Lesbian Myths

Every lesbian just wants a guy to show her the ropes because she's been hiding behind cunninglingus for so long, right? Think again. Here are the top four lesbian myths that will instantly kill your boner.

the only meat she wants is a sausage followed by scrambled eggs.

what can make this pillowfight even better? getting hit in the face with a scrotum!

Just The Facts

  1. In 1953, Alfred Kinsey's Sexual Behavior in the Human Female noted that, over the previous five years of sexual activity, 78% of women had orgasms in 60% to 100% of sexual encounters with other women, compared with 55% for heterosexual sex.
  2. 4 Research shows that the top fantasies for guys includes "sex with two women" as #4, but for women, having sex with a group of guys isn't even on the list (but having sex with another woman is #3.)
  3. Lesbian bed death tells us that lesbians have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts.
  4. According to this article lesbians are more likely to prefer sports and the military and are attracted to those opposite of their gender spectrum.

1. The way to cure lesbianism is orgasm with penis.

What Men Think: Behind every little lesbo, there's a freaky girl that's down for a roll in the hay with a guy. You can't deny it til you try it!

What the Reality Is: Attempting to tell a woman what she will and will not like with no former experience is equivalent to having the following conversation:

"So, have you ever eaten cat shit?"

"Um, no, that would be disgusting."

"WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY IT?"

Fortunately for most women, they are capable of being able to determine the emotional outcome of a specific behavior without having to go through it. Like, knowing you won't like getting punched in the neck by a midget without having to go through it. If a girl knows she's not going to like having sex with guy, she's probably right; it's all based on emotions, right? Not just so. In 1953, Alfred Kinsey's Sexual Behavior in the Human Female noted that, over the previous five years of sexual activity, 78% of women had orgasms in 60% to 100% of sexual encounters with other women, compared with 55% for heterosexual sex. Sally has a better chance getting off with Susan than with you, you sad Dick. Just because the word lesbianism sounds like a disease, doesn't mean you have a penicillin prick. Women know what feels good to women, so it's easier to achieve orgasm.

2. How do we make two lesbians even hotter? Add a penis.

What Men Think: Picture this: Two blonde, busty swedish girls decked out in their scantily clad lederhosen are about to get it on in a hot tub filled with Swiss Miss. The only ingredient that's missing is you, stud.

What the Reality Is: First off, based on the first section, Sally has a better chance getting off with Susan in the first place. Why on earth would she want to cut her chance in half by introducing a third, non-clammed party into the mix? Unfortunately, porn portrays all girls in groups who randomly make out with each other as sex crazed fiends just DYING with anticipation that a guy will walk in to truly get the party started. Instead of a party blower it's Ron's schlong they're tooting. Women are actually thinking the exact opposite. They want to see Susan's hot cousin Christine.http://www.thirdage.com/menopause/top-10-sex-fantasies-for-men-women?page=0,4 The previous research shows that the top fantasies for guys includes "sex with two women" in the #4 spot, but for women, having sex with a group of guys isn't even on the list (but having sex with another woman ranks at #3.) Sorry again, Paul, according to the list she would rather be bound and asphixiated by a stranger than be added in your sexual equation of awesomeness.

3. If they aren't having sex with my penis, they're doing each other constantly....right?

What Men Think: Alright, they strictly munch carpet...I get it. It must be a morning, noon and night buffet in the bedroom. How do they even have time for grocery shopping?

What the Reality Is: The intercourse average for people entering the new stages of a relationship is about 5-9 times a week. The phrase "complete bone-fest" is appropriate here. Complacency is normal in any long withstanding relationship, as well as the less frequent love-making sessions. Imagine a woman (whose hormones are already less driven than males) who is in a secured relationship with a woman. You would be suprised at the amount of cobwebs that can accumulate in a skirts of the now coupled Susan and Sally. This phenomenon is called lesbian bed death and it will cripple any notion of your porn fantasy down to a Steven Hawking's ability of a chubby. According to Schwartz, lesbians have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts. Instead of sex, they would rather do their taxes. Sit around and fantasize about that for a while.

4. I only support gay rights if both chicks are hot. Making my penis go BOO-IING.

What Men Think: So, if they aren't constantly muff-diving, at least a Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried make out session is due to me in my dreams.

What the Reality Is: You see that 300lb dyke over there by the bar who looks like she ate Eminem and stole his peroxide haircut from the late 90's? Dude, she's the one banging the hottie that just rejected you. The one that is out of your league, even if she didn't bat for the other team. The historic norm suggests that most femme and butch woman are ideally attracted to each other in a lesbian relationship in terms that are analogous to a heterosexual relationship, with butch representing the traditionally male role and femme the traditional female role. Stop that thought, I already know what you're thinking.

"What's the point of dating a girl if she just looks like an imitation man?"

That's the thing, the fixtures may look different, but the plumbing is the same. Just because Sally dressed like Stan, her emotional connection with Susan is still that of a woman-on-woman level. Women are more in-tuned to another senses because communication isn't as problematic as it is with guys. It's because of your pride that chicks like Erin Andrews is doing it with girls, not because of your penis. And yes, your penis is in the way as well. Being a lesbian myself with a femme on femme bias, is another story though.

So, now that I literally killed every one of your lesbian driven fantasties piloted by Angelina Jolie and Katy Perry, think about this before you whack off: Right now, there is a girl, that looks like a guy, screwing a girl hotter than you could probably pull in your lifetime (only if they aren't doing laundry instead.) Happy jerking!