If you've ever found yourself on the dance floor busting badass moves after sinking a few at the bar, congratulations, yours is the vomit the bar staff had to clean up after closing time. The question is which drunk dance did you subject everyone to?
The beauty of Drunk Dancing (henceforth known as DD) is that all you need is a bottle of the cheapest and most vile hooch and you are set. You don't even need any music; the groaning sounds your internal organs make as they are soaked in 40 proof moonshine will provide rhythm enough to your severely alcohol-poisoned mind.
See? This guy knows what we're talking about. He's got it going on.
Of course, dancing on your own in your kitchen with nothing but a box of cornflakes for company does not necessarily make for the best night in. Indeed it's second only to a night spent sprawled on the couch in your slacks watching Jeopardy and taking a swig of vodka each time they get a question right whilst crying over a framed stock photograph of someone you convinced yourself you used to go out with.
Or as Hollywood would re-imagine it.
The joy that comes with DD can only be fully realized when it is shared amongst other people, preferably strangers in a dark and smoky bar that's blasting out synth lunacy by Nik Kershaw from a dusty jukebox. Though this, sadly, is only in an ideal world.
In reality, DD is most commonly witnessed amongst groups of young people already off their faces on dirty shots of New Jersey Turnpike. If you've never been to a club and have only seen them portrayed in movies or hell, even on the news, then your image of one may well be this ...
Ratio of women to men = 7:1
But, chances are that when you go to a club and listen to the shit music pumping out the speakers whilst trying to forget you exist aided by your fourth triple Jameson with ice, you will look over at the dance floor and see something more along the lines of this ...
Ratio of women to men = 1:400
In most megaclubs you simply will not have room to adequately DD. Instead of falling over and vomiting into the nearest empty glass like a seasoned professional, you will most likely be propped up by the hipsters and hideous club hounds either throwing shapes or gawping at the glow of their iPhones.
To discover what it truly means to dance like a drunken fool, it has to be conducted at a house party. Only here do you have the room to maneuver with the coordination of a blind clown with Parkinson's. Only in someone else's home will there be enough people to stop and watch with disgust as you swipe the fish bowl from the TV cabinet to the strains of Sigue Sigue Sputnik, or whatever the kids are listening to these days.
Warning: Ke$ha is not to be listened to lightly.
Weddings are also a good place to find DD, and can be especially embarrassing. While you're working away on your Busch Light-fuelled destruction of the dance floor, your mother is undoubtedly tutting to your girlfriend about how much of a dick you're being. However, weddings also provide the perfect opportunity for supposed grown ups to drink a fuckload of piss and hit on their niece before going donkeyshit with delight as Toto by Africa wafts out of the speakers.
Only Kilimanjaro rising like Olympus above the Serengeti can inspire such ecstasy.
Of course, with every drunken bender resulting in dancing your dignity away, there inevitably comes the cold hard boot to the face that is sobriety the next morning. Before you've even unstuck the Caddyshack II DVD from your face and wretched a lung up into the sink, your grisly visage from the night before has already been Liked by all your friends and your mother has commented on Facebook about how disappointed she is in you.
You've wasted your life, son.
You can, however take comfort from the fact that they'll all get over it and if you're lucky the whole sorry business will soon enough become part of your mystique. That's unless you're famous, of course. If you're a celebrity, then a bout of DD can get you plastered all over TMZ and your name forever prefixed with "controversial ballbag..."
"Controversial ballbag Mel Gibson was found intoxicated today..."
There are a couple of options open to a celebrity when this happens. They can either never do it again and hope to hell that people forget it ever happened, or say "fuck it" and make it who they are.
Though to be fair to Lindsay here, she is probably off her balls on drugs, not alcohol.
Unless you're a borderline retard heiress who doesn't know which way round her thong goes, it is very difficult to make a successful career out of DD. Therefore the best advice that can be offered is just go with the flow. So when next you find yourself shitfaced and deciding that doing the Thriller dance surrounded by strangers is a good idea, just go with it. You may end up looking like a massive tool, but in your own mind, for four and half minutes, you'll be a king among men.
You heard us, king among men.