10 Reasons Why The Modern Age Sucks

We once lived in a world of wonder. We now live in a world blessed with our own shame and ignorance. Everything we ever wanted is coming to be and nobody actually gives a shit.

To Dick Tracy (stop) Regarding your last comment (stop)

Just The Facts

  1. You used to be able to answer the question "Can you imagine that?" with "No".
  2. If someone has thought of it, it either exists, or is in the works.
  3. Everything that makes life better is apparently just something else to complain about.

10) Whooooo Fucking Cares

Louis CK said it best: "everything right now is amazing and nobody appreciates it".

If you go back in time just a few years, then a decade, then several decades, then start going back by hundreds of years...I guarantee you you're dumb enough to check your phone at each stop for service.

The modern day marvel of the hand-held cell phone (which is a phone, calculator, text device, notepad, clock and complete mobile office) is hourly referred to as a 'piece of shit' when it does something wrong.

Drive-thru windows at fast food restaurants taking longer than 2 minutes are deemed too slow to warrant a return visit next time you're drunk driving and hungry at 2am.

Baconnaise exists. Isn't that enough?!

There are many things we have today that no other generation had been gifted with previously, and those things are certainly taken for granted. There are also things that just arent around anymore at all, changing the landscape of our physical cities, as well as our social commentaries.

9) Some Things Just Don't Happen Anymore

The Milkman Cometh...on your mom's face! But no, seriously, folks, many people joke that maybe their buddy's mom fucked the milkman and that's maybe his real dad. Pretty hilarious proposition...30 years ago! Back in the day, you would leave a little slip on your doorknob that said "Homo, 1 quart" or "1% bag". These aren't suggested sexual positions or descriptions, they're orders for your next day's delivery of milk!

Simple day-to-day events that are fodder for common expressions just don't exist anymore. When was the last time you said "I better hurry if I want to get to the post office!" or attended your local town hall meeting?

And remember when we used to all play "guns" with our neighbors? Back when we actually knew our neighbors? It was fun playing guns around your yards and houses but it's a little harder nowadays to play in your apartment building or grandma's basement, or wherever your parents can afford to live. You can't play guns now, anyway. Kids aren't allowed to have play weapons that aren't colored like a starfish on ecstasy and people think kids are being violent because it's 2011. We're pretty sure kids have been playing guns with eachother for a few decades now.

"Bang! My parents don't spend enough time with me and my teacher's doing a horrible job! Bang!"

8) Social Skills. Gone the Way of the Dodo

When was the last time someone under 30 shook your hand and it felt geniune? It's something their boss told them to do and that's why they're doing it.

"Ok....now what?"

A new generation has entered the much-predicted digital age, people's lives are literally lived surrounded by thousands of online friends while sitting alone in their room. It's easy to sound clever when you've had 4 hours to think up a new status update on Facebook or stolen someone else's line from Twitter for your own.

Everyone is used to keeping their head down, looking at their phones that they almost forget what a human face, in real life, looks like (let alone how to interact with one). The familiarity of Facebook's blue-and-white structure and Twitter's streaming columns are the new 'warm embrace' and people can't stand to stare at eachother in person for too long before one wonders what the other is up to. Eye contact is only to be avoided if you're confronted with a bear, a lion or a jaguar, not when you're meeting new people. A genuine inquiry into their lives might help create a bond further to your "Hi how's it going" ice-breaker (which you sadly took all day thinking up).

7) Where Have All the Heroes Gone?

Do kids have anyone to look up to anymore? It must have been so easy to run a poster business years ago: "Who do people like? Micheal Jordan? Great, make 10 billion posters of him".

Sure Harrison Ford still kicks ass no matter how many shitty movies he makes now, he earned so many brownie points in the 80's, he can do no wrong. Davey Crockett, JFK, Young Sean Connery, Ghandi...how many household names are there today? It used to mean something when a 10 year old and his mom both knew who somebody was. Now we have huge generational gaps with moms asking "What's a Perez Hilton?" and kids thinking a war in Libya is an extremely graphic discussion about mom's vagina going crazy.

Thanks to YouTube, social media and extremely short attention spans, our 15 minutes of fame has become everyone and their dog (literally, sometimes) trying to get a few seconds here and a few seconds there to ADD UP to 15 minutes. We're surrounded by mediocrity and applaud horrible attempts for attention.

...and adore people who don't know their 15 minutes are up.

The Presidential Address used to show the country's leader in a confident light, supporting us in our times of need. Now it just interrupts Dancing with the Stars. And really, let's not get into a debate about what makes someone qualify to be called a "star".

Sports stars are constantly trapped in drug scandals and crime. Let's face it, there are actually very few modern sports players that stand out like Larry Bird and Wayne Gretzky did in their day. Everyone is referred to as an up-and-comer, even hockey's Sidney Crosby (to this day) is referred to as "The Next One"...isn't he already here and doing pretty damn good?

6) U-Edit Encyclopedias Online

75% of doctors admit to hopping on Wikipedia when they're stuck for a reason those lumps on your balls are polka-dotted. The problem, of course, is that anyone with an internet connection can hop on there and say that polka-dotted ball lumps are caused by raping horses. The doctor then has to go back into the room and figure out a way to casually ask if you've raped any horses lately. It would be quite the stroke of luck for the diagnosis to be correct.

Doctors, students, enthusiasts...everyone uses these online dictionaries and encyclopedias for genuine information, often forgetting they're edited daily by 12 year old tricksters, creating a new, modern-day 'prank phone call'.

"I have it on good authority that you have pooh in your balls."

5) Futuristic Inventions Not Available or Too Expensive

The only "futuristic" invention that was supposed to 'revolutionize society as we know it' is the ridiculously ridiculous "Segway" (yes, that's spelled correctly so don't u-edit it as "segue"). Dean Kamen, the Segway's lazy (we're assuming) inventor literally expected the invention to have entire cities dig up and re-lay sidewalks and roadways. Announcing this a year before the revelation of the Segway helped fuel the enormous disappointment people felt when the two-wheeled "standing man's wheelchair" was revealed.

Some folks out for a good, healty 'seg'.

A large part of the Segway's failure is that it's intended use was already invented by humans millions of years ago. It's called "running". It takes a bit more work but most people seem to feel it's worth it.

Many other inventions are supposed to be here and now, such as the flying car. Not many designs of the modern age differ much from the imagination of past failures...

...apparently carved out of Toucan Sam's skull

Sure, there are "flying cars" that are actually airplanes that, if you start saving up now for, you might be able to have one parked out front of your humble apartment or townhome...

....or fucking MANSION.

What kind of promotional image is that, anyway? Is that really the "suggested serving" for a flying car? What happened to the everyman having access to flying cars, jetboots, rocketpacks and robots that give blowjobs? Fuck you, "Back to the Future, Part II".

4) We're Out of Original Stories for Movies

As pointed out in another article, even last year's "Inception" was originally told in an issue of Scrooge McDuck comic books. What happened to films like "ET" teaching us to love and cheer for alien invaders? You can only make "Rear Window" so many times before we never want to see the original ever again. And sequel after sequel after Squeakuel.

All movies and tv shows just seem to be re-hashing ideas already done, or directly doing an 'updated' version of a classic.

Not that they didn't at least TRY to make it bearable to watch.

The Academy Awards seems to have little trouble choosing the dozen or so films to focus on from any given year because so much of the rest is just non-sensical crap. Heck, we love Buzz, Woody and the Gang but Toy Story 3 was like watching Toy Story 2 while standing on your head.

Comic book movies are the big thing these days but sometimes people forget that new comics come out every single Wednesday (and have done so for decades!). That means that, odds are good, many stories you're seeing on the big screen have already been told in the books. And probably better. Like, remember when Superman had to face Lex Luthor but Lex had gotten his hands on kryptonite? Remember those movies? Waaaaaaay back just a few years ago?

3) TMI - Too Much Information

DMY but more information is available to you today than has ever been available in the history of mankind. Accessible in a way that visionaries of the past could have never dreamed possible. Want to know the distance between the Earth and the Moon? Goooooogle! People used to have to get out their protractors and measure that shit.

Amazing discoveries are coming our way on an almost weekly basis and we're so oversaturated with data that we can't even comprehend, let alone appreciate, the enormity of it all.

Recently, there was the discovery of almost 2000 planets outside our solar system, 50 of which have the real potential to harbour life. People's reaction?....

OMG! Nu planits! Whatev, rite? L8R! LOL!

2) Religion? Really? It's 2011!

There was a time that gods were worshipped by us mere mortals in the innocent and ignorant belief that they controlled the heavens, the earth and, yay, the universe itself. These beings were flawless, yet flawed. Like us, but above us. Forgiving, yet ruthless.

"White Stripes? I say thee 'nay'!"

As time moves along and we become more and more educated, we realize that these beings are simply used by group leaders to keep control over their masses and their influence goes away with our belief in their very existence.

We're in no way saying that religion is holding back the scientific advancement of mankind and the ability for people to truly understand our real role in this universe. We just feel, slightly, that religion is holding back the scientific advancement of mankind and the ability for people to truly understand our real role in this universe.

"Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen it, young Skywalker..."

1) The Shit World the Baby Boomers Left Us

Margarine? What a great idea! Fat sure is cheaper than butter!

Another factory? Sure, if it'll make me rich!

I can either have air to breathe, or money? I'll take the money, please! Tear that ugly forest down!

Oh, I fucked up the planet, as well as the economy and the future of my children?....LOL!

The last 100 years has irrepairably destroyed the planet Earth for good. We have wiped out entire species because they taste good or by addidentally destroying their homes

Or they were just too sexy to live..

The world's financial state is in ruins; the only positive news is how wealthy the giant corporations are becoming but all we should really care about is how we're going to retire, ourselves. Old age pension, 401k's and even the simple ability to save for the future don't exist anymore.

The planet's atmosphere is in the worst shape it's been in for 60 millions years and we're pretty much past the point of no return on repairing it properly. Fossil fuels run the world so corporate fat cats can get rich off the middle class and that supply is simply going to run out one day and we have no back up plan that is financially feasible to put in place. Nearly every country in the world goes millions to billions to trillions of dollars into debt every year with no real solution on the horizon.

Waiting for the Nuo-Modern Age...

Everything feels like it's just on the brink of either collapsing or becoming awesome. Video games are "kind of like you're really there" but it's that kind of "like" where it's "like it's like you're really there" and we're salivating at the time when full immersion really means what it says.

"Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B, A, Control Oooohhh yeah right there..."

We think the new age will involve great advancements if we can just get around these greedy companies keeping politicians in their pockets to keep future-saving bills to pass. So far "going green" seems to just be a catchphrase or marketing tool rather than a social shift. The world as it stands right now really, really sucks and everyone is holding their breath just waiting for change.

"Don't disappoint me..."