Everyone dreads the day that the flashy, poorly laminated invitation to your High School's class reunion ends up shoved into your mailbox. Survive this nightmarish ordeal with these three easy steps!
One of the first things a person will notice about you when you walk though those heavy cafetieria doors will be the way you are dressed. A person's clothes can tell a lot about a person, such as their financial status or how good they look in a suit. Try to shoot for somewhere between the secret agent James Bond and criminal mastermind, The Penguin. They're both fairly snappy dressers and probably got all kinds of after-reunion tail behind the school dumpster.
It'll only be a weekend, honey. Whats the worst that can happen?
When you were wed, your spouse promised to be there through the best of times and the worst of times. High School reunions are the very reason why this phrase was added to the vows. Anyone of sound mind would be hesistant to go with you, after all they will not know a single person there unless they happened to go to the same school you did. If they did, they wouldn't want to go because they know every single fucking person that is going to be there.
However, It is absolutely vital that you bring someone with you to one of these reunions. You're going to need someone to complain to in between the akward small talk. If you're not married, bring a friend or your favorite housepet. Sharing this miserable experience with someone you know will be worth it in the end when you're not stuck talking to the kid whose head you shoved into the urinal your Junior year the entire evening.
Try to avoid the topic of urinals, it may bring back flashbacks
Lieing is the national pasttime of High School reunions. Everyone does it and everyone expects you to take part. Lets face it, nobody really wants to know what you've done with your shitty little life these past twenty five years. Who cares if you've worked hard and have become the head of your local Union, who cares if you've invented that hose that plummers use to unclog toilets. The goal of the game is to think of the biggest lie about yourself possible and attempt to impress your peers and trump their fake sucess at the same time.
When approached and asked about what you've done with your life, go ahead and blurt out the first amazing thing that pops into your head. At least half of the time you'll fool them! Heres an example:
"Frank! So good to see you!"
"Hi Annie, you look slightly less like a Hippo than the last time we met."
"Oh, you're so funny, Frank. Tell me, what have you been doing with yourself these days?"
"I invented Oxygen, I'm sure you've heard of it on late night infomercials."
Now, Annie will reply in one of two ways:
1. "Thats a poor attempt at a lie, you asshole. I'm now going to mingle with other people and tell them how much of a loser you are."
"I love you too, Hippo-Lady."
2."Ohmigod! No way, I use Oxygen all the time! No wonder you're so sucessful! Did I mention you look absolutely dapper in that suit?"
"I love you too, Hippo-Lady."
Either way, you'll be one up on her. You lied about her not looking like a Hippo.
Simply following these three easy to read steps will keep you from either losing your mind or losing what little dignity you have left in that husk you call a body. The moment you get home you better start cracking on planning for next year's reunion. No, they'll never stop planning more of these pointless events until every single one of your class is dead. Don't think you've had it the worst though, just imagine those Civil War veteran encampments between 1910-32 and be grateful you hadn't tried to kill anyone during your Senior year.
"Play nice for the cameras. Tonight, Johnny Reb. We finish this tonight!"