Batman And Robin (comic)

Batman and Robin is a 2009 comic book created by Grant Morrison, starring Batman and Robin. Although it has a new Dynamic Duo, classic elements remain, such as Batman wearing his underpants outside his pants.

An ideal Batman and Robin storyline, as written by a Cracked reader.

The new Batman and Robin in the storyline 'Beating the Gas Attendant Senseless for Free Gas'.

Just The Facts

  1. Batman and Robin is a comic book by Grant Morrison, released in 2009 and published by DC Comics, where a new Batman and Robin team up after Classic Batman goes missing.
  2. The new Batman is Dick Grayson, who once wore a costume with exposed underpants (Robin) to a costume without exposed underpants (Nightwing) and back to exposed underpants (Batman).
  3. The new Robin is Damian Wayne, who aside from having the benefit of being the first Robin without underpants exposed, is kind of a total douche.

Wait, what happened to Classic Batman?

At the beginning of Batman and Robin, Classic Batman, aka Bruce Wayne, was a bit preoccupied at the moment, by way of being deceased. Batman supposedly garnered the ultimate No-Fat Diet after shooting a DC Comics supervillain named Darkseid with a god-killing bullet. Darkseid,perhaps powered by the fury of being born with a wrongly-spelled name, blasts Batman with the badass-named Omega Sanction. Batman was converted into Jack Skellington before he even knew what hit him.

"Weight Watchers - not a diet, it's a healthy way to live!"

When word spread that Batman died, his four sons, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and Damian Wayne, had to decide who would replace him. Like some intense, murderous, Batmanized version of an inheritance hearing discussion, Jason Todd (the second son, who died and returned as a vigilante called the Red Hood) decided to dress as Batman and kill anyone who gets in his way. Which, apparently, was everyone.

Tim Drake, the third son, decided to fight Jason while wearing his own Batman costume. As with regular fights between brothers, Tim gets his ass handed to him before being left for dead by Jason. Dick Grayson (a name too easy to make a dick joke out of, so we're not going to), Nightwing, decided that enough was enough and fights Jason - again, just like squabbles between siblings. However, we have to admit that our fraternal disputes never ended with one brother kicking the other off the roof of a train and into a river. Most of the time.

"I'm telling Mooooooooom!"

Dick (still trying not to make a joke about that name) soon takes the Mantle of the Bat, and makes Damian Wayne Robin.

On the New Batman and Robin

The new Batman and Robin's teamwork heads off to a rocky start at the beginning of the series, although they do get better, just like your typical good-cop-bad-cop routine (but with a sweet flying Batmobile). First, Batman has to deal with firing Tim Drake, who held the Robin codename before Damian. He leaves Wayne Manor, believing that Bruce Wayne is still alive. Drake then takes on the identity of Red Robin, because he's not bitter about not being Robin anymore.

Oh, not at all.

Most of the arguments between Batman and Robin come from the new protege being a total jerkwad. Damian Wayne is the son of Batman and the daughter of Batman's enemy Ra's Al Ghul, which makes him comics universe royalty. Naturally, this in effect makes him an arrogant spoiled brat.

Throughout the series, Damian Wayne proves to be so condescending of his fellow man (and Batman) that you could kidnap Simon Cowell, put him in a Robin costume and compare it with this guy, and you'd get nothing but a Temporary Restraining Order from Simon Cowell.

Look at him. Even he thinks you're a terrible kidnapper.

Lastly, Dick (must...not...make...dick joke...) Grayson also has to deal with himself assuming the identity of Batman. Sources assume that this must come from the psychological trauma of having to wear a cape and pointy-headed cowl.

You dress up as a flying goddamn rat, Richard. Cheer up.

Villains

Batman and Robin continues the time-honored legacy of featuring creepy-ass villains by introducing new enemies. Like the old comics, these enemies have quirky monikers describing their costumes. Unlike the old comics, Professor Pyg.

That'll do, Pyg. That. Will. Freaking. Do.

The following is a rundown of the villains Batman and Robin have faced in the comic, and why they each are god-awful in their own special way:

Professor Pyg - Professor Pyg is a deranged surgeon whose dream is to make people perfect. "Perfect" being defined as "destroying people's faces, replacing them with dollfaces, and turning them into mindless zombies". He totally did not think this through. In addition, he creates a virus that causes people to become violent super-junkies. Oh, and this:

Oh, I can see you'reOHMYGODOHMYGODWHYAREMYEYESNOTBLIND?

Red Hood and Scarlet - Proving once and for all that bell jars are not a hindrance to being a supervillain, Jason Todd once again takes the title of the Red Hood and attempts to fight crime like a la Travis Bickle by turning all of Gotham's supervillains into freshly baked dead.

What we're saying is he totally killed them. In a costume with a Charmander logo.

This time around, he has an ally named Scarlet, who was a victim of Professor Pyg. Naturally, Batman and Robin don't dig no posers to their shtick, and ass-kicking ensues.

Flamingo - Flamingo was a man who fought crime until he was driven mad. In Batman and Robin he is a serial killer who eats faces like they had expiration dates, and is tasked to assassinate the Red Hood. Aside from dressing up like Napoleon Bonaparte during an all-male orgy, Flamingo also holds the proud distinction of being one of the few super-villains named after something you would put in your lawn.

Cue 'YMCA' opening strains.

Deathstroke - Although his name might sound like some necrophiliac fetish, Slade Wilson, aka Deathstroke, is one badass assassin. (Try saying 'badass assassin' ten times.) He manages to get control of Robin's body and mess Batman up before he is electrocuted and sent to a hospital ward. So, in the series, not a badass assassin.

And how is your room this morning, (chortle) "Badass Assassin"?

Oberon Sexton - A mysterious character wearing a full face mask and the most prissy top hat this side of the Ford's Theatre. Oberon Sexton was a British mystery writer who seems connected to Batman and Robin and is - long story short, Oberon Sexton is the Joker.

You spoiling bastard!

Doctor Hurt - Depending on who you talk to, the name "Doctor Hurt" can either be totally badass or totally lame. The name can be taken by some tough, chainsaw-wielding medical practitioner, yelling, "My schedule shows you have an appointment....with my chainsaw!" Or you could run it through a real jerk of a person and he might say, "Ooooh, Doctor Hurt, I'm so scared! Why don't you call your backup, Professor Shame!"

Batman and Robin's Doctor Hurt is a mysterious doctor who always seems to want to screw things up for Batman and Bruce Wayne. In this series, we see him shoot Batman in the head, mastermind the spread of a an addictive virus in Gotham City, dress up as a bat-themed pimp, and generally be a prick.

What part of that get-up does not say "Total Prick?"

Story

Batman Reborn - The new Batman and Robin fight crime for the first time. Robin bitches about not being able to torture the shit out of people, and runs away. It becomes apparent to the reader that the word 'bitch' has become a part of Robin's legacy as wearing a domino mask (either being a little bitch, i.e. Robin the First; or bitching about his problems, i.e. Robin the Fifth). Meanwhile Professor Pyg plans to turn everyone into Raggedy Ann zombies, and almost turns Robin into one when Batman saves him.

Revenge of the Red Hood - The Red Hood saves some girl (whom he creatively names Scarlet) and tries to replace Batman and Robin. When he causes too much trouble, the Flamingo is sent to kill him, and Batman and Robin have to save his sorry, bell-jar wearing ass. Robin gets shot in the back and his mother, Talia Al Ghul, comes to get him. Red Hood then suggests taking Classic Skeleton Batman and bringing him to life.

Blackest Knight - Because taking advice from a murderous lunatic is always a good thing (we have our personal hobo for this sole purpose), Batman takes Classic Batman's skeleton to a Lazarus Pit (which brings people to life). Instead a Zombie Clone Batman rises up and tries to kill Robin before Batman stops it. They then find out that Bruce Wayne is alive.

Are you or are you not going to stop spoiling the story? Ever heard of a summary?

Batman vs. Robin - Sick of having bizarre shit happen to him in the past issues, Robin tries to kill Batman. It is revealed that Robin is being controlled by Deathstroke, through a device put into him by his mother (because that sort of thing happens when mothers and sons argue - we've all been there). Thus, bizarre shit happens to Robin again. Batman then breaks Robin free of his mom's control and messes Deathstroke up. He then finds out that Oberon Sexton, (some guy who was helping them) is the Joker. Spoiler!

Noble Spoiler Police, you have your orders. Hunt down that bastard.