Religion is a touchy subject, everyone's entitled to their own faith, but selling salvation door to door is just low. The following is a guide on scaring away holy rollers (Jehovah's Witness, Mormons) when they come knocking on your door.
Keep a long black cloak and some red finger paint under your bathroom sink, when a Jehovas Witness knocks on your door invite them in kindly with a welcoming smile, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom briefly. It's time to put on your Satanist robe and use the finger paint to quickly paint up some pagan symbols you google image searched on your chest and forehead. If you wear glasses keep some red contacts handy.
When you walk out dressed like Aleister Crowley on a Saturday night just say in a very nonchalant tone "Sorry I'm summoning Anzanzu the sodomy demon in like fifteen minutes, how can I help you?"
Or if your good with make up and happen to have a really sweet drum set
After your terrified Mormon friends runs screaming out of your house you can kick back in your Satan-wear, have a root-beer and chuckle to yourself as you say "why do i do these ridiculous things for cheap laughs?"
Also if your an animal person, buy a goat, not only do you get a cute furry pal, you also get a hell of a laugh when you slaughter the goat in front of your door to door preacher/vacuum cleaners salesmen (really this could apply to anyone selling things door to door)
This one is a slightly more elaborate than the last and is great for people living with a room mate. Keep two authentic 15th century Indian Talwar swords in your home (one in a closet near your living room, one under your couch) and a very Assassin's Creed like costume in the closet with the sword. For months on end practice dueling your friend with these lethal weapons, this is good to do when you're bored, angry, or piss ass drunk. You must understand, this method of scaring people who want to impose their views on you is very intricate and takes month of careful and delicate planning, but proves to show some of the best results.
You know where this is going
Once again you welcome the religious fanatics into your home (this is a necessary step in most Mormon-scaring techniques). You sit down with them have a cup of tea and express much interest and enthusiasm in what they have to say, meanwhile your buddy is hiding in the closet behind you dressing up in his assassin outfit waiting to attack.
A few minutes into the painfully boring conversation you're having with you're Mormon friend, your pal will jump out of the closet screaming something along the lines of "I have come to avenge the death of my father!" Quickly draw your sword out from under the couch and begin dueling around the house, preferably close to the door ensuring nobody leaves.
This one is particularly risky seeing as how there's a very high chance someone is going to get hurt, but the upside is that it will be funny as hell and make for quite the interesting conversation at the water-cooler at work the next day.
I got these stab wounds sword fighting with a Mormon
When you sit down and really start to think about these annoying bastards the ideas just sort of flow. Some other ideas include:
Pretending to have split personalities: Go on about how you used to play for the Mets before saying that you've worked every single day of you're life at the steel mill. Talk about your mom being dead then excuse yourself because you have to call your mother. Typically saying insane things in general seems to work. Talk about the demon cats that haunt your underpants, wax philosophically about how sewer rats are one day going to take over the world.
Answer the door with an erection: If you're anything like me you can get an erection in fifteen seconds. Try to see how long you can hold a conversation about religion with a raging boner. If you're a woman we recommend the classic "nip-slip"
Lead me not into temptation oh Lord
Drug Use: Cracked.com does not condone or recommend the use of illegal drugs, plus if you pull out your crack pipe your Jehovah's Witness might just call the cops on you. Instead keeps something like flour or powdered sugar somewhere in your living room. Answer the door with powdered sugar around your nose and when you sit down to listen to the teachings of Joseph Smith start cutting up lines of Dominoes Sugar and offer your Godly friend one.
The list goes on and on. Some of your options are very circumstantial and left to your own wild imaginations. If you're a theater major and you speak a different language answer the door crying and screaming in a different language, if you go hunting show off your gun collection and don't exactly be specific about what you hunt.
Look some people might see this as wrong, intolerant, or morally objectifiable, but let's face it, selling your religion door to door is just low. Trying to impose your views on people in the privacy of their own homes is wrong. Look if you want to be a Mormon then whatever, do what you want, but if you come knocking on my door I'm probably going to stage a sword fight. And I mean besides that scaring people is just fun, I hide in my trashcan every day and scare my mailman, that guy hates me, but it's funny as hell, and in the end nothing I'm suggesting is really illegal.
Now go on, scare the Mormons.
Pictured: Spooky Mormon Castle in Utah, where the Mormons are currently plotting their revenge on Cracked.com