Red Dawn

Nothing says the 1980's more than feathered back hair, Patrick Swayze, and the paranoia that the red menance is going to randomly invade your town.

For it's strategic value, obvioulsy

They took my job!

What should have happened. But the movie would have only been 5 minutes long

Just The Facts

  1. Red Dawn is a good summary of America's Cold War Paranoia
  2. It isn't a good summary of how to lauch a guriella war aganist an occupying force
  3. That teacher at the beginning was a retard
  4. Actually, pretty much everyone in this movie was a retard

The Reds at Dawn, Or Mid-Morning, Actually

Our story of a mid-western sports collective that unites to fight off those damn dirty apes commies begins with local redneck Jed (Swayze) dropping off his little bro (Charlie Sheen, pre-drugs, mostly) and his little buddy off at school. Then shit gets real.

Commies rain down from the sky, interrupt an important lesson on mongolians that's totally going to be on the midterm, and start randomly shooting shit up!

So our brave Jed rescues the children, runs up to the hills, and...cowers

For a good month.


The Dawn Gets Redder, Or Commies Start Dyin

Finally, after dinkin around for a good month in the hills, the boys finally decide to roll into town and see what shakin in the hood after the Russio boys rolled up into the heezy, and began screwin with the beezies.

So yeah, politcal prisoners get takin, emotions get repressed, fathers randomly scream "avenge me!" as their children are sneaking off, and they get their first kills.

Aganist the dumbest communists this side of the tempered steel curtain, who decide to go sight seeing outside the safe zone in hostile territory.

The Voyage of the Dawn Redder, Or Most of the Plot

After their first taste of blood, the children decide the best thing to do is to launch a guerilla war aganist the occupying Russians, Cubans, and a couple of Canadians who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. They call themselves, Wolverines, or rather, one of them randomly screams it, and it kinda sticks.

They somehow learn how to use assault weapons, heavy machine guns, RPGs, and other ordance without any major difficulties, such as say, losing a limb or something.

They launch daring raids with only 6 or 7 people, and somehow take the mickey out of the entire Red Army practically, while sustaining few to no loses. Ever. Until the end.

The Redder the Dawn, Or I'm Out of Ideas

So, after the tragic deaths of several children at he hands of the godless commie scum. (who have slaughtered nearly 10x as many with no mercy) Jed and little bro decide to go Army of Two on the main soviet base so the surviving wolverines can escape to Free America Fuck Yeah

Things go pretty well, they both get shot, they kill them some soviet commanders, hobble out to a park bench, and just kinda die. And that's it. End of movie.

Except for the little rock memorial they get, which apparently no one ever visits, cause really, who gives a shit about a war once it's over?

It's not like anyone died or any...