Reindeer

Reindeer can fly at close to the speed of light, but the only person able to command this ability is an obese recluse who can't be bothered to explain the phenomenon because he's too busy running a global toy drive that discriminates against Jews

Also, he breaks into your house every year and your children are on one of his lists.

Image by Dr. Strange

Just The Facts

  1. Rudolph should have been content with the fact that he could fly. Not being included in "reindeer games" should not have been an issue.
  2. Although, I guess the games that a bunch of flying reindeer came up with, would probably be pretty cool. They probably played Quidditch.
  3. I really, really want to play reindeer games now.

Reindeer in Pop Culture

Reindeer were pretty obscure to most people until the publication of the famous poem Twas the Night Before Christmas in 1823. This story implemented a convoy of reindeer as Santa's means of transportation.

Then, in 1936, Santa's convoy became complete with the addition of Rudolph through the song, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Rudolph's nose glows bright enough to navigate even the foggiest of nights. Unfortunately, the anatomical placement of this light source renders him utterly cross-eyed and it's probably considered to be a Christmas miracle anytime he doesn't crash the sleigh.

Since the creation of Rudolph, reindeer have been canonized in a number of god-awful commercials and TV specials.

Rudolph is so cross-eyed, it's a Christmas miracle whenever he doesn't crash the sleigh.

Perhaps the most famous reindeer role in television and film was the classic 1964 Christmas special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (pictured above) but that success was short lived and not to be repeated. Since then, things have gone decidedly downhill for reindeer in showbiz. The all time low came when they shared the screen with Tim Allen in the 1994 "comedy" The Santa Clause.

Above: Dark Times

Things started to look up again when a reindeer had a small supporting role in the 1996 bomb Jingle All the Way. Don't get us wrong. It was a terrible movie. But, to the reindeer's credit, he spent the majority of the film trying to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger-always a crowd-pleaser.

Presumably the reindeer was sent from the future to stop Arnold from running in 2004.

Reindeer in Food

This is what Rudolph looks like on December 26th.

Pictured above, you can see what Rudolph probably looks like on December 26th. Not only can he fly; he's also delicious. In real life, Reindeer may have a rich history of being celebrated as a secular holiday icon, but they have a far richer history of being shot, stuffed, and eaten. This article ( http://www.jstor.org/pss/278435 ) suggests that they "may well be the species of single greatest importance in the entire anthropological literature of hunting."

Their meat is commonplace in arctic and sub-artctic regions. Reindeer meatballs are canned and sold in Scandinavian countries and reindeer sausage is available on the shelf for most of Alaska. But it doesn't stop there. Reindeer horns are infused with grain alcohol to make Reindeer Horn Whiskey-columnist Robert Brockway's holiday drink of choice.

Robert Brockway's holiday drink of choice.

General Reindeer Desecration

The reindeer is an established part of Christmas tradition and so it has inevitably been bastardized in a number of ways. You don't have to look very hard to find Christmas decorations that feature Donner defiling Blitson.

Not to mention, the reindeer is the costume of choice for girls who didn't get the slutiness out of their system during Halloween.

If the nose really glows, choose lights off. It's awesome.

Editor's Note: If the nose actually glows and you get the choice between lights on or lights off, you should definitely pick lights off. Just saying.

And in case we haven't ruined reindeer yet, you should know that reindeer antlers are a popular aphrodisiac.

Yes, reindeer keep the holiday cheer going year round. And by "holiday cheer", we of course mean, brittle, air-pocket filled, old person sex.