Son, your mother and I will be gone for a number of months as we're going on a cruise. You'll find the fridge all stocked up, the only thing you may have to buy is cooking oil, as we'll be taking that for anal sex.

Only the well sexed can look that pleased with themselves.

Just The Facts

  1. All boats, from cruise liners to oil tankers, are used primarily for sex.
  2. Only by being the greatest lover of all time can you become the captain of a ship.
  3. Canoes are for homosexuals.

Whatever floats your boat...

Throwing vague sexual innuendo overboard (just one of many nautical terms I'll be crowbarring into this article), you'll find that what floats most peoples boats is water. Watersports, that is, and I'm not talking about rubber dinghies.

Many people are unaware of this, but "to go on a cruise" doesn't mean "to enjoy tropical sunshine on a boat", but is more to do with "fucking anything, pulse or no pulse". And who typically go on cruises? Parents. Cruises are in fact a worldwide organisation hellbent on making your (YOU, READING THIS, YOUR) parents do sex. Sweet bouyant screwing.

So why don't these people just do their thrusty business at home/at orphanges like we do?

Two words. International waters.

You think the missionary position is really gonna get mum squirming? Get daddy gurning? Of course not. These people have been around for a long time, and (as recent studies have found) people had sex before the internet. What people get up to on cruises makes Max Hardcore seem like a harmless randy uncle. There's a reason they take horses on cruises, and it isn't to teach them shuffleboard.

There's a long tradition of having sex with animals when on a cruise ship, it's a little know fact that cruise culture gave us the expression "When in Rome, fuck a buffallo".

There's all sorts of nasty shit you can get up to on international waters, as all good parents know. The difference between good parents and intelligent parents is how they exploit this knowledge, and it's usually by doing it rectally.

The Love Boat

The Love Boat is not the harmless romantic drama we all know and love, but is in fact the most heavily edited porno ever. Don't believe me? Look at the facts:

The Facts

  • It is the most heavily edited porno ever.

Argue with that.

The heavy editing came to be when parents everywhere discovered that footage of themselves aroused around animals was going to be broadcast worldwide on prime time television, thus exposing the cruise industry for what it is, a floating fortress of frigging.

This of course could not be allowed to happen, and the planned expos������© of the cruise industry was thwarted when a branch of al quaeda flew a plane into the set of The Love Boat, reportedly, just for shits.

Sightseeing is for losers

Why is it that these cruise liners stop off at cities? The popular myth is that these stops are for sightseeing, and as usual, you're wrong. Saltwater, as you may well know, makes for a terrible lubricant; and the last thing anyone wants on 3 month long exchange of "nasty fluids" is friction burn, so logically litres and litres and litres of liquid silk get used up. These stops are predominately used for stocking up on lube, and the acquisition of exotic animals. Then it's back to international waters to make use of them both. Shudder me timbers!

Grease Monkey is a popular brand of lube, named after the popular game played on cruise liners.

Grease monkey being the popular brand of lube named after the classic cruise line game.