Slender Man

Picture a bald, pretty tall, skinny white man in a suit. Not too intimidating, right? Okay, now make him into a faceless, taller then Yao Ming monstrosity that stalks people into madness and this is pretty much what we're dealing with here.

Why you are going to die: Exhibit A

I used a calculator this shit is precise.

So yeah have fun walking home at night.

Just The Facts

  1. Slender Man is entirely from the Internet so you know he's going to be messed up.
  2. He has no facial features at all.
  3. He is tall as hell and likes watching you from the trees.
  4. People tend to disappear when he starts to appear.
  5. Shit is scary.

What the hell is that thing?!

Slender Man is perhaps the scariest thing the Internet has ever produced and the Internet is responsible for Meat Spin (I am not giving you a link, goddamn you).

He is a creature of sheer fear. An abnormally tall, skinny humanoid in a suit, with no face to speak of. What's more, he theoretically has the power to either stretch his limbs, utilize shadowy tendrils which can emerge from him, have multiple limbs or all three, it's not clear. Anyone who would really know is either insane or gone or both. It's not really clear.

Other than his appearance, not much is really known to be certain. We think he likes to hide among trees and has a preference to prey on children. What he does with his "victims" it is pretty unclear. Lots of times they just disappear and not even the most relentless hackers of /b/ can track them down. Some stories indicate they turn up on a tree branches like kebabs or in other cases, "hollowed out."

Play time just got real.

So if you have kids, maybe you'll set up a security camera right in their room, right? Keep them and their organs safe? Well see Slender Man has also been known to fuck technology up, particularly any sort of recording device. The picture suddenly becomes static, the audio is missing, your organs have gone missing. How he does it, we don't know. Why he does it, we can only guess. He probably just likes fucking with his audience, make things only more confusing.

I hate this.

So you'll be watching your kids on the nanny cam then all of the sudden shit starts jumping about, visual tearing happens, you see a glimpse of this tall man in a suit and boom, kids are gone.

We have no idea where he comes from, or why he does this, or how he does all of this. He is a living avatar of mankind's fear of the unknown.

AND HE IS MADE UP BY PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET.

Holy fuck, why does he even exist?

Well some really really bored goons decided to make some photo-shopped images of what they think would be scary. Most of them were just cheeky ghosts photo bombing random pictures.

Dinosaurs haunt us all.

But then someone under the username Victor Surge (dibs on naming my kids this) decided, "This shit just ain't scary." He aimed to correct this with a post giving a story about some missing children, the name "Slender Man" and this:

I used to love playgrounds but NOT ANYMORE THANKS VICTOR.

From there, things began to snowball and the Internet was inspired in the worst way possible. New images and creepy stories began to pile up featuring this "Slender Man" and he became somewhat of a favorite of the thread. People ate this stuff up, willingly depriving themselves of sleep and sanity.

I used to like trees, but now I love deforestation.

He started to gain popularity on other places on the Inter-Blag, because if Fred can get famous, then Slender Man can get famous, dammit.

For a long time, thankfully, he managed to stay relatively unknown. A bit of an "underground" meme, if you will. Something for the hipsters to one day look back and say "I was afraid of Slender Man before it was cool."

But then, these two bored kids decided to shoot a video blog called Marble Hornets. As the premise goes, a film student decides to look through the leftover tapes of a peer's abandoned student film which was aptly named... Marble Hornets. This peer, named Alex Kralie, abandoned his project due to "unworkable conditions," which, as it turned out, meant "I AM BEING STALKED BY A CREATURE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND." The vlogger, Jay, posts footage of these tapes on YouTube and tweets about them. Soon enough, Jay starts to suffer from similar conditions and a YouTube responder that suffers from serious technical issues.

Handsome rapist yeah?

Long story short, the series gets thousands of views and comes out with their own DVD. And Slender Man still isn't as popular as fucking Fred. Nonetheless, he began to plague the minds of people everywhere, inspiring similar vlogs and blogs of people who seem normal at first but then whoops Slender Man.

How can I prevent the madness from taking me?

You can't.

What you can do is try to warp the maddening fear with humor. That way, as you try to laugh, you can display a believable exterior of happiness, hiding the gaping void of horror within.

YouTube "shenshashun" NeilCicierega copes with his fear with the so-called "Splendorman," a flamboyant abomination that attempts to eclipse the horrifying original with his parody polkadots.

Others feebly laugh at the 20 dollars meme, started when a man, driven mad by his fear, tried to ease his pain by combining terrible rap music with Marble Hornets. Others latched onto this idea, hoping it'll work to make their nights in the forest a little bit easier, nervously humming the tune to themselves as they walk through the trees.

What if I LIKE soaking in my own urine? WHAT THEN?

What? Marble Hornets isn't enough? More power to you. If you're so masochistically inclined, I reluctantly recommend this game. Some horrible sadists masquerading under the label "Parsec Productions" decided that the whole Slender Man phenomenon just wasn't immersive enough. So one feverish night the team went out in the forest with their laptops, started programming, then things got a bit... hazy. Months later, they all woke up in a cold sweat, each in a different state (one in Canada), and found that a game named "Slender" was uploaded to their website. And, for whatever fever induced reason, it's free.

I wish my handwriting was that good.

If you insist that the horror must not be merely limited to this simulated forest, I seriously suggest seeking psychological counseling before participating in any ARGs. Alternate Reality Games, as they're called, are basically ongoing stories that can be affected by the participation of the audience. They've often been utilized to promote various upcoming features, like Portal 2, or Halo 2. However what I'm talking about isn't your friendly "get pumped for our upcoming release" ARG, we're talking about people who role play in a world submerged in the arms of Slender Man for FUN. You know, crazies. Feel free to join them, but keep in mind that following an ARG will almost certainly eat your soul time.