Waffle House

Waffle House is home of cheap coffee, cheap women, and the lowest ratio of working bathrooms in the continental United States.

There is not a single Waffle House sign on the planet that looks less dingy than this.

Just The Facts

  1. Waffle House was founded in 1955.
  2. There are over 1600 locations in 25 states.
  3. It's the favorite place of the social outcast kids who got kicked out of Village Inn.
  4. Every Waffle House has at least 30 years worth of grime inside it, even if it's only two years old.

Waffle House: a Greasy History

Waffle House got its start in Georgia. Keeping in tradition, all Waffle Houses keep their interiors at normal Georgia temperatures, which means 99 degrees Fahrenheit and 110% humidity, even the ones in Colorado.

Waffle House (or "Waffle Homes", in the plural form) also sells 2% of the eggs consumed in the United States. Considering Waffle House is patronized by truckers 78% of the time, simple math tells us that the average trucker eats 41,000 eggs a year.

Recently, Waffle House began providing candlelit dinners on Valentine's Day, which is such a depressing thought that we can't even make a joke about it. That's like getting married at Wal-Mart. (ed. note: we do not mean to offend any readers who may have enjoyed their blessed nuptials at Wal-Mart. Mazel tov.)

Waffle House: the People

This is the happiest any employee of a Waffle House has ever looked.

Waffle House serves a wide array of customers, all of which can be found on Discovery Channels shows about hoarding, having a gigantic tumor, or owning too many cats.

THE OLD COUPLE

If you're there at noon, they're there for dinner. If you're there at two in the morning, they're there for breakfast. No matter what, they're ordering a meal that is inappropriate for the time of day. Both of them will be eating grits, both will be drinking juice, and neither will say a word to the other. If either of them picks a song on the jukebox, beware - they are only disguised as old people.

THE STONED/BROKE COLLEGE KIDS

Two similar species, yet different breeds. If they're stoners, they'll order at least four waffles each, and say "waffle" at least fourteen times during their order, in between giggles. If they're broke, they will order nothing but coffee and have at least fourteen cups each (thank the coffee gods for free refills). Either way, they'll be there for at least six hours and discuss Bob Marley at least once.

THE TRUCKER

Will always be sitting at the bar, chatting up the waitress (note: this is not the case if the waitress's first language is not English). While their eating habits may vary, you can bet they will, at least once, complain about politicians that have not been in office for over three years.

THE ROAD TRIP FAMILY

A more common sight in the summer, the road trip family is without a doubt the most irritating of the lot. Usually the family has all, or a combination of the following: the pissed off dad who eats a fried egg angrier than anyone ever has in the past, the frazzled mom who will order an entire meal but not eat it, the child who causes the bathroom to flood, and the child who plays the "Waffle House Birthday Song" on the jukebox no less than twenty six times.