Before television, those who couldn't afford live theater could only watch wooden puppets animated by strings. Puppet shows.

Just look at those creepy, lifeless eyes.

They look innocent now, but they're planning genocide.

Just The Facts

  1. Puppets are fucking creepy
  2. They will do anything to achieve their goal of humanity
  3. This includes wishing on a star, trying to be a good boy, and ritualistic murder

How To Make A Puppet

The first ingredient in a puppet is a piece of wood. Any decent wood will do, but pine is popular. From this, you create the basic shape of a doll. Make sure to include major joints, such as the shoulder, elbow, and knee, so that the puppet can move in a more realistic fashion.

The next step is to dress your puppet appropriately. You may be able to use regular doll clothes, depending on the size and body shape of your puppet. Whatever you choose, the puppet can pick different clothes later.

The final and most important step is the imbuing. To give the puppet that life-like look, all you have to do is sacrifice a virgin on a black altar and sprinkle it with the blood. You can find virgins at local comic conventions, but a child will also work, in a pinch. You can find design information for a black altar from your local satanic cult.

The History of Puppets

The first puppet appeared in Greece roughly four thousand years ago. It is said that it just appeared one day, and the man who found it felt driven to control it, making it move and act in a way similar to man.

It terrorized the Greek country side for a hundred years before its weakness was found. The first weakness is that it requires a vessel to control its movements, the so-called "puppet master" who is, in an ironic twist, the puppet's slave. The second weakness is that, in an unfortunate twist for the puppet, the more people near it the less control it has over its own actions. This resulted in the creation of the puppet show, a medium by which an audience would surround the puppet, weakening the puppet and forcing it to conform to the actions forced upon it by the puppet master.

The tables had turned.

The puppets started appearing in larger numbers to combat this attack, but to no avail. Humanity had grown wise to them, and began to congregate in larger numbers, to see a larger number of shows, forcing the puppets to separate into smaller groups.

The puppets were forced to learn patience. Over time, people forgot why they watched puppet shows to begin with. They began to believe that they enjoyed the puppet shows, that they enjoyed watching those angular bodies and unnatural movements acting out a parody of life. But the puppets never forgot. They learned to influence their audience in subtle ways. They laid the plans for advanced technology, which they knew would be their salvation: Television.

In the early days, a few well-versed puppeteers tried to continue the ritual by airing puppet-based programs on television. However, in time, the popularity of these shows faded, due in no small part to the efforts of the puppets themselves to be fucking creepy as fuck and scare all of the children away from watching them.

Thunderbirds: Entertainment, or our last defense?

Thunderbirds: Simple entertainment, or our last best chance for survival?

Today, fewer people than ever watch puppet shows. Their strength is growing. Already, less popular puppets are taking control of their masters, wandering the streets and devouring the souls of runaways and the homeless. Soon they will be able to amass forces large enough to pose a real threat to small towns, forcing their masters to create ever more puppets with the life force they have gathered.

The only solution may well be a fate worse than puppet-based apocalypse: Going to puppet shows. God help us all.