It's a butt. And it's on Natalie Portman. Best. Topic. Ever.
Natalie Portman's Butt has had an interesting and controversial career as a professional in Hollywood. It has frequently played second fiddle to its longstanding rival, Natalie Portman's Face, or wasteful film making techniques such as dialogue, character development, and non-midget cameramen.
Scene stealing hack!
In its earlier films, Natalie Portman's Butt was marginalized by either Natalie Portman's "poignant and witty presence", (I thought this was fancy talk for Butt, but was informed by the local courthouse that it is not), Or by George Lucas's blindingly terrible choices in fashion.
A little of this might have made your prequels not suck so much, eh George?
Natalie Portman's Butt finally saw a breakthrough in the inexplicably popular movie "Garden State", directed by known face-man Zach Braff, who squandered the movie's potential by focusing mostly on "above midriff" shots.
Maybe it's not THAT inexplicable
Around that time, Natalie Portman's Butt received a prominent role in that one movie with Julia Roberts and those two British dudes, and won a Golden Globe for its outstanding performance in a supporting role.
A "Golden Globes" joke doesn't really work with a butt, so let's just say the judges gave it a "standing ovation"
Since that time, Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman's Butt have enjoyed a more synergistic relationship, complimenting each other through a wide variety of critically acclaimed and very sexy roles, culminating most recently in the aggressive Oscar-baiting headtrip called "Black Swan", co-staring with Mila Kunis's Boobs. (Note: I'm willing to write an article on that topic as well, if anyone is interested).
Despite its difficulties in the past, it seemed the Natalie Portman's Butt had found it's place in the world, and that this article had been suggested by some gentleman/scholar who felt the need to immortalize its achievements in the hallowed halls of Cracked.com, but my work led me to uncover a horrible travesty against butts everywhere. That travesty is probably what really prompted this article, rather than blind affection for Natalie Portman's hindquarters, so I'll address it now.
Not pictured: Travesty
Natalie Portman's Butt landed an apparently prominent role in the upcoming movie "Your Highness", staring James Franco and that annoying white-trash guy who can be really funny for a few moments before you're super-sick of him.
In the original red-band Trailer, Natalie Portman's Butt was featured prominently, giving it the fame it has so deserved and giving nerds everywhere the fix they've always craved.
Much to everyone's horror, however, the more widely featured green-band trailer stole Natalie Portman's Butt's glory by covering it up with a CGI burka. This was intended to make the trailer acceptable for "appropriate audiences", but resulted in the trailer becoming an abomination instead.
Sources claim that the Butt was actually cut from the movie to prevent it from upstaging James Franco with its superior charm and acting talent, but slightly less crazy sources claim that the edit only exists in the trailer, and that Natalie Portman's Butt will still have its full and well deserved screen time in the film itself.
Oh yes, there will be butt.
So yeah, I guess that's it. While the new trailer is a nightmarish mess, the old one is still available to those in the know (probably you, since you're on the internet), and the movie itself remains unaltered. This whole article was probably a huge waste of everyone's time.
Or was it?