Korea
Here's how little anyone knows about North Korea: Kim Jong-Il's son is likely behind their recent attacks on South Korea, and nobody knows anything about him, or even what he looks like. He's Kaiser Soze with nukes.
Should We Be Scared About Korea?
The country that hosted the 20th Century's least important war (at least in the two categories that matter: monuments and movies) might turn out to be the epicenter of the 21st Century's most least expected apocalypse.
While we've covered the many reasons the North is the world's most unintentionally hilarious evil dictatorship, and their impressive accomplishments in important industries like parade ground resurfacing, and mass gymnastics card mosaic displays, what we haven't told you is why we should still be scared shitless of them.
On America's threat matrix, North Korea falls somewhere between "If Iraq was really as scary as we pretended" and "Crazy old relative who shows up at a family reunion with a suitcase full of scrambled eggs." Sure they've got nukes, but it's hard to take them seriously when Kim Jong Il keeps making adorably crazy claims like that he invented the hamburger, and averages 3 holes in one per round of golf. It's easier to just smile, nod and wait paitiently for them to lay down for their nap.
Some authorities have suggested that they will go away soon enough. Kim Jong Il's health is rapidly deteriorating, their economy is already in the shitter, and there's speculation that the nation and its military will suffer a crisis of confidence once Kim Jong Il is succeeded by his son Kim Jong-Un. Of course, we'd feel a lot more confident in that theory if anyone knew a single goddamn thing about the kid.
Here's the only photograph that exists of Kim Jong-Un outside of North Korea:
Soon to be nuclear capable dictator.
That's the only picture of Kim Jong Un that exists outside of North Korea. It was taken 14 years ago, when he was 11. The New York Times' comprehensive page has a few official positions he's held, the testimony of his former sushi chef that he was a racist little shit, and ... that's it. That's all we know about the kid who will soon be able to start World War III if it pleases him.
Intelligence officials have speculated that the 27 to 28 year old dictator (Seriously? We don't even know how old he is?) is behind North Korea's recent attacks. The theory is that he's trying to prove that he's tough to military leaders, and that it's all for show. Of course, the truth is nobody knows who he is or what sort of crazy shit he's been planning while waiting in the wings, watching his Dad invent hamburgers and revolutionize the game of golf. We'll at least wait until someone knows what he actually looks like before we decide to that he shouldn't be keeping us up at night.
I looked to the right and saw the "friend's recent activity" sidebar and thought "holy s**t how did i get on a joke article about North Korea WTFWTFWTFWTF"
ReplyWhat I think would've been a nice, subtle touch on the facebook page is having the likes go from 24,051,218 people to 24,051,217 after the girl is sent to the camp. Or something like 24,051,213 since her family was sent, too.
ReplyAmerica's propaganda against every other nation continues...
ReplyWhen the information is valid and the country is literally one of the worst powerful nations on the planet, it's not propaganda, it's fact finding.
why someone can post this article on POZ-Dating[.]Com? is it legal? any answer?
Replyno, it is not legal. you have to get the approval of the cracked authorities. and they frown upon spambots.
Actually, wasn't Jong-un photographed at a parade recently? I think it's even on Wikipedia or some shit.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI saw it on Yahoo news some months ago...research fail =/
Old article. Chronological fail.
Pretty sure it's an old article, I found it in flashback. Cracked very rarely makes research fail.
Korea and North Korea are different places. South Korea is usually the one that goes by "Korea". You know, the not-evildoer Korea.
ReplyUntil they get all butthurt over sport events that is.
@Syujinkou like the south korean national sport of starcraft haha, its legitimate too
If he was 11 when that picture was taken 14 years ago, wouldn't that make him 25? Way to go, Not-So-Intelligent Intelligence Officials.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesdepends when his birthday is
I believe that they count age differently in Korea:
"East Asian age reckoning is a concept and practice that originated in China and is used in East Asian cultures. Chinese culture, Japanese culture, Korean culture, Vietnamese culture, and others share this traditional way of counting a person's age. Newborns start at one year old, and each passing of a Lunar New Year, rather than the birthday, adds one year to the person's age. In other words, the first year of life is counted as one instead of zero, so that a person is two years old in their second year, three years old in their third, and so on.[1][2] Since age is incremented on the new year rather than on a birthday, people may be 1 or 2 years older in Asian reckoning than in the Western system.
Today this system is commonly used in everyday life by Chinese in certain regions. For instance young people still use Xusui commonly in Shanghai.[citation needed] The system is also widely used by Koreans, with the exception of the legal system and newspapers."
@Redhandedman - I was not aware of that.
LEVIATHANLAM is right... when babies are born their instantly 1 year old in some asian countries. korea is one of them. so you can be 20 in korea but 18 or 19 in america...
I know for a fact that LEVIATHANLAM is right. My boyfriend's family from Korea just recently came to visit and they explained this to me.
the guy doing the counting forgot to replace the batteries in his abacus
Having the entire population 'like' every post and having Michael Jordan as a 'like' were nice touches.
ReplyI think I take SNL skits about North Korea more seriously than North Korea itself.
Replytoo bad the names of nkoreans sound like chinese... but hey, i like it
ReplyFunny you should say that. Chinese and Korean languages, characters and names are very similar. Being the unoriginal bastard that I am, these names are actually varying combinations of the names of several of my students (I teach English to Koreans.)
i hate people who teach english in foreign countries. is your english not good enough to teach regular english speaking people? do you think you're some kind of missionary or some shit? go f**k yourself.
Least important war? Nah, that'd be the US in Vietnam. Or the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in the 80s.
ReplyRight. Just skip the parts of sentences that are too complicated for you.
I love how it looks like every north korean likes every post
ReplyM.A.S.H was cool for about 3 seasons. Alan Alda should have stayed with the acting, he got behind the camera and it went all preachy and un- funny. The movie M.A.S.H is one of the best movies ever made! I still have wet dreams about Hot Lips!
ReplyDid the author of this article really suggest that the Korean War was the least important war of the 20th century? What about all of those flash-in-the-pan wars in the nineties against those loser countries (like iraq)?
ReplyThe Korean war was an amazing war and it left behind the towering movie/television monument known as M.A.S.H, a series so awesome it has me hoping that there will be another Korean war in the next ten years that I may enlist and kill me some kimjongils or whatever is son is called.
This was a part of the joke...
M.A.S.H was cool for about 3 seasons, then Alan Alda took over and it got real un funny real fast. Klinger was a hoot, Radar was funny, Sherman Potter was the coolest ever! And Hot Lips was hot for the first few seasons, than she had the face lift that made her look like The Joker, yuck! In short old M.A.S.H was the best ever.... f**k North Korea! They need their ass kicked back to the dark ages!
Seems to me if the picture of Kim Jong-Un was taken 14 years ago when he was 11 then he'd be 25. Of course, we could be using the bean counters at one of America's major banks. If we are then 14+11 should equal "Lots!".
ReplyAlso, doesn't Kim Dong-Un look like one of those kids who grows up to be the pain in the ass neighbour who keeps calling the neighbourhood watch on you.
There are so many articles and references about North Korea and Kim I'm starting to wonder who is really running Cracked....
ReplyYou should be careful who you are casting dispersions at, capitalist western devil.
Everybody knows it's the grays!
I probably read none of this one. I mean, I kind of skimmed through it. I hate facebook so this wasn't really funny, especially since no robots were mentioned....
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesOn the other hand: why not just cover NORKOR with a huge biosphere? Nukes? So what! Kim Jong-II? Who? Biosphere rain tainted with mind controlling nanobots? f*****g YES! f**k it, let's toss in some explosions, zombies, a bus full of children and an insanely pissed of unicorn. A unicorn hell bent on MASS DESTRUCTION.
In conlusion: What a s****y country anyways. Am I right?
wait. Who the hell says "Nukes? So what!"?
unless he's tryna be sarcastic.
doesn't sound like the case...
And what about all the people that live there? Most of them aren't f****n nutjobs.
Stop trying to be funny please.
Guitar Guise, I'm certain he was being dead serious and not sarcastic in the slightest. Especially the part about the unicorn.
They're only Nukes. They can only END THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!! No big deal right?
Its just freaky how evil can look adorable sometimes...
Replywhile somewhat humorous, this is probably the worst researched article to ever hit cracked, and thats saying something. i realize youre going for humor and all but atleast put a little effort in, you can easily find pictures and information about the kid, as recent as last month. though yes once he takes power its almost certain a coup will happen, probably by about 20 seperate generals all fighting amongst themselves at which point international forces would have to step in to keep them from nuking themselves, though everyone would find it hilarious
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYa, cause you know, if Cracked is known for anything, it's presenting the straight up facts.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha Hailey-1 Crackwhore- 1,000; strictly due to the fact your name accurately explains your lack of common sense and reasoning.
I actually agree with Cracky over there. They should at least get their facts straight if they're going to do an article on a COUNTRY and not even have it be funny.
Which parts of the photo-shopped facebook page with the words "North Korea is Best Korea" and an article with the phrase "Crazy old relative who shows up at a family reunion with a suitcase full of scrambled eggs" did you find was in any way concerned with legitimately warning you and presenting you with facts?
...If the..paparazzi..are so successful over here in taking candid shots of celebrities no person in their right mind should take more than a passing ogling interest in, why don't we just send groups of paparazzi over there to get some snapshots (sent along many different methods of travel so some might survive to get anywhere near Il/Un)? Then we'd have less celebrity crap taking up space real news should occupy, less paparazzi floating around, and if some of the reporters managed to find a way in and then we sent in some firepower and managed to kill one stone with two birds...hey, it's a thought.
ReplyThe paparazzi are successful in the West only because our governments don't shoot them. You notice how North Korea has no paparazzi? Or anyone with a camera, for that matter?
On an unrelated note, I find your methods of sedimentary executions to be unreliable and messy.