The Eighties

The 80s: a decade not long enough ago to be revered, and just recent enough to be hated. They were the home of vapid Spandex-wearers and pierced, eyelinered punks. Much of the world's worst pop music was reluctantly pushed from the womb of the 1980s.

Bad dancing: a staple of any decade.

Then there was the underground scene, countering the depressing reality by being depressed.

While many didn't enjoy the 80s, the hair product companies were inexplicably much happier than ever.

Just The Facts

  1. The beginning of the 1980s was officially 30 years ago as of 2010.
  2. Like any decade, it had distinctive fashion, music, and politics.
  3. 99% of it was rubbish.

Like, What Were The 80s?

Scientists believe that the eighties were mainly composed of neon Spandex thread, gobs of excessive eye makeup, and the shattered eardrums of the sane populace. Wearing sunglasses is advised for any prospective time traveler to avoid being blinded by the clashing colors, overly-tight pants, and massive rat-nest hats they called hair. The innocent TARDIS-user should also know that the slang was, like, totally tubular! The cool ones talked, like, in, like, an indecipherable conglomeration of, like, gnarly sentences and it was, like, entirely grody to the max.

(Yeah, that bad.)

What Good Could Possibly Come From THAT Abomination?

Interestingly enough, if you wring the era out fairly well (might want to use one of those laundry presses), you may actually find something of worth. Culture may have been going downhill, but some brave souls chose to set up camp at the top of the hill and become creepy recluses so that the mainstream couldn't invade their mind through their tinfoil hats. These people produced the gems of the decade.

In terms of movies, Labyrinth, a Jim Henson classic starring David Bowie & the Bowie bulge, might be considered one of the better things to come out of the 80s.

Then, there were Neverending Story, So I Married An Axe Murderer, and other awesome movies that kept us sane throughout the turmoil that was the 1980s.

Decent music, thought by many to be limping along on its last legs, actually thrived in the underground scene. Plus, lipstick companies enjoyed their profits from all the little goths emulating The Cure's style.

The Smiths were another notable group. This band was composed of three nice young men, accompanied by Morrissey, who has been analyzed and found to be the world's largest ego formed into human shape.

Phew, Glad That's Over.

I'm sure you are. I know I am! Hey, you know how, a few years ago, everyone was saying the 70s were back? Well, now I'm hearing more and more that the Eighties are back. I'm not worried; I had already stockpiled my guns and canned foods when I read that zombie survival guide. Now that the zombies of the 80s are rising, I know that paid off! SO LONG, SUCkERS!!! AHAHAAAAA!!!!