Aaron Burr

If George Washington was the father of our country...then Aaron Burr was the crazy uncle who gave Wrist Rockets for Christmas and greeted with a chokehold rather than a handshake.

Because nothing says

Just The Facts

  1. He was the 3rd Vice President of the United States...and was charged of treason
  2. Thomas Jefferson tried as hard as he could to put him in jail (as if mere mortal confinement could hold the Aaron Burr)
  3. And oh yeah...he murdered Alexander Hamilton...in public

The Duel

Even though several altercations led up to Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton standing just outside Weehawken, New Jersey (prime duel real estate...seriously, if you've ever been there, then you know what I'm talking about) with pistols pointed at each other's chests, we shall focus on the duel itself. First, however, I would like to point out how apparently pants-on-head retarded Alexander Hamilton would seem to have been at this point in his life. There is no other possible explanation for allowing a man such as Aaron Burr to point his Death Bringer 3000 at your face.

While the exact details of the duel are still a topic of debate, what is known is that Alexander Hamilton went home a bullet to the pelvis heavier. Although, according to this artist, that too is a topic of debate:


Upon having a bullet puncture his liver, Hamilton was rushed to Manhattan where he died the following day. Burr, on the other hand, is believed to have disapparated from the scene shortly after casting the Dark Mark into the air.

Ok, let's take a moment to recap. Burr and Hamilton had their disagreements, and when Burr had finally had enough he decided to "nut up or shut up" (phrase rumored to be tattooed across Burr's back) and challenge his foe to mortal combat. It is at this point that Hamilton had a stroke of genius and thought "Yes, I shall give this man the greatest possible chance to add my life to his bag of claimed souls" and accepted his challenge. As this was a simpler time and duels were basically like Monday Night Football (Hamilton's son was killed in a duel only three years before his father's. Hamilton family 0-2 in duels), it's very likely that Hamilton gave the duel very little thought and only really worried about it when Burr placed a bullet gently in his spine. Burr, being the bloodthirsty pitbull that he was, probably took it a little more seriously:

"I win for me! FOR ME!"

Word has it that Burr never actually died...he lives on to this day....climbing in your windows and snatching your people up...


Say what? Treason? No...well maybe

In 1807, Aaron Burr was brought to trial and charged with treason. Now I know you might be thinking "What?!? Surely the man that claimed the life of one of the most influential men in American history isn't capable of something like that!" Well let me tell you...he was.

Way back in the day when Louisiana was part of the Spanish government, Aaron Burr made what can only be called one of the most hilariously ballsy decisions of all time. His basic plan was to lease 40,000 acres of land from the Spanish government (not exactly the U.S.'s best buds at this time) and fill it with weird farmer-soldier hybrids. That way, when the "inevitable" war with the Spanish came, Burr could lead his farmer army and claim as much land as he could possibly get his hands on.

Burr's Thundercats

It shall be called Burrtopia, and it shall be the greatest country ever! EVA!

Sadly, Burr was found out and charged (although never convicted) with treason. Not that it really would have mattered, as the "inevitable" war with the Spanish never happened. It is with a heavy heart that I tell the tale of this world superpower that was shot down before it could ever really get going.