Cover Bands

Cover bands... When talents fails enough that you couldn't possibly write any original music, but just enough resides in you that you can somehow hold a guitar and brandish your tab reading skills.

Man tits are so punk

Why listen to the real thing when you can have these guys cornhole you for 90 min. for a quater of the price

Just The Facts

  1. A cover band is like choosing american cheese over an expensive french variety
  2. Kool aid over a glass of wine
  3. Dry anal instead of lubed love making....

The Masquerade

Scene: Your out on a friday night about to partake on the usual hogandots and white zinfindal binge that normally accompanies your many re-runs of Grey's Anatomy. Suddenly you feel a sense of danger about you. Like saying certain words in certain neighborhoods or smelling the bad meatloaf in your refrigerator and deciding that dirrareha for the next week is well worth the sub-par meal. You decide that your going out. A band of sorts.... no... a rock band!!!! Most famous rock bands tour at certain times and are normally sold out, and looking into your wallet you only have enough to maybe pay the normal band to blow them or slip them a digit. Then.... you hear that there is a famous cover band in town. Why not, you have nothing better to do and im sure it'll be like seeing the real thing. So you dress up in your mock rocker clothes (your ex husbands leather pants and iron maiden t-shirt you used as a jizz rag more than once). Don your dog's choker collar, 2 pounds of eye liner and your out for a night of debachery. As you step out of your measly apartment you cant help but notice the uncomfortable stares coming from your fellow woman. They must sense the danger that you dressed yourself in and are about to partake in. They must be thinking "yeah, so what if shes gonna drown in some strange man's spunk, shes her own woman" yeah... thats what thier saying. You approach your local drinking hole and see the sign for the "famous" band. "ANALINGOUS: a judas priest experience". Analingous, you think... sounds exciting. You enter the room and witness a sea of 40 something spinsters looking to clear the cobwebs out of thier caves, followed by 20 something males desperate to catch a cougar in thier natural habitat. The band comes on and its a bunch of gay guys singing judas priest songs badly, making ass licking jokes in between songs. What did you expect for a $5 cover.

The Reveal

Cover bands are really just a cheap imitation that couldnt possibly write thier own material. "hey we need to write some music and we all LOVE poison." "hey why dont we just BE poison". That there is how 90% of cover bands are started, although the other 10% is through unadulterated drug use but still. Most cover bands have a clever gimmick and more often than not a non-clever gimmick. You take a band, lets say Megadeth, and your gimmick is that your huge lesbians. I give you Megadyke. You'll cover Megadeth songs with your smug undeserved feminism. Some people believe they'll be as famous as the band thier covering, living vicariously through thier fame or former fame. Now there are some pretty famous cover bands and cover band stories. Mini Kiss is an all midget Kiss cover band. AC/DShe an all female AC/DC cover band. Misfats who are morbidly obese punk kids. Then you have cover bands that take thier favorites and put a different spin on them such as Dread Zepplin who does reggae renditions of Zepplin tunes. And if you find yourself so lucky as to be in a cover band and have the actual band decide that you'd be a perfect replacement to thier freshly kicked out member, then you'd be Tim "Ripper" Owens who was in a Judas Preist cover band and was asked to join when lead singer Rob Halford left the band. So as you can see sometimes its worth it to subject yourself to your metal peers as a hack, for sometimes its reaps its rewards.