Kim Jong il promises total annihilation if his demands are not met
Brought to you by Atomic Bomb Kimchee
A strange turn of events today;
In a fit of rage North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has ordered his military to aim their nuclear weapons at themselves.
Kim Jong-il is widely thought to be a bit of a belligerent son of a bitch by most other countries,
a real 'devil without a clue', and this most recent episode does much to prove them right.
The dictator, whose erratic behaviors have continuously provoked nations much larger and more powerful then his, puzzling even the most seasoned of crack-pot analysts, has now gone stark raving lunatic.
His incessant threats of military attack have long instilled fear into his neighbors, but in an unexpected twist of srategy he's now turned that threat inwards. His country is his hostage, and he threatens to blow it to smithereens if his demands aren't met.
Kim Jong il's prized cartoon arsenal
South Koreans, absolutely tired of his nonsense, have officially approved of this latest action.
South Korean President Lee Myung Bak describes the situation as this:
"Kim Jong Il just like mean loud-mouth fat man come to your all you can eat buffet,
he stay there six hour, only eat meat, no eat vegable, kill other customer; Time to GO NOW!"
Kim Jong-il has often said in the past that he would not take shit from any other countries.
This has led many top western think tanks to conclude that he is obviously full of it.
And this time, he apparently is.
Still traumatized and very recent North Korean escapee Dong Hung-din had this to say:
"Glorious leader very very upset! No see him this mad since starving villagers piss in his Kimchee!
He had everybody in entire country caned with bamboo for that! Somebody gonna pay."
So what is it that's made the world's most infamous madman...well, madder?
This unprecedented action was supposedly taken in response to the United States and South Korea's holding of military maneuvers in the ocean off disputed North Korean territory. That in itself however was not the main reason for this brash move. The event is said by North Korean
insiders to have instead been fueled by the South Korean president's internet posting
of a photo showing Kim Jong il's flaccid, wrinkled, shriveled and spotty naked body sitting on a padded luxury toilet.
"Glorious Leader" craps out
Kim Jong il's Revenge
"I KILL EVERYBODY YOU ASSHOLES!
I blow whole country off map I so angry! Fuck all you round eye, you too South Korea!!" screamed Kim Jong-il defiantly in a conference with NATO representatives.
After seeing the photo and laughing uncontrollably, many government officials are convinced he'll do it, including this North Korean one:
"Glorious Leader Kim Jong-il always been out his fucking mind, he just likes to blow shit up."
said North Korean Chief Minister of Starvation Suk Kim-kwak, who asked to remain anonymous due
to the implications of his name, which really doesn't matter since he's about to be blown to little hungry radioactive bits anyway.
I so ANGRY!!
The fact that it'll be his own countrymen he's killing doesn't seem to mean a thing to Kim Jong-il,
who has a long history of giving a damn less about them in the first place.
In a short speech broadcast to the world today but not shown on Korean Central TV Kim Jong il
issued this stern ultimatum and explanation for his actions
"Take one step towards my country, I'll kill us all- No kidding! In People's Democratic
Republic of Korea, all people must worship my image, how I going to keep face when people
see me naked on crapper?? I not even supposed to shit! The people all shit in hole on cold ground
then must pay heavy fine for it, how I explain whistling doody on heated padded seat???
How anybody supposed to run a proper totalitarian dictatorship like that?
For your Capitalist Dog provocations North Korea must PAY! You have 72 hour!!"
Kim Jong il demonstrates nuclear self destruction as art via mass gymnastics and mosaic cards
NATO spokesman general Gen. Mike Awk summarizes it this way,
"Generally, when countries war they attack each other, not themselves
This is a new tactic we've not seen before, but this is North Korea
we're talking about here; with him having nukes what are we supposed to do?"
Truth be known, nobody really knows what to do,
mainly because Kim Jong il wasn't exactly clear what he wants.
What he was clear on is that in 72 hours he's going to immolate his entire nation if he doesn't get it.
Given this despot's history, we await the demand of aid in exchange for his pledge
not to blow something up, with the something in this case being himself.
Diplomats and Heads of State were taken totally off-guard by this approach as well,
but they've got a good idea about what to do next, which is leave it up to the
South Koreans, who are eager to see the issue resolve itself with time.
States the hawkish South Korean president Lee Myung Bak, who is poised for an all out offensive
"He think that funny?
Next I release video we have of him dressed only in tutu singing 'Good Ship Rorripop!"
So, what do we do? Only time will tell. Whatever we do we'd better do it quickly before the country with no lights becomes the country that glows in the dark.