What kind of neighbor you have of course varies based on what you live in and where. But the fact of the matter is they are guaranteed to be fucking nuts.

Just The Facts

  1. Most (all) readers either live in their parents' basement or a 300 sq. ft. apartment/utility closet (don't worry, it's "hip"). Therefore we will be exploring life in the latter.
  2. If you don't think your neighbors are crazy, congratulations, you fall into one of the following categories.
  3. No matter what you do, the following arrangement is unavoidable.
  4. Apartment life is the evolutionary equivalent to monkeys living in a tree. There's a lot of strange squealing, dealing with unwanted guests, never a private moment, and lots, LOTS, of shit-flinging.

Let's get started...

Most (all) readers
Most (all) readers

As was stated before, there's no way around it, you're going to be stuck with one of these people with only 8 inches of dry wall separating you during your most private moments. So let's see who your new best friends are...

The Neighbors

1) The Incredible Bulk

Do NOT make her angry.

The Incredible Bulk tends to favor living on the 2nd floor or above. And there's about a 95% chance you chose the unit directly beneath her apartment. Why? The scientifically sound principles of Murphy's Law. Fortunately for you, and the building's foundation, she tends to keep all necessities within arm's reach of the couch. However, due to a heavy intake of Hostess cakes and delivered Chinese food, there will be many thunderous trips to the bathroom.

2) The Angry Gamer

Or probably more accurately, you.

Here's another one you don't really need to worry about running into in the hallway. So then how do you know if you have a gamer living next to you? Stop. Focus. Hear those constant, semi-rhythmic percussive noises with high pitched squeals of "FUCKHACKERNOOBGAAAWWWWD" that have, due to its regularity, become white noise to you? The BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM is his battle. The squeals are his war cry. Silence is death. Fueled by pizza, Monster, and inertia, this specimen can survive on almost no sleep for days at a time.

3) Chester the Molester

Go get 'em, tiger.

You probably got a letter from your local friendly sheriff's department letting you know Chester's moving in and instructing you in so many words to not let this guy anywhere near your dirty laundry. His one redeeming quality is that virtually no noise comes from his apartment aside from the occasional fits of uncontrollable sobbing. But unlike the previous two, you will ALWAYS run in to Chester in the hall. Whether it's 7am and you're leaving for work or 2am getting home from the bar, there he is, patrolling the halls in his thigh high jean shorts and covered in tear-smeared mascara.

4) The Addict

"I jes' wanted to *urp* ...zay... *urp* how much I ... *BLLEEAAAAHHHHH*"

Whether it's alcohol, meth, glue, or eating toilet paper (seriously), the addict knows focus and determination unlike anything you and I ever will. Unfortunately, her superpowers, achieved only by Zen masters and herself, are squandered on one thing: getting FUHUHUUUCKED up. Like Chester, encounters are unavoidable and her atrophied sense of time and space make for some very long "conversations" which are mostly mumbled incoherencies and always end with her asking you for money or a cigarette no matter how many times you tell her you don't smoke.

5) The Indestructible Granny

Come get some...milk and cookies.

This woman has survived two world wars, FOUGHT in the Civil War, had every kind of cancer, out lived 4 generations of descendants, could kill a bear with her hands tied to her feet, and has bitch slapped Death so many times he calls her Daddy. The problem with this one is there's enough second hand smoke pouring from her apartment to suffocate a French poker game. And even though her boogers are tougher than you, you still have to take her garbage out to the dumpster if you want to get to heaven.