"You teach me and I'll teach you, Pokemon." I have always found these to be very inspirational lyrics.
Pokemon, developed by Satoshi Tajiri in Tokyo, Japan in the 1990's, was an international phenomenon. Some may argue whether it was poison for children's minds, or revolutionizing the animated and RPG world. I personally will argue for the latter.
15 years and 493 pokemon later, we all have our personal list of the pokemon that we would hold dear, and proudly wear on our Pokebelts. But thats not what this is about. If you want to read that, screw off to Best Pokemon.
Let's take a quick scan through our Pokedex. Trust when I say, a quick scan. 493 Pokemon make for a lengthy and sanity questioning research project.
This is what it looked like in the original Pokemon that they were trying to market to adults.
Zigzagoon walks in a zigzag fashion and is good at finding things in the grass and sometimes in the ground. It's actually not really a retarded Pokemon at all, but it afforded me to make this joke. It would be handy to have around and would earn a very proud spot on my Pokebelt.
ABILITIES: Pickup, Gluttony, Finding dime bags that fell out of your pocket
WEAKNESSES: Fighting - Who cares? Let's smoke
It's shell is said to be stuffed with happiness that it shares with kindhearted people.
So not me.
ABILITIES: Serene Grace, Hustle, Rolling his tongue
WEAKNESSES: Fighting - Because it's a pointy egg
Probably the cutest Pokemon out of nearly 500, it is more than just coincidence that it is the perfect size for punting.
Is it cute because it looks like a baby and rolls it's tongue, or do I hate it because it looks like a baby and rolls it's tongue? For obvious reasons, Togepi deserves it's spot on this list.
It's stomach can digest any kind of food, even if it happens to be moldy or rotten.
ABILITIES: Thick fat, Immunity
WEAKNESSES: Body Image
Snorlax is the Pokemon that makes everyone uncomfortable. It has a nasty tendency to eat, sleep and gain weight. It's height is approximately 6'11" and it weighs over a whopping 1000 lbs.
Fact: Snorlax is not sleeping, he's just so obese that he has had 8 diabetic strokes and is now pretty much a vegetable.
Although slow, it is skilled at fishing with it's tail. It does not feel pain if it's tail is bitten.
ABILITIES: Oblivious, Own Tempo
WEAKNESSES: Oblivious, Spelling tests, Walking and chewing gum.
You can't look at this thing without knowing it's retarded. They were institutionalized in the early 1900's with down's syndrome children.
It's cries sound like human speech. However, it is impossible to tell what it is trying to say.
ABILITIES: Oblivious, Forewarn
Mr Mime is a pantomime expert that can create invisible but solid walls using miming gestures.
ABILITIES: Soundproof, Filter, Creeping everyone the fuck out
WEAKNESSES: Creeping everyone the fuck out
Out of 493 Pokemon, Mr Mime might possibly be the most hated. I'm pretty sure the guy who invented him was sent home from work without pay AND they ate his lunch out of the fridge in the staff room.
He's a mime. End of story.
Said to be the world's weakest Pokemon. No one knows how it has managed to survive.
ABILITIES: Swift Swim
I'll give it one thing, it has a pretty bad ass mustache.
Now don't get me wrong, having a Magikarp would be fantastic if you had the patience for it to evolve. But let's face it, chances are that it's evolution Gyarados, would eat you. So your best bet is to steer clear of that one all together.
It releases a stench from it's red antenna to repel enemies. It grows by molting repeatedly.
ABILITIES: Shield Dust, FUCK ALL
"Gotta catch 'em all!" might not apply here. "GO CATERPIE!" and then what happens? He's going to spray his cocoon juice all over the place. Aside from a few (Seether, Pinsir, Beedrill), bug Pokemon seem utterly useless. Unless of course you're a bee keeper or a hippie.
A steel-hard shell protects it's tender body. It quietly endures hardships while awaiting evolution.
ABILITIES: Shed skin, FUCK ALL
WEAKNESSES: EVERYTHING - Even more so than it's retard predecessor
Metapod is the evolution of Caterpie and is entirely ten fold worse than Caterpie. It couldn't even follow you around if it wanted to. It's frozen in a sky diver stance, waiting for evolution or death. You might as well keep that one in it's Pokeball.