Frogger

Remember "Look both ways before crossing the street?" Fuck that shit. You are a human master controlling your frog slave. It's life is in your hands... *SPLAT* shit, hold on, let me finish this level.&

Who needs guns to kill animals?

Just The Facts

  1. Growing up as an arcade game in the 80s was tough. Frogger always fought for attention with its siblings, Pac-Man and Galaga.
  2. No amount of Frogger skill in any way, shape, or form will help you get laid.
  3. Unless of course you know how to jump on the female frog and ride her home.

Cracked on Frogger

It's not that difficult. First find a cross-walk. Wait a minute, what the fuck?

Damn, we at Cracked had forgotten that the cross-walk wasn't invented until 1991.

Well, let's see. Hop Forward! Watch out! Here comes a car! *SPLAT*

Shit. It's ok, we got 4 Frog-men left. Hope forward. Car. CAR! Hop Forward! Phew! We made it. Let's assess the situation! Car from the other direction! Watch out! *SPLAT*

We had also forgotten that the concept of dividing highways bi-directionally down the middle was also a 90s thing...

Next try. Phew! We made it to the across the street! Now onto the river! First turtle row down. let's go! One log down, two logs down. Next turtles here! take a breather on these turtles. What? Why are you diving!? Stop!

Another life down. Silly us, how could we have forgotten that frogs can't swim? Seriously, what the fuck is up with this game?

Ok, next try. We made it across the street, past those good for nothing turtles. And here is victory but one leap away. Ready, set, and -- ABORT! ABORT! CROCODILE! *EATEN BY CRODILE* Why the hell do I even want to go to the frog home infested with Crocodiles?

Ok, last life. YES! Completed Stage 1 and Stage 2! This game isn't so bad, just a little bit of a learning curve, but we got it down now. Cars got faster on the road, but no problem, just made it to the edge of the river. *HISS* What is that?! *EATEN BY SNAKE*.

Fuck Snakes. Fuck Australia. Let's go to a Titty Bar, I'm driving.