Bachelor Bordom Cycle

The Bachelor Boredom Cycle is a positive feedback loop of boredom, self abuse, napping, and sandwiches. Each action naturally progresses to the next, to infinity.


Just The Facts

  1. Masturbation euphemisms are the pinnacle of creative dick joke making.
  2. Masturbations researchers actually exist in the real world and are not as useless as you might expect. To the contrary, they even sometimes come in handy. (ba-zing!)
  3. Masturbation puns are not the pinnacle of creative dick joke making, but are included above none the less.

The Bachelor Boredom Cycle, and indepth look.

Human males generally begin to engage in masturbation as soon as they realize they have a penis, even before they actually know what it is.
pregnant belly
Hold still, I can feel him masturbating.
However, the boredom induced masturbation/nap/sandwich cycle doesn't start in earnest until said male is an actual bachelor, living on his own and having a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do.

"The Cycle": Is it for me?

"The Cycle" is also not all inclusive. For example, the mentally disturbed homeless man living (and casually masturbating) in that burned-out Ford Festiva next to the dumpster behind your appartment complex cannot participate in "They Cycle". Sure, he's probably bored, likely a bachelor, and most assuredly masturbating, but he does not possess the financial means or mental wherewithal to regularly procure a sandwich for himself, thussly exluding the possibility of completing a cycle.
In fact, in its simplest form all a bachelor realy needs is a place to nap, lunchmeat, hands, and a dong. Internet access is a contributing factor, but not strictly necessary. The most up-to-date research indicates that in special cases hands may not even be necessary.
Pro Tip: Hot pockets work great in the Bachelor Boredom Cycle as they can either be warmed up and eaten or warmed up and fucked (but never both).
Just look at her, you know she wants it.
...and sometimes neither.

The Cutting Edge

Leading programmers have developed a complex and highly mathematical computer model that simulates an afternoon with nothing to do and accurately predicts male bachelor behavior in such a situation:
10 wake up
20 eat sandwich
30 masturbate
40 nap
50 goto 10
To expedite the process, they used a computer incapable of viewing porn.
It took years of research. Years of auto-erotic research.

Missing Persons

The Bachelor Boredom Cycle is a dangerous whirlpool of antisocial behavior that has snared many young men in its sticky, viscous web. Like heroin, a bachelor male may be hopelessy addicted after completing as little as just one full cycle, and may fall back into the cycle at any moment. Sometimes so many back to back repetitions are endured that the bachelor in question might be mistaken for Tom Hanks from "Castaway" by the time he finally breaks the cycle. And it won't be his vollyballs that get smacked around.

Now, how can I have sex with this?