A tutorial on how to bullshit a paper or presentation.
Just The Facts
- Bullshitting is a science and some people are much better at it than others
- It is the primary style for writing most research papers
- Bullshitting a paper can be broken down into three simple steps
- Hitler only had one testicle
Bullshitting does not require a great amount of knowledge about the subject you're talking/writing about. Rather, it requires knowledge of your audience. In class when everyone else is "learning" from the teacher, I spend my time discovering what the teacher actually believes. As unbiased as they will try to be, they always have their own opinions. Bullshitting takes advantage of this in a few easy steps:
- 1) Learn whether the teacher/audience is more liberal or more conservative, this will help later on. Also, ask them questions about their past to figure out the events that may have shaped their views.
- 2) Never speak in class/to the audience unless it is about something that you're confident you're right on. The more times you are wrong, the less believable your future bullshit will be. For instance, if the teacher asks the class, "How many countries are in the World?" and my response is, "Seven!" That answer is clearly retarded, and I instantly lose credibility on any future geographical question I am asked. My teacher and my peers will start to question my true intelligence instead of just assuming I'm right (which is an essential characteristic of expert bullshitting). If my answer to that question would have been, "Somewhere around 200 depending on which expert you ask. Interestingly, 123 of those 200 nations are practicing some form of democracy," then my audience would have been impressed (and slightly turned off) by my knowledge on the subject. This type of answer will enable me to get away with some answers that may not be so correct, later.
- 3) Repeat steps one and two until you are faced with an important paper, presentation, speech, etc. As soon as you are given this task, it is time to prepare. Clearly, you do not want to do simple-minded tasks such as studying, researching, or creating an outline. Your job is to figure out how much your audience actually knows about the topic you're tasked with presenting to them. This is crucial because it determines the amount of effort you will actually have to put into "learning" your topic. Once you know the intelligence of your audience, it is time to organize your arguments. It should only take about 30 minutes of research to find everything you need for a successfully bullshitted paper or speech. Focus on small pieces of information that you think your audience would agree with. Surround this information with vague restatements of information that could be "facts". Repeat for the entirety of your project. If your teacher is female, you will want to apply a slight feminist lens to your assignment. Obviously, the opposite is true for male teachers.
Bullshitting is a science; once you master it, papers and presentations will be easy. The better you get, the more creative you can be. Bullshitting is becoming somewhat of a game for me--my goal is to do the minimum amount of work, yet achieve the maximum grade. Whether it be in the classroom or in my basement with friends, I can say that bullshitting has allowed me to achieve more things than studying and effort combined.
Do you believe me?