Seven Deadly Sins And The SIns That'll Save You From Them

We're sure you already know what each Deadly Sin means (Hint: it's in their names) so we're not going to waste your time explaining the definitions. You have more important things to do.

For instance...

Just The Facts

  1. They meant you were going to hell.
  2. They meant you were probably going to be shunned by your neighbour and his/her cat.
  3. They smelled funny when left in the sun for too long. (Don't ask...)

1. Lust

Why is it so much more common now than back in the day?

Serious sexy going on here.
Serious sexy going on here, fo realz.

That's about as much skin as you were allowed to show in public unless you were being crucified, and even then it was iffy. Today's society is much more open with it's sexuality,


Among other things...

Some people are turned on by grandma in curtains, but thankfully not too many. As far as we know, it's just this guy --> (tinyurl.com/323lkh3/ ). For the rest of us, with such a huge increase of nearly completely unsupervised, anonymous sharing of thoughts and ideas on the internet, there's pretty much no way to stop the pheramones. Right now you can see a million different videos of people having sex just by typing a few key letters into any search engine available. But if you do that now, dear addict, you won't be able to finish the article. There's no way to get rid of sites like that, even if people wanted to. Recognition software only works on a few sites, and even those are fooled by sombreros (Seriously --> http://tinyurl.com/3yxaqn6). The point is, nobody can stop it anymore, and there are only consequences if you display it in front of people. It's essentially like saying Krispy Kreme's will only make you fat if other people see you eating them, and having it be totally true.

Punishment:

You spin around in a giant hurricane full of other lusty people. Honestly that isn't too bad, considering that it is filled with some of the sexiest people who ever lived. (Every pornstar since ever). If you can organize it just right, you're in for a giant zero-gravity orgy, which... hold on... that can't be right.


Now we're suffering!

Treatment:

Envy

If being lustful consists of occasionally waving your penis at the mail-lady, porn-ing the hell out of your computer, shouting things at women (even ugly ones) as you drive by in your shitty oldsmobile, or going to nude beaches for any other reason than working on your tan, what if you were suddenly aware of your image in mid-swing? Your pants would be back on, just like that. Like magic.

Or what if you were too envious of someone who actually had a good body, which made you realize you don't belong in the Red Light District? Yeah the internet would still be good, but it only highlights the fact you can't touch any of those girls you paid to get on the webcam, the same ones you gave an extra two dollars to as charity for the "Fucking take it off already" organization. This might be a bit depressing, but we're trying to help you out a bit bucko, bite the bullet. The worst is partially over.

2. Gluttony


Hey there sexy-pants

Why is it so much more common now than back in the day?

Two words. Processed. Foods. They're easy to make in large quantities, easy to distribute in said quantities, and taste just enough like whatever they're selling it as to be marketable. That combined with good old fashioned American "Ingenuity(tiny.cc/w0oua )" makes it tough for anyone to not go overboard. To be fair, Aquinas was kind of a dick when it came to this one, expanding the sin of gluttony to include things like this, directly quoted from Wikipedia, obviously the most reliable source of information on the internet:

  • "Praepropere - eating too soon.
  • Laute - eating too expensively.
  • Nimis - eating too much.
  • Ardenter - eating too eagerly (burningly).
  • Studiose - eating too daintily (keenly).
  • Forente - eating wildly (boringly)"

Did you catch those last two? Eating "daintily" and eating "boringly". If you are a pussy while eating, you're a glutton. If you dont pizazz the hell out of that burrito, you're a glutton. If you want to take the hard route of not committing this sin in the first place, might I recommend opening a home theater, which features you eating a MANwich while you dance.

Punishment:

How much do you like the taste of trash? We really hope your answer is somewhere between "I can stomach it", and "I was a pig in a past life", because you'll be eating a lot of it. Literally, it's like a mouth party of discarded muck, sitting in a huge pile with every one of your friends around it. Right now you're probably thinking, "Yeah, well what if I just don't eat it?" Sorry to burst your bubble, but Dante thought about that. Actually... he didn't. We couldn't find a single stanza that said anything about what happens if you just refuse to eat the refuse, so feel free to try it when you get there. But keep in mind that if you try to run away, Cerberus (That three headed dog you saw in Disney's movie Hercules) will come and bite your head of-... wait... no... he just slobbers on you until you go back. Presumably this is your only source of water.


Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Treatment:

Pride.

Seriously, if you care enough about your image, you won't be seen cramming a Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger into your face as fast and as hard as you possibly can, sugary grease dribbling down your fingers while a chorus of starving african children watch in horror from outside the restaurant window.

.

You need to get some respeck fo yoself


3. Greed

Why is it so much more common now than back in the day?

Unless you live in a third world country, which probably means you aren't reading this article, at any given time you can have all of your basic needs met. Even if you're homeless you can go to a shelter or soup kitchen and prop up a box outside. From there it's all about things, and how much of these 'things' you want to try to get your greasy hands on.


Tell me I'm wrong.

.

Punishment:

You and all the other greedy people stand in a big circle rolling boulders around at eachother, and every time two bouders hit eachother, they split into four. Presumably there are a couple people stuck to the boulders, like in some kind of fleshy avalanche, but Dante really doesn't go into that much detail.


Despite it's name, the Divine Comedy wasn't that funny.

Treatment:

A healthy dose of Sloth would be a good stunt to any real dream of over-accumulation. Really, so long as you're comfortable, what more could you need?


Fuck it, I've conquered enough world.

4. Sloth

The clock rings at 8.am on Saturday morning. There's an entire slew of things you're supposed to do (furnish the deck, polish the doorknobs, pick up the magazines that are stuck to the floor, free your girlfriend from that dark magician that has captured her again). Fuck it. Fuck all of it. Your hands make friends with the snooze button, again and again and again, but before it has it's fill of contact, it's past noon. Well, it's too late now to do much of anything, better just take this day, and every other one like it until someone forces you to do something again.


Finish. The. Fucking. Memo.

Why is it so much more common now than it was back in the day?

When we talked about greed, we scratched the surface of this one too, like some kind of sinful-butt-scratcher. But now people don't have to deal with eachother. Right now you can probably think of a dozen things you should be doing, and forty excuses not to do each one. Way back before the invention of the car (wayy, way back) you had to do specific things to keep your family alive. If you didn't work, you didn't eat.


Slacker.

Punishment:

Unfortunately for you, Dante included the Sloth with the Sullen. This means you get to be treated to an eternal spa buried in the swampy areas of Styx, listening to people moan and complain about how unfair their lives were and continue to be.


Forever and ever and ever...

Treatment:

Pretty much any of the other sins would be motivation to do something. Might we recommend unleashing some wrath on that dark lord that stole your girl?


Hell. Yes.

Which brings us to...

5. Wrath


You. Will. Pay.

Why is it so much more common now than it was back in the day?

Well... really... it's not. People have always wanted to kill eachother, it's just that now we're better at doing it with minimal effort.


All she has to do is walk on stage.

Punishment:

Every wrathful person is put into a mud pit, and forced to wrestle. You read that right (tinyurl.com/24ess3h). Now, to be fair, Dante does describe them as being extremely pissed off all the time, but if you ignore the rabies, you're basically just mud-wrestling a bunch of people that like to play rough.


Jackpot.

Treatment:

Sloth is your friend. In fact, Gluttony wouldn't be too bad either.
"Aren't you mad at Johnny for that thing he did?"
"I was, but I'm suddenly too lazy and hungry in that order to care".

6. Envy

Just to clarify here for a minute. When it comes to envy, we're talking about having all of your own needs met, but still thinking all of someone else's good fortunes should belong to you. We understand that with the recession, more people are out of jobs now than they have been in a long time, while people like Bill Gates live in splendor. Alas, that isn't our fight.


Pictured: Splendor.

Why is it so much more common now than back in the day?

Back in the day you were considered to be well off if your windows had blankets covering the gaping holes in the walls that, unless you lived in a city or with your family, you started building yourself when you were thirteen. If you ran out of food, you either stole it or you starved to death. If your house burned down, fell down, or some asshole wolf blew it down, you were pretty much screwed unless you could pay to fix it, or had a lot of family to help rebuild.


Family is like slaves with benefits.

Punishment:

Hopefully you don't like your eyes very much, because they're about to be sewn shut. Also, you are going to be wearing some really shitty clothes that look just like the ground. Of course, that doesn't sound too bad. Since everyone around you will also have their eyes sewn shut like an army of voodoo dolls, nobody is going to be able to not-be-able to tell the difference between you and the ground until Virgil points out how hard it is to tell the difference between you and the ground to some random poet who will write about it later.


Worst Halloween costume ever..

Treatment:

Pride and Wrath.

Who says you need that thing your neighbor has? What you have is hell and a half better, even if what you have is outdated, itchy, and attracts sick cats. At least yours is original damn it!

7. Pride

You're the most badass person in town, you can do anything when you put your mind to it. That includes being more awesome than the other people who are putting their minds to being more awesome than you!


I think I can, I think I can..

Why is it so much more common now than back in the day?

It's almost necessary to have an elevated sense of self-importance these days if you're going to stay out of an alcoholic depression. Keep in mind that back in the day, you were pretty much the only person like yourself for miles, and the shop you ran or fields you tilled wouldn't get run or tilled without you being there. Not so today, if you up and left your position, there'd be somebody new in your spot before the week was out. There's nothing wrong with having self-esteem, but there's a limit, so all of those people you think you're better than might actually be better than you.


Remember me, asshole?

Punishment:

You're in luck... kind of. There is no specific punishment for the proud in the Inferno, something about pride being "associated with the whole of hell, being Lucifer's sin for which he fell from heaven"(tinyurl.com/27wq82o).
That makes this one hell (pun intended) of a gamble. You could wind up anywhere depending on how you lived your life, but you'll end up there all the same.


Do you feel lucky? Punk?

Treatment:

It takes a couple of the other sins to take down Pride.
Gluttony comes into play to give you less to be proud about.
Sloth shows up to make you care less about stupid shit.
Envy and Greed remind you that there's always more out there that you don't own, and what's so great about your shitty escalade when the guy down the street has a golden Porsche?


Nice Escalade, hahaha.

Either that, or your embrace of Wrath will successfully remove everything in your home/lawn/office/car/pants worth being prideful about. That's the real reason why you can't have nice things.

Conclusion:

It takes one hell of a balancing act, but a normal person isn't a person who is lacking from every fault, but rather a symphony of bad notes that create something worth listening to. A person without problems is a person without personality, or Bill Gates. But seriously, fuck Bill Gates, his biggest worry is where his next diamond encrusted hat is coming from (citation needed)


They don't sell this shit on Ebay.