Jogging

Are you one of those people who wants to get in shape, who has taken everyone's advice, but failed? Geez, you're a sucker, aren't you? Jogging, though, may be just the thing you need.&&(navigator.userA

Mom here jogs, walks the dog, strolls with the baby, and leaves behind her out-of-shape husband.

Just The Facts

  1. Jogging is an underrated, but effective way to reach and maintain your ideal weight.
  2. Consult your doctor before starting a jogging regimen. Yes, just like you would before ordering your Extenze.
  3. Jogging shorts are very short, but only look sissy when you're standing still. Or moving really fast. So just jog. Or wear longer shorts.

Why Should I Jog?

Have you tried fat pills that have FAILED and, on top of that, tasted kinda funny? Friends calling you the "Taebo Ho Whose Gut Has Yet to Go"? Also, does your face crack mirrors? Don't fear, there's good news: picking up the ever-popular hobby of jogging could help you with two out of three of your problems! As for the last one, scientists in Spain have made great strides in face transplant technology.
Jogging can be the key to keeping that youthful bounce, feeling happy with your physique, and attracting stares in places you've tried to cover up for years. And no, one-second stares are actually known as "glances," and don't count.

Of course, these are just a few reasons for jogging. The reasons for jogging are as varied as John McCain's political positions:

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck

A Message to You, Couch-Potato

Jogging will be good for you, couch-potato, but you may have a tough time of it. You may have to begin with some visualization. Yes that's right, visualization. Architect's call it a blueprint, coaches call it X's and O's, and writer's call it the rough draft. Visualization. Take time to visualize in your mind the idea of yourself jogging regularly. Oh, and smile. It'll make you feel good.

If your idea of a vacation is a 24 hour marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond

though, you may need to take it slow. . .

If you're a typical half-baked couch-potato, you could probably use a good five minutes of visualization. Feel the sweat dripping, the feet hitting the pavement, the rolls of fat flapping in the wind. This will make the concept of you burning fat less foreign to you. If you're a fully-baked couch potato, take a good 10 minutes in visualization. If you're a fully-naked couch potato, take a good visit to your neighborhood shrink. You probably have some other issues to work out.

What do I need?

If you are the proud owner of a complete skeletal system, then you're 92% there. The other 8% is in the shoes.

What kind of sneaks are you wearing? Those sneakers from last year's Black Friday sale at JCPenny's that your buddy said would help you "score with the ladies"? Your score's still zero, isn't it? Try getting some running shoes. Sure, they're a little pricy, and they may not help you score with the ladies either. But, they will at least get you a stare or two, and even steamy foursomes start with a stare.

Am I Doing It Right?

Jogging isn't really that difficult, when you think about it. Sure, it might be hard for beginners, but jogging's really just a fancy form of walking. You can walk, can't you?

The only thing you have to worry about is doing too much too fast. You don't have to run Olympic distances with Olympic speeds. You're just starting out, take it easy. Breathe. No seriously, breathe. Breathing is the important part of jogging, not distance or speed. You cannot run without breath control, like Sarah Palin cannot run for 2012 without FOX News. Jog until you start to breathe heavy, then slow to a walk. When you recover your wind, pick up jogging again. Jog for about 10 minutes every time you jog until you feel like taking it up a notch. But don't jog everyday, you have to give your body time to heal. Take it easy, Sparky.

Take it from Sarah Palin -- even if it seems there's no hope, keep running!