5 Insane Ancient Rulers

Rulers come in all shapes in sizes, from large to rhombus. Some bring the society to its peak, while others destroy it.

This was Caligula, he was as crazy as he was blond!

Even though Nero never actually played the fiddle while Rome burned, I like to think he would be playing

Just The Facts

  1. A ruler is anyone who has control over a large area of land
  2. Being insane requires you to have a mental disability that stops normal social function
  3. Being a insane ruler is changing your country's anthem to "What's New Pussycat"

5: Emperor Justing II

Justing II was Roman emperor from 565-578. He declared war on Persia, and lost most of Italy. He went insane after losing Mesopotamia during a attack by the Persians in Syria. He knew he was losing his mind and named his successor Tiberius II Constantine.

According to historians, as Justing lost mental ability, he started to demand that his thrown have wheels so he can see what it would be like to be in a wheelchair. He would then literally roll around his palace, biting people for the taste. But to be fair, they probably tasted much leaner back then.

He demanded that loud organ music be played throughout the palace all day and night. Can you imagine ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING! That would be terrible, you could never sleep.

And remember the people he bit, he evidently chose the ones he liked the best, and ate them with dinner and for breakfeast., but not lunch, that would be crazy

4: Sultan Ibraham

Ibraham and his brothers were supposed to be the ascendents to the thrown of the Ottoman Empire. But the current sultan, and renowned douche bag, Murad IV decided that everyone who was going to come after him must be killed, accept Ibraham. Why did he leave Ibraham alive? Because he was well known to be insane. It was not secret, but Murad decided that he wanted to fuck over the Ottoman Empire by giving them one of the worst rulers they have ever known. And due to religious ideas, they had no choice but to make him the sultan.

Once he entered power, in a short period of time, the empire almost collapsed. He had a fetish for obese women. In fact he would order his guards to gather the largest women and bring them back to him. His favorite husky babe was a 330 pound girl from the state of Georgia. He liked her so much that he gave her a government pension, and made her Governor General of Damasucs, and in case you did not know, DAMASCUS IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT CITIES IN ANCIENT HISTORY, and he put a obese women who veins run thick with curry in charge of it.

But one day he thought that he concubines were tainted by another man who also liked meat on them bones. He had every one of his 280 plus-sized women drowned in the Bosporus Sea. You may not have known this, but that is what caused the major flood that destroyed most of the shore lands during this time.

He also liked to feed metal coins to fish. No idea why, it is never explained. I guess insane people have other hobbies besides the genocide of the fat. (Though I cant see why)

Ibraham would have wanted to live in America

3: Ivan the Terrible

Like most insane villians, Ivan had a rough childhood. His mother was killed at the age of seven, assumingly by a government plot, (and there were a lot of the back then) so that Ivan could not ascend to his rightful place on the thrown. The governent took Ivan to the palace and beat him everyday with some form of wet noodle. Naturally this scared him for life, and he started to torture small animals in the same way he was being tortured. So far, he is not as bad as any other insane five year old, but it gets worse.

At age 14, and I want to stress the age 14 part, he walked into the throne room of the man who had been torturing him, dragged him by the neck, and threw him into a pit of vicious dogs to eat him apart. Now, that takes balls for anyone, to take the leader of a powerful country, and casually throw them into a pit of wild animals. What is more amazing is that the guards did not stop him, assumingly because they were to impressed with the giant sack that was dragging across the floor.

Once leader, he did many good things, he made laws and made class equality. Sadly he also ordered the massacre of all the poor, because he fucking could.

Ivan also murdered his favorite son after a argument. (I like to think the son taped over Ivan's tapes, even though Ivan had marked them clearly). This lead to Ivan to start to drink, and we all know when you combine drinking and insanity, only good things can happen.

He then decided that he did not want to be ruler anymore. So he literally hopped on a sled, and rode of into the sunset, dying several years later. He may have been insane,but for someone to ride of in a sled is pretty badass.

Even his portraits don't look right. This man needs a celebrity makeover!

2: Emperor Nero

One of the most famous on our list, Emperor Nero was one of the worst Emperors of Rome (And that is saying something)

He rose to power after his adopted father Claudius, one of Roms greatest emperors was killed by his wife. Nero then became Emperor at the age of seven. His first act of business was to marry his sister, which is pretty crazy considering eye witeness accounts said she looked awful.

He then proceeded to rape his mother. Keep in mind his mother is the same person who killed his father. I can only say one thing. JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

But what he is best known for is the persecution of the Christians. While he was ruling, a great fire broke out in Rome, destroying roughly 75% of the city. Now, the reason the fire spread so fast is because most buildings were made of wood soaked in gasoline, or at least acted like they were. Also, they were put really closely together

The people hated Nero because he was accused of murdering his sister, mother, and uncle,Heterosexual and homosexual rap, and the murdering of his rape victims. So people naturally wanted to blame him. Nero decided he needed a scapegoat, and that is when the Christians came in.

Nero decided that the Christians were the best people to torture because they were already looked harshly on by society,and because he damned felt like it. (Keep in mind, Jews and Christians were the same people back in Roman Times)

Nero decided not to only kill the Christians, but to torture them. He dipped them in hot was, probably to make candles for the Christmas night vigil, impaled them on stakes while lighting them on fire, and beating them to death with his own penis. (the last one may not be true, but I like to think that actually happened)

Nero also wrapped Christians up in animal skin, and threw them to the lions as thousands of spectators cheered. He would then.... set them on fire.

Nero died of natural causes. Thats sad, I think he should be dipped in was while a lion attacks him, all while being sodomzied by a large angry man.

1: Emperor Caligula

Caligula takes the cake for insanity hands down.

At a early age, Caligula displayed signs of abnormality. He was caught raping his sister, eating cats, and masterbateing in public, and overall being a prick (would not be shocked if he was the kid that made fun of the retarded). The only reason he made emperor is because the previous ruler, Tiberius, wanted to be remembered as a great ruler, and he decided the only way to do that was to put someone in charge that would make him look good.

Now Caligula started off fine. Throwing parties, playing games, the people loved him. Then he started to have severe headaches that caused his insanity.

Caligula thought that he was the god Zeus and married his sister who he called Hear. They both had a kid. Sadly, Caligula was insane, and thought that his child would try to kill him like Zeus killed his father. So Caligula, doing what any normal mane would do, cut open his wife and ate his unborn child, along with the mother. And that was just the start.

Caligula also declared war on the god of the Sea. Why? No idea, but it happened. He ordered all of Rome's 3 million soldiers to go to the shore and bring back seashells to him. THE MOST POWERFUL MILITARY IN THE WORLD WAS COLLECTING SEASHELLS BY THE SEASHORE! When they were brought back to him, Caligula then ate them.

His favorite thing to do was watch gladiator fights. He also loved the lions. Sadly one day they ran out of criminals before the lions, and Caligula was not happy. He ordered the first five rows of spectators be thrown into the pit, and be eaten for his amusement.

Finally, Caligula was walking down the street one day, minding his own damned business when a man approached him. The man told Caligula what he thought of him. Two things here. One, Bravo for standing up to this man. Second, ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE? Caligula took offense and had is whole family executed starting with him, then his wife, then son, then daughter.

Before he was about to execut the daughter however, a man said that she could not be killed because she was a virgin. Caligula smiled, then raped the seven year old girl before executing her in the worst way possible. By sawing her in half.

He also named is horse a senator. His horse, Incitatus, had a pure gold stable built for him. Not exactly the worst thing he did, but it deserves a mention

Overall Caligula is a insane man wrapped inside a curly blond husk, and thankfully he was killed a his own guards.