Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton, the Grammy Award winning singer and Oscar winning actress, gracing our ears with her virtuosity in such classics as "Stars are Blind", and dazzling with her acting talent in "The Hottie & The Nottie" and "House of Wax".

Just The Facts

  1. No one really understands why she is famous.
  2. She has no discernible talent, despite trying every vocation possible.
  3. �Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?�

About Paris

LOL, but seriously. Paris was born on 17th February, 1981 in New York City to Rick and Kathy Hilton, and has three siblings; her sister Nicky, and her two younger brothers Conrad and Barron. She attended prestigious schools and lived in stately homes. Blah.

Paris Hilton could easily be classified as one of the most famous people on the planet. She views herself as a “socialite, media personality, model, singer, author, fashion designer and actress. A brand.” How multi-talented of her. In reality, she’s famous because she’s rich – “heiress” to the Hilton Hotel fortune – and because she was the first person to legitimise “slut” as a career path. Too harsh? Let’s review.


The Phenomenon

Keepin' It Classy at the Playboy Mansion

Paris Hilton is a media phenomenon, no doubt about it. First in a series of “socialites” seeking fame and fortune through the medium of reality shows, sex tapes, and the attention of the paparazzi, she “shot to stardom” and became resident “It-Girl” in Hollywood with the release of her very own (lacklustre) sex tape in 2003, starring then boyfriend/skeeze Rick Salomon. To this day, she denies any involvement in the release of said tape. It is purely coincidence it was released around the same time her new reality show, “The Simple Life”, was set to premiere. The sex tape (wittily named “1 Night in Paris”) became incredibly popular, despite it being awful and unintentionally amusing with Hilton answering her cell phone mid-sex. That bad?

With the help of “1 Night in Paris”, Hilton’s reality show became a hit, running for multiple seasons. The show took rich kids Paris and best friend Nicole Richie (daughter of Lionel) out of their McMansions and made them work on farms, live in a trailer and (gasp!) get jobs as interns. They loved the attention, and we loved watching them suffer, mess up and generally act retarded. Of course, Paris claims she’s not as dumb as she portrayed on the show, and is in fact ACTING!

                I think a lot of people have seen me on The Simple Life and think I’m a ’spoilt airhead’. But I was playing a character. The producers said they wanted Nicole Richie and I just to be crazy and funny and say outlandish things. [In real life] I’m a lot more serious and shy…and if I’m not out, having to be, you know, ‘on’, I’m at home just chilling and wearing sweat pants.”   


And So It Begins

Doing What She Does Best

From then on, the entire human population was destined to be bombarded with Paris for the next few years as she eased comfortably into her role as a celebrity. Followed by paparazzi everywhere, she continued to build her brand by being photographed at every possible opportunity, marketing herself to the max. Because that’s why she’s so successful: Paris Hilton is the human version of a billboard, a walking advertisement. If she wasn’t so obviously stupid, some might go as far as to say she is a marketing genius.

                “She knows how to play the game, and turn being a celebrity heiress into being a true star. By turning herself into a brand name, by branching out into many different areas of "the biz" and by keeping herself relevant with new projects, Paris Hilton has managed to achieve lasting, memorable fame.”

Albeit in 2009 her fame is diminishing, and she is slowly being replaced by a new generation of potentially even more hateable airheads (See: Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus, Heidi Montag). Let’s hope she sleeps easy at night knowing she’s produced a generation of women who think the epitome of success is grinding a pole at 16, releasing a sex tape with a minor celeb and having reality show. Ambition FTW!

Miley workin' that pole!

The Scandals

Much to everyone’s’ delight, the smug smile was regularly wiped off Paris’ face by scandal after scandal.

DUI Arrest and Incarceration

In September 2006, Paris was arrested and charged with DUI, which surprised absolutely no one. The consequences, however – much to everyone’s delight- were much more unexpected.

 After having her license suspended in November 2006, she pleaded no contest to a reckless driving charge in January 2007.She was put on probation for 36 months and given a fine of $1,500, which she promptly pulled out her purse, dusted the cocaine off and handed over.

But being Paris, she was soon pulled over (January 15, 2007) for driving with a suspended license and a signed document acknowledging that she was not permitted to drive. Nice one! THEN, on February 27, 2007 Hilton was caught driving 70 mph in a 35 mph zone, again with a suspended license. Seriously?

 “Prosecutors in the office of the Los Angeles City Attorney charged that those actions, along with the failure to enroll in a court-ordered alcohol education program, constituted a violation of the terms of her probation.” No shit, Sherlock!

In May 2007, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail. Cheers of joy could be heard across the planet, congratulating Judge Michael T. Sauer on what was quite possible the best pwnage of all time. Despite pleading with Arnie himself to pardon her sentence and creating a petition, the sentence stuck.

She turned herself in after the 2007 MTV Movie Awards, where she was ripped a new one by Sarah Silverman. Despite everyone’s glee at a celebrity not getting special treatment in the court, the County Sheriff soon signed papers reassigning Hilton to 40 days of house arrest with a monitoring tag due to an unspecified medical condition, ie. her Herpes flared up.

‘ "My message to those who don't like celebrities is that punishing celebrities more than the average American is not justice," contesting that under normal circumstances, Hilton would not have served any time in jail, and he added that "The special treatment, in a sense, appears to be because of her celebrity status ... She got more time in jail" ‘

Spoil sport.

Anyways, Judge Michael T. Sauer was having none of it, and ordered her to reappear in court the next morning. The original sentence said that she was to have no early releases/electronic monitoring, and he threw her ass back in jail. Sauer wouldn’t listen to any excuses, and on hearing she would be heading back, Hilton burst into tears and started crying.


hero (PERSON) (plural heroes)   
noun [C]
1      (FEMALE heroine) a person who is admired for having done something very brave or having achieved something great:
a war hero
He became a national hero for his part in the revolution.

2.   Judge Michael T. Sauer.



So while in jail, Paris got all spiritual and shit, talked about “new beginnings” and went on Larry King two days after her release to protest she’s a changed person.



Paris Exposed

Around the same time of her arrest, Paris was clearly not only forgetful about her lack of driving license/underwear; she also forgot to pay the money on a rented storage locker where she kept some, er, personal belongings.

After being auctioned off, the winning bidder set up, and it did its job well! Paris stated that the original sex tape scandal was embarrassing. Well it was about to get much worse, much to the amusement of the nation. For around $40, you could see the entire contents of her locker, but it all leaked online free anyway. Contents included pictures of;

-          -Paris with various pipes, weed, coke and shrooms

-          -Paris lighting a pipe, acting high as a fucking kite and trying to eat her hand.

-          -Paris getting high again.

-          -And again.

-         - Nicole Richie eating coke off a plate.

-         - Lots of shrooms.

Paris is basically a huge druggie despite looking Larry dead in the eye and saying she’d never touched drugs in her life. Maybe she is a good actress after all. Other pictures were particularly, er, intimate, with lots of naked shots, not to mention a few more sex tapes thrown in there. Girl loves the camera. There were also personal notes from her diary about/from several people including her ex-boyfriends, like Nick Carter .

Personal favourites are the pictures of a man with a tonne of coke poured on his chest, and a prescription for Valtrex. Classy.


The list of people Paris has (allegedly) hooked up with would take far too long, but she has managed some prominent, long-term relationships along the way. She was engaged to a model called Jason Shaw (who stars in some more of Paris’s home videos) from 2002-2003. In 2003-2004, she dated “singer” Nick Carter from Backstreet Boys.

In 2005, she aimed a little higher and became engaged to Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. The relationship ended in late 2005. She then moved onto another shipping heir, Stavros Niarchos. The pair dated on/off for years.

In what could quite easily be described as the most unlikely couple ever, Paris and Benji Madden of Good Charlotte started dating in 2008. She proclaimed he was the one blah blah blah, before breaking up with him in November 2008.

In 2009, she started dating reality douche Doug Reinhardt, once again telling everyone that this was the one, he was going to be her husband. They broke up in June 2009. Sense a pattern? They are currently back together, after Paris realised she really isn’t going to do any better