SUPERHERO REALITY FAIL

So, the idea is quite simple: Grab a hacked terminator time machine, take a specific version of a comic book character with all its powers and abilities then “transfer” them from their dimension to our reality's rules/logic/implications.

Stop looking at pixelated groins, keep reading to find out why...

Just The Facts

  1. RULE 1: Your character will be butt naked.
  2. RULE 2: Your character retains all powers and abilities with equivalent magnitude levels in our reality (like people farting underwater. Same farting powers but slightly changed by the environment).
  3. RULE 3: Your character's powers and abilities will interact with our reality, our physics and our logic. Most of the time, powers will work very, very well (a little *too well*) and sometimes some will work in bat- shit insane unexpected ways when mixed with our reality.
  4. RULE 4: You are reading this on cracked.com (akward silence) so do not expect us to make sense of every comic book logical fallacy fuck up (as if anybody could...)

SKYNET-BOOYAKASHA!



As we said, most of the time the superhero powers will work very well, (a little too well) and sometimes in completely insane, unexpected ways when mixed with our reality, imagine you are a superhero and you ate a burrito from a different dimension and then you went for a swim.



As unexpected as this but with superpowers



Imagine a majestic Nordic fart from Thor's godly blond rectum! The fart above would have vaporized the unsuspecting photographer! Exactly like an underwater Hiroshima! (oh, oh sublime destruction!).

So, now the concept must be clear: Different environment + mostly equivalent fucking insane powers = fucking up our world in unsuspected new ways.
That being said, we start this series with our green beloved mindless sociopathic brute:
Character: Ang Lee's Hulk*
Setting: Our reality Present day

*Why Ang Lee's Hulk: Because it is the closest to a real biological Hulk.
( Of course we discounted the the poodles, the daddy issues and the giant Hulk size fuck ups )



So we turn on the oversized terminator time machine we put the Hulk inside and

FFFZZZTTT! Skynetbooyakasha!

Butt-naked Hulk appears in the middle of a busy San Diego, California street!



Minute 1: The Hulk starts to "subtly" experience our reality's evil, evil influence...



Then you go: "Whaaaat? A naked Hulk? No purple pants?? Come on! My parents won't let me watch!"
Nope, the terminator time machine only transfers biological and polyalloy mass but does not teleport machines or magical purple clothing. (yes, we hacked it to displace objects across dimensions but magical clothing seemed to confuse the fuck out of Skynet, so we gave up after the 17th purple screen of death)


The right size for Hulk Pants: Bruce Bana could never wear them (with dignity)



Did Hulk's magical pants ever make sense to Marvel? Nah, Marvel got away with magical purple denim stories with children but those children grow up and there is a point you read and compare Bruce Banner's pant size and then the Hulk's and there is no way you could stretch a size 32 to size 80-120 (for fucks sake! That's well beyond morbidly obese human sizes! )
Even if Banner wanted to go "baggy" or "gangsta" he is never shown wearing XL pants that do not fit or has to drag around (just in case he has a green anger "incontinence incident").
Look at the photo, think about it, that would be the barely minimal right size, for the Hulk but not for Banner. But really, what kind of purple denim is sold in the Marvel Universe Wallmarts that is, universally stretchable, morphs color exactly when it "feels" Bruce Banner's mood swings, then, the same alien denim turns indestructible even when attacked with heavy artillery and bombs. How come it cannot combust? Why it doesn't even get pierced? Is Hulk's groin a forbidden target for soldiers? Do soldiers really have that kind of aim preferences? How come those soldiers don't ask and and don't tell where to shoot? Really? But, come on, really?

THE MAIN PROBLEMS WITH HULK'S MAGICAL PURPLE PANTS

-Magically Stretchable
-Magically Morphs to Purple
-Magically Indestructible
-Magically "Feels" Mood Swings

The name of the game is: "friendly kiddie censorship" because Stan Lee knew very well there was no way he could sell a single comic book starring a violent, retarded, unstoppable, radioactive streaker, instead, old Stan decided to sensibly pack the retardation, violence, sociopathic behavior and radioactivity in a neat pair of imaginary indestructible magical pants for all kids to enjoy.
(When I was 12 I used to say "it's just a comic book", but teens today just don't give a fuck about the vintage validity of that answer especially when they see plenty of multi-million dollar movies that make no sense, and the teens just tell you to fuck off when you tell them "it's just a movie"... oh kids these days...)

So, Stan Lee has been fooling around with us for quite some time.
(even to this day Marvel still silently gets away with it with many, many readers).
But not today! Today we rewrite useless history! We are going to imagine what Stan Lee's Hulk #1 would have been without magical pants and instead we use normal size real world clothing that tears, burns and has no fucking magical properties.





Real world clothing gives a previously innocent classic completely new meanings, so many implications... so many questions... hey!,
wait, why is puny Banner distracted?...Eeewww!!!)



Our Horrible, Horrible Reality: No Pants Trigger Murderous Tantrums


IT GETS UGLY, IMPULSIVELY UGLY

This is a horrible, horrible logical implication....how can I put this... a superpowerful radioactive monkey-brained brute WITHOUT ANY impulse control is likely to...wait we still have time to send him back to his dimension, we just have to do it before minute 1:30...oh crap...


TWO MINUTES INTO OUR REALITY




Minute 2: Long after the point of no return



Where were we? Oh yes! green hairy balls and looming genocide.
So electric bolts disrupt traffic, electrocute and mutilate a few bystanders, 2 dog walkers, 5 moving cars and one squirrel. Power goes out and a crater is made by the time travel singularity, the smokey Hulk appears in the middle of the traffic, nude, confused and thoroughly surrounded by noise and commotion.

Mhhh... I wonder what could happen when someone confused, primitive, naked, with no impulse control is suddenly surrounded by sources of stress...no, he does not yell "Monday Night RAW!" no, instead our IED disorder sufferer gets even more confused, first he moves to one side then a car hits him, the car is understood as aggression then the brute has two choices:

Option A: Gently Super jump to a calmer place (According to Marvel)
Option B: Go ape shit on everything (According to our crude, crude reality)


Pictured: Option A, The Noble Impulsive Brute and his Noble Nature
(Groin's Nature According to Marvel's Censored Fairy Tale Logic)
(Oh Marvel... that image does not "currently" give any peace to parents)


Let's enjoy 2 seconds of calm before the the monster makes up its mind...nah fuck it, (HULK not puny banner!!)


Hulk goes for option B: Go Apeshit. On everything. On everyone.
It would go something like this:

HULK GORY SMASH LITTLE SCHOOL BUS!
HULK GORY SMASH BARKING LITTLE DOG!!
HULK GORY SMASH ALL LITTLE YELLING PEOPLEEEEEEEEEE!!!
HULK GORY ***K MEN HERE AND HERE AND HERE!!!
HULK GORY ***K WOMEN HERE AND HERE AND HERE!!!
HULK GORY ***K ZOO ANIMALS HERE AND HERE!!!
HULK GORY EAT PEOPLE HE JUST ****ED! YUUUMMM!!!
HULK GORY EAT AND ***K DEAD ZOO ANIMALS YUUUMMMM!!! OAAAHH!!!
HULK GORY EAT TASTY YELLING PETA PEOPLE WITH SIGNSSSSSSS!!!

(*Note: The monster would have nothing personal against the PETA demonstrators, the Hulk would just happen to find them noisy then tasty but just not sexy at all)

So you get the idea... the Hulk has no impulse control (we've talked about people with poor impulse control before therefore he would be capable of anything a murderous caveman could, including rape, cannibalism and "flash genocide" by hand. All inspired by the power of his sexy radioactive hypothalamus.
To put it mildly the first 24 hours of having the Hulk in our world would be like having all the casualties of a civil war coupled with mass destruction, buildings collapsing everywhere with the resulting astronomical death toll and an even more gruesome rape toll with the added green cherry on top: the naked Hulk would be a moving dirty bomb (this time I meant "radiactive"...you dirty, dirty pervs) so radiation pollution of all attacked sites would be expected and years later lots of cancer cases. Yup, way worse than than the kind of hell we have talked about before.
So, the military would have to be brought in to contain the visible, vicious superpowerful murderer-rapist on the loose. Let's imagine you are the high rank military in charge of the operation, it is broad day light and the best you can do to control the hanging green elephant wang beast is to...throw your own daughter to the green gamma lions?


Option A: The gentle color of reality according to Ang Lee


Gimme a fucking break Ang fucking Lee! No single real world military leader would even think about throwing his own dog at the rapist brute, let alone a family member (not to mention what would happen to the poor dog..yeah...you got that right you twisted pervs...)
And forget about Jennifer Conelly reprising her decoy-decorative role in our reality, she may look dumb but nobody is that dumb.

Let's be honest truthful and real about what would really happen: This is Option B, our world,


Option B, Minute 15: Our sad, sad double espresso reality


Left: Ang Lee/Marvel's version of the Hulk's mind and sexuality
Right: Our reality's version of the Hulk's mind and sexuality



Nope, no laughable Jennifer Connely decoys would happen in our reality, what would instead happen is:

The army would try to clear the area and due to the state of emergency the US president would declare a "temporary" suspension of any or all of the fundamental rights for US citizens, which means as much damage control as possible through the means of suppression of free speech, widespread authorized police and military brutality and all the other glamorously sexy things a president is legally entitled to do. Think of the Hulk in our world as a mix of a walking series of mini Hirosima bombs immediately followed by Government enforced mass Tianan-men square-like witness supression (brought to you by your same old trusty government) What a mess...
So lets imagine the Hulk arrived 3 hours ago, you heard the rumours then you get home and eagerly turn on the TV to catch a morbid glimpse of your pantless childhood anti hero and all you get is


The Rise of the the Hulki-ban


Then you say "darn it! the same CNN crap again!" then you switch to FOX news and you get:


Pictured: Hordes of Illegal Tali-hulk Hurting America



Sooner or later you realize all other major news media just don't mention the Hulk, (of course you get many more Cyalis and insurance ads than the usual plus you hear more and more spoken reports on multiple terrorist attacks by Al Quaeda as the monster keeps jumping but you get nearly no video) You then remember what century you live in, you go to youtube and the viral videos are everywhere but then youtube servers suddenly go down, (if servers went down when Michael Jackson died, imagine with the Hulk) then you try other video sites to no avail and even the twitter fail whale is mysteriously present, (it's always there anyways but this time would be suspicious) then facebook is down too and then you are forced to go back to the old media TV which claims internet underwater cables were damaged by terrorists, (riiiiight...) but overseas, versions of the events change wildly. It goes without saying that disinformation takes many shapes.
Also, there is initial widespread media disbelief: Why would you report something that is supposed to be a myth? What if you become a laughing stock? (that's why CNN and Fox...forget it...) Many people just dismiss it as a bad movie trailer or perhaps...Let's think government style for a moment, maybe it would be easier to improvise and shut down as many media outlets as possible (and blame it on the Hulki-ban/Tali-Hulk Mexican illegal greenies and their war painted gangsta-afroamerican scuba divers who cut the cables with machetes).
Why would a government go to such lengths? It boils down to damage control and national security protocols. Governments do not like it when the media openly shows they can't get their act together, especially when a giant superpowered naked ape caught them with their pants down at home (figure of speech only, for all you pervs).



IT GETS DIRTIER

Then the delays oh, the delays. Even with fully well deployed satellites and alarm systems predicting weather behavior, Katrina hit the way it did and the army (a first-world army, one of the strongest on earth) was as late as ever and could not mobilize its green ass fast enough with several days of prior notice. Then, what chance would they stand about moving their slow green asses when *faced with the Hulk's bare radioactive abusive ass equivalent to a whooping 10 Katrinas per tantrum? They may try to follow the moody bastard as it jumps around killing people, but do not expect every location to receive the same help or any at all. Most likely the army's hands* would be full and something tells me the Hulk would not get his ass handled by a surprised disorganized army.

(*Note:"faced" and "hands" were not used lightly -insert homoerotic reference here- ...but don't ask, don't tell)



Adaptable strategies when facing the Hulk



Then based on this (the possibility of defeat on American soil, not the homoerotic implications) the army would face gigantic pressure to put down the brute at once. Yet, the Pentagon (in other words DARPA would see the Hulk as a weapon, as if anything new...) would try to through the army (at least initially) to disinform even more and to pin some of the death-rape toll on the terrorists, rioters and any other unsuspecting passer-by since, well, the Hulk would be a thoroughly well tested and extremely valuable WMD so throwing a a few citizens in jail mixed with already black listed political activists and no-fly people would be business as usual.
But mostly, there would be an incredible amount of secret pressure to sedate and capture the super brute and lie to the media by claiming it was shot dead. In a way, for some cold officials interested in the weapon, the destruction would be desirable. It would demonstrate how good the new potential weapon is. The longer the battle, the more interesting it would become, so, perhaps delaying the resolution with some disinformation would not be a bad idea. What would national security NOT tell the media to buy some "unfortunate" testing time on civilians? Mhhhh...That's right! irrevocably legalizing gay marriage, that always works! Even the amidst the attacks, even the Hulk would have a hard time driving attention away from gay marriage. Unfortunately the Hulk couldn't care less about relationships with strangers according his classic:


"HULK WANT TO BE ALONE!!"

Sadly for the Hulk...nope, that request does not work that well in our dimension either.





THE FANS, TERMINAL GROUPIES AND CLOSETED CASUALTIES

So you see the destruction, you do not think, you ARE SURE they are shooting a movie so you just stay there, hypnotized by the destruction from the fake safety of your casual first-row seat on the sidewalk (picture the ongoing disaster as one train wreck per minute) and you just morbidly stand there, saying to yourself "I wonder where they hired that many limbless extras...those prosthetics snap off so realistically" You just stand there, like a big shooting practice cardboard figure made of flesh waiting to be hit because it just doesn't ring the bell that destruction in reality is not harmless destruction at the movies. Then the huge naked "animatronic" leaps towards you, grabs you by one leg and...you do not want me to continue...( besides, I don't know what you are into.)
So all those frozen dummies would be mostly the occasional comic book geek, the bystanders then the closeted suicidal groupies...hang on, groupies?
Ok, ok , they do not like to be called groupies because it sounds too "guetto" instead they like to be called hybristophillic females/males (or just hybristophiles) just because they are "special" (ok, let's cut the crap, they are suicidal groupies, but don't tell them I told you) Those suicidal groupies would be the first row of onlookers/casualties just because they happened to be turned on by the graphic murder and disaster, and mostly by the naked Hulk himself, so yeah, there are people that actually get a hard on/lubricated while watching train wrecks or waiting for their own deaths at the hands of their sexy green executioner, whatever happens first (either way would be soooo hot for them).


Pictured: Fans 15 minutes after Hulk's arrival


Whaaaat? We shit you not! there have been suicidal groupies that follow serial killers for years, even more obsessively than the average rock star groupie, to the point of some of them becoming pen pals and marrying the serial killer fucker in jail. (lemme clarify, a female without criminal record marries a serial killer I-N J-A-I-L out of sheer wet fandom...and you thought the Hulk in our reality was fucked up...)
So, if a garden variety human serial killer turns them on, just imagine what a near invulnerable balls crazy naked psycopath would do to them.
It would be like a person that has a fetish with lizards and Godzilla is teleported to their dimension in the "flesh" then the Lizard-enthusiast immediately has a violent "geekgasmstroke-coma" without even having time for a boner/lubrication.
Fortunately, white supremacists would not celebrate the Hulk that much, mostly because green confuses the fuck out of them and in the end they they would be part of the casualties. But despite his behavior and retardation, the Hulk is not AS primitive and retarded as the white supremacists, not at all, the Hulk would not discriminate, he would just mass murder all ethnicities with equal democratic barbarism, that is why groupies from all walks of life would like witness the destruction as recklessly close as possible while clenching all sorts of sphincters.

Now we don't know if there are any hybristophillic comic book geeks that actually get turned on by comic book characters and spend hours editing articles and violent pictures on Photoshop for far more twisted people that will read those articles...? nah, that would be going too far, that would never happen.



SEDATIVES FAILED: BRING THE GREEN BRUTE DOWN

There is no way to put it mildly so here it goes:

Yes, the army would aim at the Hulk's eyes and testicles ;(

First, blinding the beast with bullets then blowing the big green balls off, then pierce the ocular walls all the way to the brain while the green bastard is rolling in pain or viceversa...whatever happens first. (eyeballs or greenballs, begger snipers can't be choosers in a state of national emergency...)
Don't believe me? Does the phrase "bull's eye!" ring the bell? Hunters have been bringing prey down the same way for thousands of years and if anything, soldiers are in many ways highly trained hunters, so yes, they would aim at for the eyeballs or testicleballs after thoroughly testing the other areas for a point of entry to damage the brain. Even the ear canal could work but a deaf beast is not as convenient as a blinded one and most likely the bullet would go in but not out.


You may say, "Why the Balls, why the eyes??? That is so barbaric! You should instead politely challenge him to a Chess match!"
Sadly, being mentally retarded, chess would not concern him in the slightest, besides he would refuse to dress for the occasion.


I know you are gonna say "Pointless violence!, the Hulk is near invulnerable, you should instead calmly hand him a grand master sudoku paperback..." we thought about it, but he does even keep count of the victims. Ayways, the reason for the target areas is that in Ang Lee's version Hulk does get hurt by sharpnel after a thermobaric explosion so the chest gash is a clear indication of the level of vulnerability and regeneration.


Pictured:A less than invulnerable Hulk,
if this happened to the chest, what would happen to the balls?



Oh, did we mention they would use tank piercing ammunition, thermobaric bombs and a few bunker busters

Like this one


Yes, all aimed at the balls...even if the Hulk survived the first strike during the second he would yell funny,
Do not believe me? have you ever read on an official Marvel comic SAYING THIS:



We haven't but If you have, please tell us where you buy you stash because we really want to re-read the red Hulk saga to see if it improves...only drugs could improve that derailment.


Why Marvel, Why? Homoerotic is not a surprise, but Red & Blue???



DIE HARD CELLS: THE FREAK "SURVIVES" THE FIRST WAVE


Lets say the Hulk is brought down and is kept in pieces only to "live" the rest of its days in continuous dissection to prevent him from rebuilding itself and to prevent the hordes of justified feminists from finding out the president secretly allowed pieces of a mass murderer rapist to be kept alive and upon finding out, the same feminists would make repeated civilized formal requests to have the president's balls on a silver plate as retribution.
However, the worst implication is not having a castrati as president, no, the worst implication would be that:

The Hulk may never die in our universe because the green fucker would just keep regenerating (well... his radiation hungry bastard cells would)

Another worrisome implication is not only that the government would get away with hiding the dismembered body, but how they would contain those cells from reassembling. Picture a corpse that can come back to life at any given point even if cut to pieces again and again.


Don't believe me?
If you think immortal cells are impossible, well I am not sorry to disappoint but something like that already exist in our reality, of course, they are human and HeLa cells don't have any powers besides mindlessly multiplying non-stop (please be polite don't call them "red-neck-cells". Unlike red-necks, these cells are very useful).

On top of that, radioactive resistant bacteria do really exist too (and happen to be as hard to kill as Chuck Norris on meth) plus imagine little fuckers that like fuck around, just playing Lego after notrmally lethal radiation induced death, wait, Lego? Yup, when exposed to high radiation doses those cells disassemble and then later on they reassemble (think of you stomping Lego cockroaches and they just play dead by crumbling to pieces then, when nobody is looking, they reassemble and get up to just frolic around and perhaps on occasion, crossdress as transformer female decepticons on fridays)
So most likely, those Hulk highly radioactivity-hungry cells would be much, much harder to kill than the Lego cockroach ones, because they would not just "tolerate" radiation, they would choke on it and overeat it like dairy queen.


Pictured: Hulk Cells in Relaxed Peaceful State



Imagine those Hulk cells as a mix of elephant-sized cockroach Lego cells+Chuck Norris+Bruce Willis' Die Hard all coupled with an addiction to radiactive crystal meth, coupled with the regenerating powers of Google which would prove be a "HeLa of a problem" to contain...and you thought the Tea Party was difficult to handle...)

Plus, there are many allusions in both Ang Lee's Hulk and the original comic books that claim the Hulk is a thorougly fucked up (besides Stan Lee's logical failure) artificial crossbreed involving protozoa, blowfish , starfish and all kinds of mammals (see? if you were the Hulk, you would be upset too with that many uncertain daddies)

But back to killing the Hulk pieces. So, the closest we would get to defeat him would be to disassemble him before the bastard grows again.
Why? well, that is why we mentioned the army wold stay away from nuking the Hulk with nuclear weapons because it would just make it stronger and more dangerous by feeding those completely batshit insane Norris-Diehard-Lego-elephantoroach cells on meth with what they crave: Radiation.
"Oh wait, how about starving his cells instead? that would be smarter..."
Are you really going to suggest the army just sits down until the green fucker runs out of radioactive batteries by killing and raping the population that actually feeds the army?
The army can gamble with a few thousand casualties but when you reach millions you are killing the goose that lays the golden eggs, (the ones all soldiers live from: tax paying civilians ).


So definitely, the Hulk's eyes and balls would be the army's top priority (oh reader, will you please stop the homoerotic jokes? we are trying to write a serious imaginary article here...)


Please?




THE END OF A SUPERHERO NIGHTMARE

Anyways, with enough luck and thermobaric bombs, it would all go like this:
Green rapist goliath loses his balls/is shot through the eyes, Green rapist goliath falls, more thermobaric blasts separate the head from the body, a big army truck picks up the pieces then the army copiously lies by saying the body was incinerated with thermobaric bombs that only dismembered the body.
After the resulting 3 year green recession-depression, all the dust settles.
And perhaps... just perhaps some of the cities would come back to some degree of normalcy. In the meantime a lot of Hulk attack site radiation-related cancer sufferers, victims' relatives and creationists start to sue Marvel's ass to the moon for invoking bad ideas and bringing the green Apocalypse too soon. Disney disbands and gets rid of Marvel like a fermented used diaper and fires all personnel. Stan Lee's family is placed in the witness protection program after a few menacing packages are received, they later on move overseas and still somehow manage to get fan mail asking when they will bring the red, grey, blue, and fucsia Hulks to reality too.
Needless to say superhero movies become as popular as beheading baby unicorns inside Peta Headquarters and smearing "TASTY MEAT" with their fresh flower-scented rainbow blood on each of their walls.
And of course, after one or two decades*, reports on radioactive hitmen in the middle east would all be.... just mass hallucination, you know, the kind of mass hysteria people have all the time. (*we say decades because we are being optimistic with the reverse engineering of a transdimensional radioactive undying freak, after all, we already have trouble cloning our own species or even simpler ones (we may as well interbreed with petunias in the meantime) Ahhh what a lovely ride...




COMIC BOOK MORAL HANGOVER

In hindsight, the original Hulk's pants were a clear indication of a very badly planned modern fairy tale that got worse through the years but when movies were planned, well, Marvel had the chance to mend the fuck ups. Instead, Ang Lee came on board and stuck to the cannon and it all became a fairy tale again.
So, congratulations! We just gave you a glimpse of the movie Ang Lee had nightmares about while in a deep drunken haze mixed with LSD but never dared pitch to any movie studios when sober.


VERISIMILAR HULK LIKE NIGHTMARE INSIDE ANG LEE...


In the meantime, the Hulk's magic pants implications will keep sailing over the heads of many teens, until they grow up, become overwight, deranged and start writing for/ reading cracked.com. Maybe one day superheroes will make more sense than badly conceived folk tales... until then:


Enjoy Marvel/DC modern fairy tales!