We have all come to know and love Moviefone as the differently-abled older brother of the internet sites such as Movies and Flixster, but how did it come to be and where is it headed? The answer? Who cares and oblivion.

The voice of Moviefone - don't interrupt him...

Just The Facts

  1. The original idea behind Moviefone was to have feature length movies acted out over the phone - this was later changed to giving out showtimes for local cinemas
  2. Despite showing its age, and teetering over the edge of obsolescence Moviefone was bought for $400 million dollars by AOL and they never make bad investments. Ever.
  3. Every time someone calls Moviefone an angel gets its wings

The mechanics of Moviefone

90% of all aggravated assaults since 1989 can be attributed to Moviefone.. I guess

Moviefone - the cause of 67% of all gun crime... I guess.

According to the Society for Female Arousal, most effective female aphrodisiac in 2004 was calling Moviefone and constantly replaying the scheduled showings of The Notebook on speaker-phone.

Why Moviefone still exists today

Despite what Al Gore would have us believe the internet cannot solve all the world's problems.

...cause he invented the internet right?

Some people still struggle with the internet and the wealth of knowledge it provides. Need a t-bone steak but can't leave your house. The internet has got your back. Need someone to dress up as a clown and defecate on your lousy neighbor's front lawn. Click onto craigslist. Need the latest film reviews and showtimes of films in your area. Google, Flixster, Fandango, Yahoo, etc, etc serve up the information without an issue. But if you think that Firefox is the name of one of the horses of the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse then maybe you are more comfortable having your showtimes read to you in a robotic, yet weirdly arousing, voice.

Firefox and his friends

This is where Moviefone comes in. The process is simple. Call up, speak the name of the movie you would like to see, clear your throat, say it again (louder this time), curse, hang up. Walk your fat ass down to the theater to check the times yourself.

How much for a f***ing ticket to Shrek Forever After?!?!

The future of Moviefone

What does the future hold for Moviefone? Who knows. They have a website. Why don't you check that out and let me know if it is any good.

Moviefone - rendering the internet obsolete since 1989