Tic Tac Toe

Tic Tac Toe is a game that, sadly, does not involve ticking tacks in toes in any form.

Just The Facts

  1. Tic Tac Toe is a simple game that can be played with a pen and a piece of paper.
  2. It is commonly played by two people, and has become a staple of bored people everywhere.
  3. The object of the game is get three consecutive symbols across a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal row, upon which the whole game is repeated until someone throws down his pen out of frustration and says, "Let's just play Nintendo."

A History of Tic Tac Toe

Tic Tac Toe apparently originated in Ancient Rome, in the First Century BC. Aside from their fondness for board games such as chess, backgammon, and Tic Tac Toe, the people of Ancient Rome were also patrons of more competitive activities such as gladiatorial combat, where two men were forced to fight to the death; public executions, where people were fed to the lions; and chariot racing, where two teams are supposed to race each other while dealing immense bodily harm. Just like Mario Kart, but without those goddamn Blue Shells.All these violent activities became a form of amusement and entertainment for the Roman Empire, presumably because fans of the Coliseum became sick of having to watch two men hunched over a board muttering and playing Tic Tac Toe.

Back then, this was basically YouTube.

A Sure-Win Way of Playing Tic Tac Toe

Throughout history there has existed the eternal struggle of two people, hopelessly locked in a state of mental battle, wherein the wrong use of resources could result in a stalemate, causing the same pointless war to being once more. It's called 'Ending Tic Tac Toe With a Tie', and more often than not the Final Winner is whoever wins at Wii Tennis after both players have abandoned the game.

Not Pictured: Tic Tac Toe.

However, throughout time there have been mathematicians, extremely bored people, extremely smart people, or a combination of the previous three who have determined how a person can win in tic tac toe, based on the moves your opponent will make. This involves mapping out all 26,830 possible games, which could go on record as the most tedious thing ever documented. This strategy, if played properly, will result in a win for you, or a tie at the least. A player who pulls of this system will never lose, just like if you made a system for blackjack, but without any big-time profits or Kevin Spacey.

Not Pictured: Tic Tac Toe.

The Ultimate Tic Tac Toe Machine

In 1975, Erlyne Gee, Edward Hardebeck, Daniel Hillis, Margaret Minsky and brothers Barry and Brian Silverman, students at MIT, proved what poor tic tac toe-playing meatbags we are by developing the concept for the Ultimate Tic Tac Toe Machine. Made through Tinkertoys (possibly costing a great percentage of their college student ramen budget), the machine has the capacity to play any game of tic tac toe and never lose.

Despite its status as a formidable artificially intelligent machine, it has never been confirmed whether this computer became the inspiration for James Cameron's science fiction movie, The Terminator.

Nope, no tic tac toe in here, either. Sorry.

Playing the Game

Tic Tac Toe is generally played using a pencil and a piece of paper. Writing surfaces have ranged from margins of high school notebooks to walls and even the occasional piece of toilet paper.

"All right, we're good to go. Who's first?"

One of the players draws a three-by-three grid on the writing surface with the writing implement. If you are five years old or have the mental capacity of three day-old socks, you may use the Official Cracked Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator. (See the Official Cracked.com Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator.)

The game begins with both players agreeing on which one uses the crosses and which one uses the circles. The first tip will be to pick the crosses, as they look cooler. A player can resort to fisticuffs if needed.

Once this has been resolved (and all abrasions and injuries have been treated) the first player to go places his symbol in any of the nine spaces on the grid. The first person to line up three symbols in a row wins.

The Official Cracked.com Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator

Patent Pending.

How to Use:

Option A: The Easy Way
1. Print out this Topic Page.
2. Use The Official Cracked.com Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator printed on your copy to play Tic Tac Toe.
3. When your game is finished, simply print another copy of this Topic Page for your use.
4. Lie awake with your crippling guilt over the immense number of bond papers you've squandered, you tree-killing bastard.
5. Enjoy!

Option B: The Paul Bunyan Method
1. Obtain a piece of bond paper (or toilet paper, should this be the case.)
2. Place writing paper over your computer screen.
3. Simply trace over The Official Cracked.com Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator displayed on your computer screen.
(NOTE: Do not do this step if your computer screen is not displaying The Official Cracked.com Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator. You'd look stupid tracing an image of Joanna Angel [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED], even if you weren't stupid enough to follow Step 2 already. Immediately navigate to this Topic Page.)
4. Lie awake with your crippling guilt over the countless trees who've died for that toilet paper or piece of paper, you tree-killing bastard.
5. Enjoy!

Option C: The Stoner Method
1. Obtain a clear, easy to hold writing implement, such as a permanent marker.
2. Invite friend to house for a game of Tic Tac Toe.
3. Navigate to this Topic Page.
4. Simply use the marker to write on your monitor screen, using The Official Cracked.com Tic Tac Toe Grid Generator.