Alcoholic Energy Drinks

For those of you who are unaware as to the mystical powers that are created when one mixes alcohol and caffeine, I urge you to stand up right now, head to your local 7 eleven and indulge. Now that we have weeded out the beginners we may begin.

Mmmm. Variety...

Just The Facts

  1. DO NOT CONSUME IF YOU: are pregnant, have heart conditions, are epileptic, have any self respect, care what people think of you, care to remember anything, are sane.
  2. If you need more convincing than this article, you do not deserve to be drinking anyways. Go back and play with your toys.

4LOKO

These are essentially 24oz of liquid awesome. 4 LOKO gets its name from its four main ingredients, alcohol, caffeine, taurine and guarana. I know what you're thinking; I too have waiting way to long to hear those four in the same sentence. Now here's the kicker: they cost about as much as a soda and have about 12% more alcohol.

Parents: Want your kids to stop drinking soda? Answer.

Parents: Want your kids to stop drinking soda? Answer.

However this party in a can may be on its way out. Many states have made an effort to ban FOUR and drinks like it. Several Universities are hopping on the douche-bandwagon as well warning their students to stay away and in some cases outright banning the drink. So if your in a state that has not yet banned the drink, take my advice go down to your local liquor store and stock up by the case.

Sparks

The original bad-boy on the alcoholic energy drink front, Sparks are similar to their so called "cocaine in a can" alcoholic brethren. Although they have a lower alcohol content than 4LOKO (6 Percent) they get the job done. It might take more but hey soon were going to have no choice. Once our FOUR stockpiles run out were going to have to go back to its younger brother. Or we would revert back to them had their distributor, MillerCoors, not gift-wrapped their testicles in the form of promising to remove caffeine just because they got sued once. If every corporation gave into demands after being sued once we would be watching porn that consists of two women in a white room reading books on theology.

No, Not like this.

No, Not like this.

JOOSE

Now Joose wins my seal of approval just as four loko does because unlike the pussies at MillerCoors they STILL have a 12% alcoholic drink with those fun words such as tuarine and ginseng that make up the energy part of the drink. Also sold in 24oz cans at roughly the same price as FOUR, Joose should have no problem fitting into the average college students' budget.

As well as His

As well as His...


Now seriously, if you are even reading this I have failed you. If I have not and you are on your way to your local convenience store then I am writing to myself. Which funny enough, is the outcome I had pictured for this article from the beginning.