O.J. Simpson: football hero, actor and Norm MacDonald punch line. Also…oh...what’s the word? Oh, yeah. A MURDERER!
'The Juice' (the quotes are to indicate an ironic tone) was born in San Francisco, California on July 9th, 1947. He was probably delivered by a homosexual doctor who was tripping balls and getting a blow job from Grace Slick. His parents were Eunice and Jimmy Lee Simpson, who are now both dead. O.J.'s involvement in their shuffling off of the mortal coil has yet to be denied. Eunice and Jimmy Lee also birthed one other male and two females, but they never killed anybody, so who gives a shit?
Get to murderin', Ladies.
He attended Galileo High School where he played football for the Galileo Lions, named for a species of lion that got sick and tired of those fucking meerkats and their ideas about stars, so they built their own telescope to prove them wrong. Presumably, they then ate the meerkats, because lions are dicks like that.
Dude, stars are, like, bacon, man.
His early life was relatively free of suspicious murders, though he did go on to college at USC, where studies show that non-O.J. related suspicious murders happen at the rate of six a minute [source]. It was there that, in 1968, he won some sort of sporting award. Some people's dads claim it was a big deal, but whatever.
Later, in 1969, O.J. was drafted to the Buffalo Bills, a National Football League Team named after this guy.
In 1973, O.J. set a rushing record; which, as it turns out, was NOT for being able to sit all the way through 2112 without jumping out a fifth story window (something no one's been able to do).
So stupidly long and annoying to listen to.
1974 saw O.J. acting in a movie called The Klansman where he played a black militant, and The Towering Inferno, where he played a black security guard. In 1977 he acted on an overlooked TV mini-series called Roots, where he played, oddly enough, a white slave master. We think. Never saw the thing.
For O.J., the 1977 football season was cut short due to injury. Whether or not this injury was due to his Viking side activities is still up for debate.
In 1978, he hosted an episode of Saturday Night Live which was pretty damn funny.
Essentially, in the '70s, if there was pussy to be had, O.J. would scoff at it, then find three much better pussies to violate with his sea-faring, Scandinavian penis.
This era in O.J.'s life was suspiciously free of murders. He got married to Nicole Brown, which will become important later, and made a bunch of shitty TV shows, of which no one has ever heard.
He was then cast in Naked Gun: From the Files of the Police Squad! as Nordberg. While the movie was, by all accounts, badass as hell, it gains re-watchability due to the opening scene where Nordberg gets his ass repeatedly shot, stabbed and burned. He was also in the follow-ups: Naked Gun 2 1/2 which was pretty good and Naked Gun 33 1/3, which was not very good, even though it involved a geriatric man beating up Weird Al Yankovic.
Fuck you, childhood hero!
Then, in 1994, O.J. killed two people.
On June 12th, 1994, O.J. interrupted an episode of RoboCop: The Series (seriously) by trying to outrun the Los Angeles police in a Bronco, which would have been a lot cooler if he were moving full tilt on the horse, and not slowly riding in the shitty SUV.
Fuck you, Cracked. You have to watch this instead:
For over a year, Court TV, Marcia Clark and white people spent a shit load of money trying to put O.J. in jail for killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown (see? We told you she'd be important) and some waiter. This fact was deemed hilarious by a Canadian asshole named Norm MacDonald, who took all the money White People were spending and put it in his pocket (figuratively). This act was most likely followed by him pulling a tape recorder out of his shirt pocket and making a comment about not visiting Brentwood.
The attempts of the coalition of people attempting to put O.J. in jail (from here on referred to as "People Who Can Tell Their Ass From a Hole in the Ground") were thwarted by the efforts of 15th level Wizard Johnnie Cochran. As any legal scholar can tell you, Jonnie Cochran had a natural charisma bonus. That, coupled with the jury's natural roll of 1 on their Save vs. Being Completely Lied To, caused the jury to decide that he probably didn't kill those people that he totally killed. It took about five years for the African American community at large to shut the hell up about this fact.
To be fair, he's talking about how much he likes cock.
Later, a civil court decided that he did, in fact, kill those people. By that time, Norm MacDonald had been fired, so no one gave a rat's ass.
Totally killed Nicole and Ron to further his own career.
Riding high off of a combination of getting away with murder, not paying the families of the people he murdered even though the courts said he probably should and playing golf all the damn time, O.J. decided he was bulletproof.
First, he wrote a book that told everyone how he killed those two people. When the publishing company decided it might be in poor taste to make a murderer rich off his astoundingly poor ability to cover up his badass killing abilities, the waiter's family declared, "Fuck the Son of Sam! Put that shit on the shelves!"
Have we mentioned that he TOTALLY killed those two people?
Shortly thereafter, O.J. rounded up what few friends he had left that hadn't already helped him get away with a crime, and robbed Palace Station in Las Vegas. At this point, the only differences between him and Danny Ocean where that Danny Ocean never killed two people, and O.J.'s plan was a lot more like a liquor store robbery orchestrated by a crack head.
Like this, only with more people asking, "How can O.J. Simpson walk with balls that large?"
Tired of O.J. faxing them pictures of his dick, The People Who Can Tell Their Ass From a Hole in the Ground decided to stop fucking around and put his ass in jail. And so they did on December 5th, 2008.