Nightmare on Elm Street

Nightmare On Elm Street was a series of horror movies involving children being stalked in their dreams by a monster that desperately needed a dermatologist.

We'd love to hear Freud explain this image.

Johnny Depp's first acting role. That he got accidentally. There is no end to how jealous we are of Johnny Depp.

Just The Facts

  1. The Nightmare On Elm Street series involved 8 movies, a tv show, novelization, and a comic book.
  2. Pretty much nobody gives a fuck about anything but the movies.
  3. Even in the movies, canon is pretty much shit. By the end of the 6th movie, he went from being a janitor to a demigod. Or something.
  4. In the 7th movie, he's killed by a fairy tale, the last he fights Jason Vorhees. We're not sure which is stupider.
  5. Actually, the television show had it's moments.

Freddy Krueger

Freddy starts things off as a murderous janitor (i.e. a janitor) who works at a school who kills off the fine children of Springwood, Ohio. The parents then take STFU DIAF very literally, and they murder Krueger with fire to express how wrong it is to kill people.
Making a deal with the dream gods (a detail so important to the plot they saved it for the 6th fucking movie), he tells the parents he'll kill their children before he dies. The parents respond with "Whatevs, didn't we just burn you to death?"
Released into the dream world, Krueger is able to take out his vengeance with impunity, as the cops insist in all futility that there must be a logical reason the pureed remains of Johnny Depp are on the ceiling of his room. That's some fine detective work, Lou.

The Movies

Watch how fast this whole thing turns to shit:

1. A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984): An inspired, still kinda scary classic horror movie; it's only natural that Michael Bay wants to remake it in his special brand of awful. Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) and her friends are attacked in their dreams by Freddy, with no dumbass gimmicks (well, unless you count the booby-trapped house; that was kinda silly). Plus, you learn the strange anatomical fact that Johnny Depp has more blood in his body than an entire football team.

2. Freddy's Revenge - Laughably bad, and awkwardly homoerotic (see also Cracked.com - The 5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies). Also, Freddy can apparently attack people in the real world now...

3. Dream Warriors - ...Um, no he can't. Luckily, Nancy returns to the series to teach the "Last Of The Elm Street Kids" how to turn into hot, knife-weilding punk rockers, wall-smashing he-men, and, um, a pretty ineffective wizard. Also, this is the movie that introduced "wise-cracking Freddy". You almost think the franchise could get back on its feet until...

4. The Dream Master - Remember how Freddy was only killing "Elm Street Kids", the children of the vigilantes that burned him to death? Well, in this movie he runs out of them. Also, apparently Freddy has been promoted to the Guardian Of The Gate Of Bad Dreams. In a retarded coincidence, there just happens to be a girl at Springwood, um, (High? Tech? What grade are these kids supposed to be in? Were the characters from part 3 held back while in the mental hospital? Nevermind.) School that just so fucking happens to be the Guardian Of The Gate Of Good Dreams. Yeah.

5. Dream Child - Alice (the main character from part 4) manages to kick Freddy Krueger's ass again to prevent him from possessing her unborn child. There is also a toddler Krueger in this one. Needless to say, this was the lowest grossing and worst reviewed of the series.

6. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - Considering the series had developed a protagonist powerful enough to kill Freddy twice in a row, there was only one thing to do in this one: fast-forward the timeline several years and forget she ever existed. Also, Freddy is no longer limited to Springwood or Elm Street. Also, Freddy is some sort of demigod based on a deal he made with a trio of demons. Also, Freddy has a daughter. Also, crappy 3-D. Also, Alice Cooper is his dad. Ok, that last one is pretty cool.

7. Wes Craven's New Nightmare - "Now check this out, man. This movie is about Freddy Kreuger, but not the monster Freddy Kreuger, the movie character Freddy Kreuger, which is coming to life and becoming a real-life monster Freddy Kreuger. And Robert Englund's in it, but he's playing himself, and get this, Freddy Krueger plays himself. And Freddy's attacking Heather Langencamp, who's also playing herself, but then she totally starts becoming Nancy as the movie progresses. And then they kill Freddy by trapping him in a fairy tale/movie script, and they even set him on fire all over again... Dude, are you gonna pass that joint or what?"

8. Freddy vs. Jason - Yep. That happens.

Michael Bay's Reboot

The Good: In the reboot, there appears to be a question of whether or not Freddy Krueger was actually guilty in the first place, adding another level of depth to the character. Plus, Jackie Earl Haley (Rorschach) is playing Freddy. We'd put that in all caps (because that's awesome) but...
The Bad: Michael Bay doesn't exactly have a track record of properly directing deep characters, and still has an arsenal of other ways to fuck this up, without even including robot testicles.
The Ugly: Rorschach's makeup appears to be designed to look more authentically like a burn victim. Eeew.