It's finally done! My two month hell in Trubie Land is now documented and published, so-to-speak.
I'm MZ, journalist of the supernatural and weirdly creepy. I heard through the grapevine that apparently, nowhere else has as much supernatural activity than Bon Temp, Louisiana. Well...my grapevine was actually a fairy named Claudine, but that's besides the point. She told me that her cousin/fairy god child Sookie Stackhouse is not only part fairy, but a telepath who dates a vampire. She also does business for vampires and werewolves. Caludine also said that she's worried about her cousin, but also thought that it would be a great career opportunity for me. This could get me on day time tv. I could win the pulitzer. I could be the most famous author since JK Rowling. This appealed to me, as I wish I were 50 billion dollars richer than the woman who is currently richer than the Queen of England.
So, I packed my bags in my shitty house in North Carolina and took a seven and a half hour drive to Atlanta. I slept in a scary, unhygenic motel in the projects. I didn't get much sleep because I could hear a woman being raped and some gangbangers jumping some poor innocent guy in the alley by my window. The next day, I checked out and hightailed it out of the the "dirty south" and into the voodoo backwoods of the state of Louisana. I went and made a pit stop into Shreveport where I was told that Sookie would be meeting me. However, she said that Sookie could only meet me after dark. She was going on a date with her vampire boyfriend, Bill (wtf?), in a vampire bar called Fangtasia. This instantly made me think of vampires dressed as classic Disney characters (think Mickey...with fangs). So, I holed up in my hotel room until 8. I found Fangtasia easily enough, it was a piece of shit building with a red neon sign with the club's logo, and a vampire checking IDs in front.
piece of shit building
The vampire looked like she was thirty before she died, with this grotesque pleather dress. I think she knew that I knew that we both knew that this dress was horrible. She looked more like a vampire who liked pastels. I handed her my ID and she looked at it. Her name tag said "Pam".
Pam. I Like Pam
Pam- Barely legal aren't you?
Me- Just turned 18. I've never been this close to vampires before.
Pam- You're in my vault child. Don't cause any trouble.
Me- No problem Pam! I'll try my best not to stake anyone.
I go in and I know that the Fangtasia in my head was a lot more horrifying than the one that laid before me. There were vampire dancers in weird S&M getups, a vampire bartender who looked like Cherokee death warmed over, and two people who stuck out like sore thumbs. One was probably Bill, Sookie's boyfriend. He had dark hair and he wasn't bad looking, but man was he short. He was like a deadly pocket midget. Beside him was Sookie. The only odd thing I could think about her was that she wore a bright red and white dress (this is a vampire bar. where's the fishnets and tube tops?) and had round eyes that were reeeeeeally close together. They kind of freaked me out. Ah well, I made my way over.
Me- Ms. Stackhouse?
Sookie- Oh! You must be MZ. Claudine told me you'd be coming.
Bill's weird whisper thing was creepy. How she fucks this guy is beyond me. He's weird. He's like the Edward Cullen and your worst stalker nightmare's love child.
So...you see what i mean right?
Sookie- Oh, right. This is Bill Compton, my boyfriend who lives across the graveyard from my house.
That really doesn't help the Edward Cullen/YWSN love child's case.
Me- Great. Graveyard. Interesting. Anyway, I was wondering if you could tell me what was going on in Bon Temps?
Sookie- Well, this whore got killed after my brother fucked her. She was strangled to death and then the same thing happened to this other whore that I worked with. Oddly enough, Jason, that's my brother, fucked them both right before they died. I know he didn't do it though.
Me- Pardon me, but it sounds like he did it.
Sookie- Well he didn't and I'm going to find out who did. Besides, they both were with vampires, so that's why I'm here. They both came here.
Bill- *points to the sex on a stick who is louging in a thrown* He's called us. We have to go over there.
this doesn't wear the sock during the nude scenes. yeah...i'd tap that...A LOT
We all got up and went over to the Sex On Stick. Turns out his name is Eric. He's the "sheriff of Area 5" and he likes Sookie. Sookie askes him some questions about the whores and then we leave. Sookie said that I can check out tomorrow after a good night's rest and bunk with her for a while. My trip was only going to be two months, but I suppose having a nice house to room in wasn't so bad. A few days go by and I shadow Sookie. I hung out in Merlotte's because there doesn't seem to be any other bar in this po dunk town. I can tell instantly that Sam is a shifter. Okay, I didn't already know. I saw him shift from the form of a collie before he clocked in. Let me tell you, the buns on that guy....
I digress. Tara is fucked up, but she's cool. Her and Sam have this thing. Cute. Lafayette is the token gay guy. I asked him if he knew if he was going to die and be stuffed into Andy Bellefleur's car. He replied like I knew he would:
Lafayette- Hooka please. Imma fan favorite. Ain't no gotdamn way I'm goin anywheres.
Me- Well iight then, bitch.
Lafayette- I like you boo.
Me- I like you too.
you can't help but love him
We're best friends now. I'm not 100% behind his prostitution, drug dealing, and his internet show, but we're cool like that. Then disaster struck! Sookie's Gran is killed by the vampire-whore strangler! It sucked because Gran was a beast. The wake was kind of a mess though. Sookie came out of the fridge with a pie and I freaked out on her.
Me- Sookie Stackhouse, you put that pie back!
Sookie gave me a confused look.
Sookie- I was just-
Me- THAT'S GRAN'S PIE!
I took some shit LaLa gave me to keep calm. While I was sleeping, Jason came in and bitch slapped Sookie. Whatever LaLa gave me was the bees kness cause I didn't hear anything. Tara went on a bender and Bill kills the Native American bartender at Fangtasia. Everything is all fucked up. Jason finds that chick from Mean Girls, fucks her, and then it turns out, she gets strangled too. Jason is sure he did it, but I don't think so. I went to Sam a few days later, and I asked him if he caught the scent of the guy from the crime scenes. Sam said he did. He said he smelled a fake Cajun accent. I knew instantly who it was. It was Rene, Jason's best friend. He went and tried to attack Sookie, but me and Sam kicked his ass. Sookie sent a shovel into his neck. Meanwhile, Bill was off doing something on a "business trip" and Tara went to live with Maryann. I knew instantly that Maryann was one crazy bitch, but I didn't say anything.
i'm starting to think i should've said something
So the next month, Jason decided to go to the cult...*ahem*...I mean church. It was an anit-vampire (well...anything really) type of church called the Fellowship of the Sun. This gave me Lord of the Rings flashbacks, but where there was Frodo there was Steve Newlin and instead of Smeagol who provided some mild mental instution humor, we have Steve's wife. She's cute i guess in a stand-over-you-with-a-knife-while-you-sleep kind of way
Meanwhile, me, Sookie, Bill, and get this: Bill's sire or whatever, head to Dallas. (Bill was kinda busy on his "business trip"). Her name is Jessica. I like her hair.
notice awesome red hair
Jessica- OMG!! We can order porn on tv!
Me- That's sooooooo 2001. Check this out! *flips it to vampire porn*
Jessica- Holy shit!
Bill- Stop corrupting her!
Me- We'll someone has to. It's not like you're doing a good job.
Sookie- She's gotta point.
After we chill and rest up, we go to this house. Apparently, the Fellowship de la Dickheads stole Godric. Well, at this point, I'm lost. I have no fucking clue who Godric is. Eric does though. Somehow, he ended up with us with his awesomely freaky vampire flying power thing. Pam had to watch over Fangtasia. Sucks for me, I have no one to banter with except a 17 year old vampire who totally digs a 28 year old guy. Not that I'm complaining, Hoyt is a cool dude...but he's old and lives with his bigot mother. WEIRD.
i'm not gonna lie. he's kinda adorable.
Anyway, Sookie goes:
Sookie- Well let me do it. I can snoop around.
Me- Fuck me, I totally forgot you were a telepath.
Eric- How the hell do you forget that? For a journalist, you're not very coherent.
Me- You are not wrong you sexy beast.
So the next day, Sookie goes with this vampire chick's boyfriend and they pretend their married and trying to find a church to join. I said fuck that because it's so lame. I infiltrate the Fellowship of the Vampire Kidnappers, throw on a warrior outfit (via sweat pants, crappy silver ring, and paint ball gun), and walk around like I've been there the entire time. I snoop and bam!
Jason get's his balls handed to him by Mrs. Newlin via paint ball gun. Poor bastard. No time for him right now, I had to find Godric. I hear several screams and I find Sookie. Vampire chick's bf is dead, Newlin's henchman is dead, Sookie is in a corner, and Godric...well...
Me- Heeeellooooo nurse!
even if he just killed two dudes and is covered in blood, the animal magnetism is just delicious
Godric- I'm not a nurse.
Me- Like hell, you're one fine ancient vamp bro. Are you going to kill yourself dude?
Sookie- MZ! Rude!
Me- What? It's a logical question. He did in the book. So are you?
Godric- We'll now I'm not gonna now that you ruined it.
Me- No man! You have to! You're bad and evil and you've lived way too long and all that suicidal vampire bull.
Godric- Well when you put it like that...
Sookie- MZ! That's Eric's maker.
Me- Well I see where he get's his looks from.
Sookie- The fuck?
Me- I know. That absolutely made no sense, but just go with it okay? By the way, Jason's here. I think he had an affair.
Sookie- OMG! LET'S GO!
Eric- I'm here!
Godric- Kill no one
We run out and Steve is all pissy. He ties Eric with some silver chains (guh, he can't kill anyone) and Me and Sook are bounded by some piss poor henchmen. Just then, Bill comes in.
Me- Dude, you do not realize how creepy that shit is. Sook, I'll be real damn glad when you dump this piece of shit.
Sookie- No, I love him!
Me- Sex with Eric is way better, just letting you know.
Steve- SHUT UP! I'll kill you all!
All of a sudden, there's a bright green circle on Steve's forehead and Steve falls back. We look around and there's Jason with his I'm-stupid-but-I'm-hot-and-a-badass look on. Godric comes in.
Godric- Can we just leave now?
So we do. We go to this awesome party at Godric's house. Who comes to ruin it? Lorena. Fuck that bitch. She tries to choke out Sookie while I'm in the crowd.
Me- KICK HER ASS SOOKIE!
Eric- Can you shut up for two seconds?
Me- You know you're gonna get shot right?
Sure enough, Steve sends in a suicide bomber who blows the place up with silver stakes. Vamps are dead, some are wounded, humans are dead. It's a mess. The next thing I know, Eric and Sook are blood bonded (YESSSSS!), Bill's pissed, and Lorena ran away. Nan Flanagan comes over. She's PISSED. I'm quite scared of her, but I'm chill. I've got mad respect for The Flan. Godric quits, Eric's all emo, Sookie speaks up for him, Nan shuts her DOOOOWWN. We go back to the hotel and I find that the TV is completely busted.
Me- The fuck?
Bill- Lorena, captive, don't ask.
i decided not to ask.
We leave Dallas after Godric "meets the sun" and we head back to Bon Temps. As soon as I see the spray painted penis on the Welcome to Bon Temps sign, I knew Maryann did some shit.
This crazy ass bitch is a Maenad, an immortal follower of Dionysus, the Horned God, or whatever. She wants to sacrifice Sam so that he'll come down and bang her. She puts the entire town under mind control. Fortunatly for me, I stocked up on Maenad repellent when I hit the South of the Border. I go off and try and help Andy Bellefluer and Jason ward off the zombies. I'm not gonna lie, Terry, Andy's cousin, is fucking hilarious. Jason pretends to be the Horned God (or the Horny God haha) so that everyone will leave Sam (and his buns) alone. He looks pretty much like this:
he just wreaks of godliness right?
Well, before Jason put on the horns, Terry's response was:
Terry- Bullshit, got has horns.
Me- Very true mi amigo.
Anyway, Jason and Andy find some "horns" and then Sam shape shifts into a fly or something so it looks like he got his ass vaporized. Well, they let Maryann know and she sounded pretty pissed. The three of us haul ass to Sookie's house where she's building a meat tree. Sook is in a dress, Maryann is vibrating, Tara and this dude I don't know (I'm pretty sure his name was Yolk or Eggs or something) are doing crazy shit. I'm looking in the house and I'm pissed.
Me- Sook, when this is over, you owe me a new toothbrush.
Sook- What? What happened to it.
Me- You don't even wanna know.
Suddenly, there's a bull. I'm assuming it's Sam. The bull stabs Maryann in the chest and then he transforms into a human again (no clothes! woo!) and rips her ugly, gross, black (not an exageration) heart out. She dies, Egg's get's shot somehow, Tara is sad, and I go back into the house. Me and Sook fall into the couch.
it just goes to show you: under all that crazy..there's just more crazy.
Me- Ya know...I think I'll go back to North Carolina.
Sookie- Really? You're not gonna stick around in time for me to kill Lorena?
Me- No, I'm pretty sure I'll be around for that. I'm kind of exhausted: murderer, suicidal vamp, Fellowship of the Ring, and a fucking maenad with a zombie army. How do you deal with this?
Sookie- Lots of vampire sex.
Me- Sounds great. I'll be leaving tomorrow.
Sookie- Hey, do you want any of Gran's pie?
Me- Hooka please.
So the next day, I drove. I went to Atlanta and stayed in the same hotel and then I made my way back to my shitty house in North Carloina. I'm thinking I'll come back next summer. Maybe I'll stay for another two months. For now, I need to rest up, get season 3 on DVD, and wait till season 4. It'll come sooner than you think.