Facebook Bios

Facebook bios are a little window into your personality, is yours a clean open inviting window or one closed firmly with iron bars and a machine gun turret.

Yeah Its all exactly like this.

Just The Facts

  1. Be sure to use good grammer and spelling if you want people to respect you.
  2. Give people a good first impression and be nice in your bio.
  3. No one cares about the above rules since everyone just looks at your profile picture.

So what should I say?

This is a tough one, how do you describe and sell yourself in only a few sentences to complete strangers. This is the question many a Facebooker has pondered over the last few years and there are in fact a few sure fire ways to give your bio an edge or make people avoid the hell out of you.

Get creative

Everyone can put their name and what they're interested in but who the hell wants to read that, a real creative person will put what their name should be and what they want to be interested in.

Example:

Hi my name is Captain Awesome Jones Shufflebottom, I'm named after my uncle the famous bounty hunter, you won't have heard of him since all evidence of his work was covered up during the cold war. All my friends call me Steven because its easier. In my spare time I enjoy the touch of women which goes hand in hand with my career as a porn star under the name Rodzilla.

Get sarcastic

You know people aren't going to read your bio since your picture is of you on a night out being drunk, who the fuck doesn't want to be friends with that. You want to make sure anyone who actually reads your profile thinks wow that guys funny, until they meet you in real life and figure out your just a douche.

Example:

Why the hell are you reading this? my name is Jackie Chan and I beat up people like all the time kicking ass is only secondary to my job of setting myself on fire. Some people like playing games and socialising I prefer to spend my time crushing ice failing that I usually like racing my fish, since I have only one fish it's never a suprising result except for when I won. Add me or don't add me I don't care since I just wasted a minute of your time.

Get sexy

Your hot and you know it, people reading your profile need to know that your are the fucking bomb and that you are one of the sexiest people on Facebook and your heavily photoshopped, shot from above profile picture proves it.

Example:

Hey ladies rememeber the name above, you will be screaming it later. I spend all my time hanging out with the guys, drinking and loving the ladies. Yes I'm single send me a message if you wanna buy me a drink and we'll see where it goes, usually thats the bedroom. Add me ladies!

Get lazy

Why would you spend the time and effort trying to articulate your feelings into words when there are plenty of song lyrics you can just copy and paste into your bio that show who you are perfectly.

Example:

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

Will people judge me based on it?

The short answer is hell fucking no, people are far more shallow than that and are more likely to judge you based upon your profile picture. So for the fairer sex you have it pretty easy, anything showing a bit of clevage, a nice smile or even a face (it is the internet after all).

This internet sounds pretty desperate to me

For guys it's a little different if the picture involves any of the following:

Pointing at the camera

A popped collar

Beer in a plastic cup

Then chances are all your friends probably have exactly the same kinds of profile pictures, isn't that weird?

Number one result when you search douchbags, the internet is so wise

In the end the people you should be friending on Facebook should be people you already know, if you have to rely on a tiny little blurb and a profile picture to make friends, then the author of these piece would be swimming in friend requests right about now.