Writing Die Hard 5
In October, 2010, Bruce Willis announced that shooting for Die Hard 5 would begin in 2011. We here at Cracked assume that filming will begin around the same time.
Just The Facts
- The films are called "Die Hard" because they induce a lifelong boner.
- Unlike Danny Glover and Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, Bruce Willis is not, in fact, too old for this shit. He isn't really all that racist either.
- Bruce Willis took out a helicopter with a car in Die Hard 4 because he ran out of bullets. You don't want to see what happens when he runs out of cars.
- There are no comedic "Bruce Willis facts". He breaks people's necks before they can finish writing th-
Overview of Every Other Die Hard Movie
Every Die Hard movie starts the same way. Bruce Willis, our protagonist, is going about his day as he usually would. He's either having some kind of family issues or he has a washed-up-cop style hangover. Hell, in Die Hard 3 it was both. The point is that he's having a pretty terrible day from jump street.
Next, he witnesses some kind of evil plot and tries to alert the authorities that the proverbial fan, and everything in the room it is currently cooling, are about to be covered in shit. Naturally, none of the other cops believe the guy who's been totally right about everything in his career and has single-handedly taken down entire teams of terrorists on multiple occasions.
"Do you guys reckon that John is telling the truth about those European terrorists?"
"No. Also, for the last time, I'm trying to piss here. I told you to wait in the car."
As the situation progresses, and as Bruce Willis creates more and more dead people for Haley Joel Osment to see, it slowly becomes apparent that the bad guys' true motives are not what they seemed at first. Instead, they're planning some kind of overly elaborate money heist.
We plan on making Die Hard 5 in the same spirit.
The Sidekick
We're not going to give the whole thing away, but let's just say our version of Die Hard 5 has some gunfire, some tight spaces, some dubious police officers, explosions, a tall building, some terrorists making a series of demands relating to something convoluted and German, John McClane cracking wise, family problems, an uncomfortable sidekick, a 'yippee ki yay motherfucker' moment, a plot twist and a happy ending.
This being one of the odd numbered Die Hards, it may be revealed slightly later in the movie that the remaining members of the infamous Gruber family have struck again.
I'm just so tired, you know.
The Family Issue
So who should Bruce Willis' new sidekick be? In Die Hard, the sidekicks are usually based off quirky stereotypes. So because it's 2011, we plan on choosing Michael Cera.
"We have to save the world? Oh, that's fine I guess. I didn't really have anything else going on any-
way. If that's okay with you I suppose. I'm cool with saving the world. If that's what you want."
Michael Cera, our sidekick, is also the new boyfriend of Bruce Willis' daughter. His penis is the family issue here. If you wouldn't have a problem with Michael Cera's penis coming into contact with anything even remotely related to you then you're not paying attention.
"Oh ... Another picture of me? That's fine I guess. I mean, if you need it to write your article then I suppose that's okay if that's what you're after."
As if that weren't stressful enough, Bruce Willis will also have to acknowledge that his latest reality documentary is looking quite a bit like "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World". I mean, really? Michael Cera and Mary Elizabeth Winstead in the same movie again? What is this shit? A Tim Burton film?
Oh... you're using the same actors again Mr. Burton? If that's what you want, that's fine.
Fear not good readers! We have a solution. To conquer this dilemma of similarities, Bruce Willis will pistol-whip Michael Cera repeatedly at regular intervals throughout the film. If that doesn't sound like an adequate solution to you, just wait until you see it. It'll make you laugh, and that's where our version of Die Hard 5 differs from Scott Pilgrim.
The Bad Guy(s)
After much deliberation over our casting options for the Gruber brothers, our final choice essentially came down to the three European actors who we deemed were the most capable of executing a smoldering look in sepia tone.
These men are all viable terrorists.
We settled on Liam Neeson and Clive Owens as our final two villains, since research into the three men's past work revealed that Robert Pattinson has never actually acted. Sneaking into a young girl's bedroom and watching her sleep was apparently something they just caught him doing on film one day. Weird, right? Anyway, we dismissed him from the potential cast of our film shortly after (something that we hope he will be familiar with soon enough, but let's move on from this exhausted joke).
Aaaaaaaaaand done.
Marketing
Bobblehead
Poster
Five words: h-bomb, zip line, and Reginald VelJohnson. Scene, motherfucker.
Five words: h-bomb, zip line, and Reginald VelJohnson.
Scene, motherfucker.
Great job making Die Hard 5 seem like an actual movie but as someone who actually sat through all of Die Hard 4 there was something missing. Hint: it was fuck. They tried to get a PG-13 rating (and succeeded) and made billions. I figure they'll probably do the same with Die Hard 5. It's just not the same without the blood, gore, language, and yippy kay aye.
ReplyThe only version that was okay is the unrated version, and that still doesn't help it a whole lot.
He was forced to pretend to be racist in the Third film in the franchise. He had to wear a sandwich board that said "I hate niggers" on it.
ReplyI think the joke was actually on the whole Mel Gibson "raped by a pack of niggers" racism thing... Google it
At least he RUNS OUT of bullets...
ReplyAnd shoes. Don't forget the shoes.
why the hate on scott pilgrim?
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesseriously.
I believe it's known in English as a joke.
Actually if you're going to invoke "English" I believe someone in comments once referred to them not as jokes but rather jocques.
Ta ta, then. Fag?
K. Double post.
i think it's hate on michael cera. because f**k michael cera, that's why.
not really hate on scott pilgrim and more Michael Cera. They are comparing Die Hard and Scott Pilgrim with similarities.
If Die Hard 5 will be finished in 2012...
ReplyWell, folks, we have our answer.
Wha-? Ohhhh, I get it. Haha.
Bruce Willis took out a helicopter with a car in Die Hard 4 because he ran out of bullets. You don't want to see what happens when he runs out of cars.
Replyi laughed so hard.
Does anybody else actually want Neeson to be the villain in Die Hard 5? Because that sounds awesome.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI thought it sounded pretty cool when I read it. I'm on board.
Me, too. Although, since the bad guy always dies at the end, there's probably going to be quite a few votes for Robert Pattinson, just to see that glorious happy ending.
Also, if Michael Cera comes anywhere near anything involving this movie, I will have to break my streak of loving Die Hard.
Pattinson could be Neeson's right-hand man, and dispatched accordingly.
Or he could be Neeson's bitch. Is that the same thing?
Pattinson could play Neeson's right-hand man, and find himself appropriately dispatched at some point short of the end.
Or he could be Neeson's bitch. Is that the same thing?
Sometimes I have to think to myself, didn't I quit playing computer games some years ago? Because the computer is playing games with me. (Original post appears not to have made it upon looking after a refresh, so I repost essentially the same comment, and then both posts are there and I can edit neither...)
Die Hard rules.
ReplyIf I must.
Start with some kind of a holiday. Do something to show the absolute humanity of your hero, the fact that he is not Superman, like maybe he takes someone's advice to scratch his butt or rub his feet on the floor or even trick Jacqueline Bisset into f*****g him in the john on the airplane (I'll take that last one). Don't worry, he'll still get to f**k the ex later in the movie.
Stock up on white t-shirts, stuff them in whatever pockets you have handy so you can change them after they get all dirty and no one will be the wiser. Then they will get dirty again and you can change them again. Sometimes you can put on a dirtier one instead of a fresh one (that will keep the kids ruminating; an Inception kind of a thing).
Hire a hip person to drive you to the scene of the disaster you are going to avert in spite of everyone's interference (including the reporter, the cop with donuts and your ex... oh wait, the cop with donuts is helping you and you are hoping to f**k your ex later - scratch those two from this particular list).
Brush up on your German name calling as well as your classic western movie quotes. Do not combine them improperly: "Auf Wiedersehen, Pilgrim!", well, I mean, it doesn't really work.
Crack wise. Sorry, that was supposed to be inserted between each and every other rule in the list and sometimes right in the middle of them.
Ogle your ex - there's lots to like. (Nice face. Nice tits. Nice pussy. Nice legs. Turn around, honey. Nice ass.) Flick your little finger to rid yourself and everyone else of the little f**k who also appears to be ogling your ex.
Take a bathroom break while elsewhere other things are breaking loose, namely all hell. Possibly scope out the air vents.
Well s**t, Camytaru. Just look up how to do it on tvtropes or wiki or something, ok? I'm busy thinking about Jacqueline Bisset and Bonnie Bedelia back in them days. Dey was hot stuff.
Hilarious work
ReplyThank you kind sir.
i just noticed theres something incredibly wrong with the Edward actor guy's eyes
Replyand the rest of his face. it's been smashed with a frying pan.
Let's get really real right now...
ReplyDie Hard. Greatest. Movie. Ever.
Are you implying that Scott pilgrim vs. The world wasn't funny? Really?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIt was an overhyped piece of hipster shit.
Now Robert, everyone knows that hipsters don't poop.
I actually enjoyed it.
Hipsters do poop, but they do it in the street instead of on the can and refuse to use toilet paper so as to make a stoic statement about modern society's wasteful attitude toward the environment, which they later update on their blog using their brand new MacBook Air.
Yeah, actually, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, was, in fact a fairly good movie, in my opinion. It did interesting things with it's love story, and the fights were well choreographed. The director, Edgar Wright, certainly has a unique style that I find quite stylish and there were definitely a few parts that I found humorous. In my opinion.
This is pretty fuckin' good for a topic page.
ReplyClive Owen. Jesus.
ReplyOne post. Two names. Thousands of confused readers.
"Research into the three men's past work revealed that Robert Pattinson has never actually acted. Sneaking into a young girl's bedroom and watching her sleep was apparently something they just caught him doing on film one day."
ReplyAbsolutely fantastic !
Gotta say, this is definitely one of the better topic pages. Also, in the third Michael Cera pic, was it just me or did he look a little like Pam from the office?
ReplyCrap. Now I can't un-see it.
"If you wouldn't have a problem with Michael Cera's penis coming into contact with anything even remotely related to you then you're not paying attention."
Replyf*****g hilarious stuff!!! lol
Your portrayal of Micheal Cera hits it right on the head.
ReplyFace it, no movie could make up for Hudson Hawk. Willis should still be hanging his head in shame.
Replyyeh! except for Die Hard. That movie kicks ass!!
"Bruce Willis took out a helicopter with a car in Die Hard 4 because he ran out of bullets. You don't want to see what happens when he runs out of cars."
ReplyLOLOLOLOL