If you ever meet somebody really stoked about their oatmeal, give them a hug. They're having a rough life.

Just The Facts

  1. It's boring.
  2. It sucks.
  3. It's pointless.
  4. Fuck it.
  5. Seriously. Just fuck it.

The History of Oatmeal

Oatmeal was invented in 1962 by Sir Kevin Oatmeal of the Royal Academy of Adhesives and Sealants, who was experimenting with new types of quick-acting, long-lasting industrial glues when he tripped and accidentally ingested some of his "Hot Melt Binding Agent Prototype #3." Though he was promptly rushed to the hospital, he showed only minor signs of poisoning and was able to leave under his own power mere hours after the event.

The recipe has gone unchanged since then.

Intended Use

Oatmeal is primarily consumed by the elderly, because they have lived long enough to mildly resent life and all of its pleasures, and small children whose mothers secretly hate them for stealing the best years of their own youth.

It is not recommnded that young adults consume Hot Melt Binding Agent Prototype #3 unless under extreme duress or threat of starvation. Even then, most doctors recommend that you try consuming your own flesh first -- particularly the parts on the inside of the upper arm above the elbow, as it bears more than a passing resemblance to the texture and flavor of bacon.

Plus, what, do you need that shit? It's just wiggling there, making you look chubby.

Eat it.

Eat your own upper arm fat.