Janitors

Everyone knows the creepy janitor/custodian/maid/housekeeper at their school/job/hotel/campground they went to once. I'm here to give you an inside look at what shit they have to put up with (no pun intended).

Actual depiction of every janitor on earth.

Just The Facts

  1. Stephen King was once the creepy janitor at a toothpick factory.
  2. Janitors and housekeepers in hospitality based work run the second highest risk of contracting an infectious disease.
  3. Womens bathrooms are far more disgusting than mens rooms.

What Do Janitors Do?

Within an eight hour work shift a janitor and/or housekeeper will come in contact with hundreds of thousands of potentially dangerous microorganisms. Between people hiding their used heroin needles between the matress and boxspring of hotel rooms and adults deciding to just go ahead and take a shit on the bathroom floor for laughs, the diseases are theirs for the catching.

Besides contracting various infections that haven't been named yet on a daily basis, the common custodian typically dust mops floors and is seen in it's natural habitat wheeling around a mop bucket filled with dirty water and a cleaner that smells like a mix of lemons and dirty socks. For about two hours a day they bitch about how inconsiderate most people are and fantisize about going to the patrons houses and throwing trash on their floors and puking in the kitchen sink.

After a 45 minute screaming fit, they move on to vacuuming where they spend another hour or so crawling around on the floor, wearing a monocle and checking for bed bugs. If any are found, they are urged to put on their government issued biohazard suit (complete with rapist goggles) and immediately evacuate the building.


Every janitors secret weapon.

Occasionally they're called to minor maintenace duty, snaking toilets, fixing shower heads and cleaning out shower drains clogged with someones underwear. Other things include but are not limited to: replacing lightbulbs and water filters, repairing furniture and pest extermination.

Janitors In Fiction

Janitors are a staple in every genre of movie or television show, they are usually just an extra who doesn't utter a single word, just giving the lead man some type of deceptive look and pointing at something. The custodian is rarely a character with a role that runs more than a total of 4 minutes. Unless you're the Janitor from Scrubs (who is nothing like a real cleaner, I never saw him carrying a 5 gallon bucket of green sawdust) or Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (which is a slightly more realistic form of a custodian, especially with the illiteracy and glue huffing).


Not fooled.

Janitors are not limited to TV shows and movies, some people have attempted to make a garbage collecting video game. Junkbot is a computer game created by the Lego corporation in 2003 about a robot that gets a job at a factory and eats peoples trash. The idea was most likely pitched by angry elementary school janitors who needed a shitload of cash, which they would never recieve. Sure kids love legos, but it's doubtful that they would play a video game about a typewriter/AT-ST Walker hybrid that eats what they throw away. The main character could have been a bum wearing a cardboard box that smelled a lot like hot cat piss and it would have faired better.

Memoirs of A Turd Herder (A True Story)

"It was a beautiful summer day in the Northeast and nearly payday. I had entered the building still a little angry that 6AM had come so soon and considered quitting drinking. A co-worker who was way too excited for the day or had just smoked a bunch of meth said good morning, quickly changing my mind. I punched in and was greeted by another co-worker, this one tolerable, and was told that there was no running water for the patrons.

I moved on to my pre-break smoke and coffee break and was rudely interrupted by one of the three scheduled maintenance guys asking if we knew where any buckets were. I hadn't exactly paid any attention to what my co-worker had said and dumbly asked why the buckets were needed. I grabbed two and I was promptly taken to another restroom where I encountered the most horrifying smell of my life.

I slowly opened the ladies room door, with the collar of my shirt over most of my face. The lights were off, except one in a shower stall at the back of the room, casting an eerie light through it. I asked if anyone was in there in a frightened British accent, no one replied. I turned the light on and walked to the first toilet stall and pushed the door open, holding a toilet plunger in front of me like a sword. Two of my co-workers were behind me, holding onto my shirt as if I was going to be pulled into the feces encrusted bowl by an unseen force. The only thing I could utter was: "Oh dear god!". I turned around to face my co-workers and I could see the terror in their eyes.

I sent them off with the buckets to retrieve water from the lake. 18,000 people had filled all 78 toilets in a matter of 3 hours. We made our rounds every 10 minutes until the water problem was resolved. 90% of the patrons left before the issue was fixed, the other 10% bitched at the janitorial and maintenace staff, not realizing that the staff didn't cause it. All the employees at the establishment have come to fear federal holidays after this disaster."