New Kids On The Block

New Kids On the Block were the worlds first 'real' boy band, who weren't afraid to pretend to be bad ass, and not succumb to the weakness of reality like those pussies from Wham!

Just The Facts

  1. New Kids on the Block sold more than 80 million albums, for some reason.
  2. New Kids on the Block formed in Boston.
  3. Badass; New Kids on the Block released a christmas album- Merry, Merry Christmas.

New Kids on a Cock.

Early on there was Elvis and The Beatles, then for a long time nothing happened. Until of course, NewKidOnTheBlockMania, swept the nation, and indeed the world.

Soon enough the popular mind forgot the legendary acheivments, talent and utter respectability of the King and the Fab Four in favour of a more girlish and camp approach, New Kids on the Block.

Formed in the crux of 80's absurdity, New Kids were bound together of a mutual love of white rap, fake badassery and chewing up resources for more talented unsigned acts. Donnie Wahlberg (the less remarkable of the already unremarkable Wahlberg Brothers) started the group after Maurice Starr (whos obviously greater acheivment was New Edition) became interested in his rapping abilities. Proving that the Irish are more than just dudes who get wasted and pissed off at the English, they apparently demand some wussey level of street cred.

Donnie drafted younger brother Mark into this nightmare, followed by other pointless Bostonians; Danny Wood and brothers Jordan and Jonathan McKnight. Mark was pissed at the fact he was in a group of obvious future gay icons and left to form the infinitely more gangster, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

After some fucking travesty the group managed to hustle a recording deal (no doubt through some kind of water-pistol hostage negotiation) and made a self-titled debut album. For the first year or two, no-one gave a fuck about the 'Kids; thats probably how it should have stayed.

But with the second album "Hangin Tough", their fame sky-rocketed, mostly due to school girls dreaming of Donnie and the boys roaring up on their vespas, faux leather jackets and scarves in tow and taking them out to lunch for a high-protein-low-fat-super-smoothy and extended periods of edgy hand-holding.

By the next album, Step by Step, everyone was jonesing on the New Kids. The album was unique in that the members had actuality written some of their own songs. It didn't make their music any more profound or meaningful, die hard fans argued "how could they get more profound and meaningful", while the rest of us had shotguns in our mouths, praying that they wouldnt get cocky and sing naturally on the next record.

After the Milla-Vanilli lip synching scandal it was only natural NKOTB would be the next accused. No-one was particularly shocked, except the group themselves who figured they might be found out as a bunch of Irish dudes with no talent to speak of.

Face The Music, was a total non-event. Shortly after Jonathan McKnight realised he was and always had been a pussy and left the group, the others came to the realisation that as a four piece, they could easily loose a bar-fight to a blind drunk preschooler with a bad case of the sniffels and disbanded. The phenomenon was over, and scores of abused eardrums were praising the silence.

In 2007 the band had come to the conclusion none of them had worthwhile careers (or careers at all) or lives and decided to reform. They had lost their boyband appeal and were now a manband. Given that New Men on the Block sounded as gay and creepy as Old Men on the Block, they decided to go by their original title. The reunion has failed thus far, and while Marky Mark enjoys something of a stellar career, older brother Donnie clings to the faded limelight. The final word has to be left to the mind behind the myth, Donnie, who apparently has come to believe the lie:

I go wild on a stage. Some folks have measured us an image. They pretend us to be saints. And that image is much tougher to keep up with. Because that's not who we are.
Donnie Wahlberg.