P. Diddy

P.Diddy is the self-proclaimed moniker of musical "performer" Sean Combs. He has had different aliases but decided this was the dumbest so it suited him best. He’s also really rich and bangs hot models so I probably dislike him out of some jealousy

Just The Facts

  1. P.Diddy's momma named him Sean, I'm gonna call him Sean.
  2. His greatest career move was hiding in the belly folds of the Notorious B.I.G. and riding his rolls to success.
  3. Needs to drink the blood of unbaptized babies to achieve an erection.

History of the Diddy.

Sean "P.Diddy" Combs was born in Harlem, New York in 1969. His father was an associate of known drug kingpin Frank Lucas and found out the hard way why being the known associate of drug dealers is not a healthy thing. He was shot dead when Sean was just a baby. While at the time most thought it was a tragedy, it did save his father from having to hear his remake of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir".

The following image is P.Diddy re-enacting his cover of Kashmir.

In this picture, P.Diddy re-enacts his cover of "Kashmir".

Combs went on to Howard University and eventually returned to New York to make his name in the music business. He started by organizing a charity concert that was so poorly run 9 people died and 29 were injured. A court later found Combs and rapper Heavy D guilty of negligence. Combs claimed that he had tried to help control the eventual stampede of fans but eyewitness accounts had him running to the box office to snag the cash while yelling "FIRE!". Combs announced a benefit concert to benefit the victims of his previous benefit concert but it has yet to occur.

P.Diddy would work a few jobs in the music business and eventually found his own label, Bad Boy Records. This time also would lead to his most fruitful creative endeavor: following around a morbidly obese Hip Hop Artist named Chris Wallace. Through his association with Wallace(aka The Notorious B.I.G.), P.Diddy and Bad Boy Records became one of the biggest labels in R&B and Hip Hop. P.Diddy managed to attach himself to hits by Boyz 2 Men, Mariah Carey, TLC, Mase, Faith Evans and, shockingly, Charlie Daniels. P.Diddy and B.I.G would also become embroiled in the East Coast/West Coast Hip Hop "War" when they invaded Oregon and sacked its capitol, Salem.

The City of Salem, Oregon burns as a result of the East Coast/West Coast HipHop War.

In March of 1997, tragedy occurred when P.Diddy's main mealticket was punched. Chris Wallace, the Notorious B.I.G., was shot dead in Los Angeles after negotiating a peace treaty with Suge Knight at the Vibe Awards. 4 9mm bullets were found in B.I.G's body, disproving once and for all time the theory that fat people could repel bullets like the X-Men villain "The Blob". Combs was in a separate car and witnesses claim that, when the gunfire began, he yelled "Fire!" and ran back inside the Vibe building to grab his money.

Combs decided the best way to honor the memory of his friend was to sexually violate that memory so thoroughly that his career since could be described as a musical sex crime. Combs became a master of the hip-hop staple of "sampling". Since the inception of Hip Hop, bands like Run DMC had used bits of established songs to provide a backdrop for the work of their DJ's and Rappers. Diddy decided that, if a little sample worked, why not just sing new lyrics over the entire fucking song? This led him to perform the musical version of the Jodie Foster rape scene in "The Accused" on music by Sting, The Eurythmics, Roberta Flack, Led Zeppelin,Enya and more.

Jennifer Lopez takes it to the hole in the 1998 NBA playoffs.

Like B.I.G., Jennifer Lopez is one of the large-assed satellites in P.Diddy's orbit. Lopez was a backup dancer on the TV show "In Living Color" when she received her big break: Playing a dead singer in a movie. Touched by another person making their name off a musical corpse, P.Diddy decided he had to have Lopez's affection and ample asscheeks. They engaged in a highly publicized relationship that ended when Lopez decided she'd couldn't stand listening to "I'll be missing you" one more fucking time. Before they broke up, they collaborated on some of the most forgettable music in American history.

The P.Diddy Empire continues to expand. He has slapped his nickname on a clothing brand, perfume for men and women, reality TV shows and the murder of Tupac Shakur. Well, he was accused but there is no evidence Combs had anything to do with the murder of the man who was accused of arranging the murder of his tubby troubadour. Just winkwinks and nudgenudges. Diddy's clothing line was accused of using dogs as material and sweatshop workers as, well, sweatshop workers. But neither charge could stop the march of Mr.Combs to the most elite tax bracket in the US as his net worth is estimated at $346 Million dollars.

One thing P.Diddy and America can agree on: Jessica Biel has amazing tits.

Like the giant spider in "Arachnophobia", P.Diddy has managed to live off the bloated corpse of someone close to him for years. And like that spider, he grew bigger and bigger until he was shot in the chest by Jeff Daniels. However, while that spider died, P.Diddy continues to thrive. So maybe he is more like an unkillable vampire? A vampire from Harlem, spawned by the mean streets of New York only to become so famous and rich he is beyond the knowledge that his activities paint him as an utter douchebag. A douchebag Blackula, if you will. Whatever the case may be, if you see Sean "P.Diddy" Combs running somewhere screaming "Fire!", stick to him like a stretch mark on B.I.G's bloated corpse. Because trouble is the other way.