjoying yourself if your day was destined to be a five. A FIVE! Come on, that's a stay in bed all day watching Law and Order reruns rating.

"I don't even get out of bed for anything lower than an 8."

Well, I'm sorry to tell you that you've been living a lie. All those horoscopes you've read were nothing but misinformation. When you read that uplifting bulletin in the paper that led to you taking that big life step, which resulted in a promotion at work; or meeting the love of your life, you were totally reading someone else's message. It's time to reevaluate your life good sir or madam, cause you fucked up big time.