The Art Of Being A Man

There is more to being a man than having a hairy chest and forgetting to shower, but those are the most important parts.

Dishonorable mention, eye lashes.

Why throw away a a perfectly good potential rag?

Just The Facts

  1. A man can always beat up a man that is younger than him, even if he is only older by a few seconds.
  2. A lot of manly activities require the tactfulness and grace of a balleri...err, stealth bomber.
  3. The average male dong is 10 inches long and has the girth of a soda can. (Source [NSFW]: www.pornotube.com)

Common Misconceptions About Being a Man

Blank internet history ensures your girlfriend won't find your Adventures in Online Pornography.

While it may muddle the specifics, she knows that you only have a computer for porn, and that all of those other programs you have are just for alt-tabbing out of porn; so she walks in and finds you playing Spider Solitaire with no pants on. Let her play detective. If your girlfriend is a red head, throw some red head fetish sites onto your browser and let her think that at least you're tugging it to girls who look like her, rather than Japanese girls eating live fish, wearing glow in the dark hats. (If that last part more accurately describes your girlfriend, well then, god bless you sir.)

Gay men are always less manly that straight men

Check it out:

This guy (the one on the right is a guy) is supposedly straight.

I like that we can both wear the same underwear.

We wear the same hairspray, and panties.

And here we have the essence of manly: a wizard, with a beard, swinging a sword. The guy playing him is gayer than two guy rhinos horning each other.

Beneath my beard is a third penis. That's right a THIRD penis.

Dumbledore however, was gay.

Men like explosions and boobs and in some cases, exploding boobs.

This is a colossal misunderstanding, it's so silly to group all guys together and assume they like things going KABOOM and things that are KA-BOOBS. Men in fact love explosions and to say that we merely like them is simply offensive and gay and retarded...http://www.explosionsandboobs.com/

Proper Body Conservation

It is a widely accepted theory that the more grooming rituals you partake in, the higher the chance that your penis is actually just a stapled on bratwurst. So how much is too much when it comes to body maintenance?

Cutting the hair: The following body parts are acceptable to shave:

  • Your head. Leave the razor above the shoulders.

This rule is negated if you are shaving someone else's body; in which case all hair is fair game.

Clipping the Nails

Nails require trimming when you are:

  • Cutting yourself when wiping
  • Poking holes in your socks.

Washing the body

The following segments of your body require daily cleansing:

  • Arm pits
  • Butt (primarily the hole)
  • Cock and Balls

(An easy way to remember this is to refer to these parts as the Alpha Bits [ABC])

The rest of your body has a three day grace period, the soapy water running off of the alpha bits is sufficient for the upkeep of these areas.

Laundry Management

Wash the following garments accordingly (Note: Don't call them garments):

  • Shirts - When the smell of cologne is over powered by the stench of moldy armpits.
  • Jeans - Never.
  • Scarves - Two days after your menstrual cycle ends.

Two Rhinos Horning Each Other

The first time was an accident.

The first time, was an accident.