Korea

Here's how little anyone knows about North Korea: Kim Jong-Il's son is likely behind their recent attacks on South Korea, and nobody knows anything about him, or even what he looks like. He's Kaiser Soze with nukes.

Should We Be Scared About Korea?

The country that hosted the 20th Century's least important war (at least in the two categories that matter: monuments and movies) might turn out to be the epicenter of the 21st Century's most least expected apocalypse.

While we've covered the many reasons the North is the world's most unintentionally hilarious evil dictatorship, and their impressive accomplishments in important industries like parade ground resurfacing, and mass gymnastics card mosaic displays, what we haven't told you is why we should still be scared shitless of them.

On America's threat matrix, North Korea falls somewhere between "If Iraq was really as scary as we pretended" and "Crazy old relative who shows up at a family reunion with a suitcase full of scrambled eggs." Sure they've got nukes, but it's hard to take them seriously when Kim Jong Il keeps making adorably crazy claims like that he invented the hamburger, and averages 3 holes in one per round of golf. It's easier to just smile, nod and wait paitiently for them to lay down for their nap.

Some authorities have suggested that they will go away soon enough. Kim Jong Il's health is rapidly deteriorating, their economy is already in the shitter, and there's speculation that the nation and its military will suffer a crisis of confidence once Kim Jong Il is succeeded by his son Kim Jong-Un. Of course, we'd feel a lot more confident in that theory if anyone knew a single goddamn thing about the kid.

Here's the only photograph that exists of Kim Jong-Un outside of North Korea:

Soon to be nuclear capable dictator.

That's the only picture of Kim Jong Un that exists outside of North Korea. It was taken 14 years ago, when he was 11. The New York Times' comprehensive page has a few official positions he's held, the testimony of his former sushi chef that he was a racist little shit, and ... that's it. That's all we know about the kid who will soon be able to start World War III if it pleases him.

Intelligence officials have speculated that the 27 to 28 year old dictator (Seriously? We don't even know how old he is?) is behind North Korea's recent attacks. The theory is that he's trying to prove that he's tough to military leaders, and that it's all for show. Of course, the truth is nobody knows who he is or what sort of crazy shit he's been planning while waiting in the wings, watching his Dad invent hamburgers and revolutionize the game of golf. We'll at least wait until someone knows what he actually looks like before we decide to that he shouldn't be keeping us up at night.