Mortal Kombat

Mortal Kombat. Creating serial killers before GTA was swimming in Rockstar's nutsack.

The rainbow from hell.

Just The Facts

  1. Just changing the color of something makes it individual. Just ask 90% of teenage girls.
  2. If you punch someone hard enough, their arms will explode.
  3. Much like when you're an 11 year old girl and your uncle is visiting, "GET OVER HERE!" isn't a choice.

The Game

Mortal Kombat was created by Ed Boon and John Tobias to give parents a swift kick to the nuts. With vast amounts of violence and the ability to kill your opponent, it raised eyebrows and helped create the ESRB. Otherwise known as, "that rating your mom won't pay attention to." In the MK universe, there are 6 realms(Earthrealm, Netherrealm, Outworld, Orderrealm, Chaosrealm, and Edenia) and if any realm wants to invade another realm, they must declare Mortal Kombat and to take it over completely, 10 consecutive tournaments must be won. Simultaneously the easiest way to invade and the hardest to conquer. In the first MK game, the Earth has lost 9 already to Shang Tsung. An Outworld sorcerer. We fucking suck. 9 years without a win? Come on. Lesnar couldn't step in or nothing?



But no, Liu Kang was the hero for us in MK. With so many fireballs, flying kicks, and Asian Earth saving, a kid from the millenium would think it was Dragonball Z. Along side him, Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade. Johnny, a headstrong Hollyword actor and comic relief and Sonya being the bitchy law enforment type. You know the one. All three guarded by the God of thunder, Raiden. Not the "run around naked barely covering balls" Raiden either. This Raiden was the baddest of all asses. With a lightning bolt that'll cook you like a George Foreman and a Ghandi stick, this guy will fuck you up quicker than Tyler Perry fucked up the black community.

Three Other Kharacters

Sub-Zero: An ice based character from the Lin Kuei clan of assassins. There are two Sub-Zeros. One older, who was killed by Scorpion while trying to assassinate Shang Tsung in the first game. After that, his younger brother took his name and his ice based attacks and decided to act on the assassination. Creativity does not run in the family. Both Sub-Zeros could freeze their enemies but if you tried to freeze something that was frozen, you best watch yourself. That shit'll come back at you.

Scorpion: A ninja who was killed by Sub-Zero, then came back to life as a hell-spawn to kill the older Sub-Zero. Who will now be referred to as Classic Sub-Zero because this shit is hard enough to keep up with as it is and it only gets worse. When he removed his mask, only a skull is revealed that spits fire. Fire and ice fighting? No fucking way. The now famous cries of "GET OVER HERE!" and "COME HERE!" were shouted whenever his special spear move happend. A knife on a  rope dug into your abdomen, pulled you closer, and stunned you. If you go by the movie, a retarded dragon on an umbilical cord flew around for a while.

Noob Saibot: Classic Sub-Zero. After being killed by the undead Scorpion, Classic Sub-Zero came back as a wraith from Outworld. In the MK world, Wraith means, "Cheapest secret fight in the entire fucking universe." Noob Saibot is "Boon Tobias" backwards. The two creators behind MK.

MK revealed that, other than you can replace C with K, you can flush out characters storylines till they make absolutely no goddamn sense.

New School

Once the old way of killing by spine ripping gets boring, there are other finishing moves that you can do. Brutality, Animality, Babality, Friendship.

Everyone's Brutality is essentially the same. They beat the everloving shit out of the person that just got their ass handed to them until the point of explosion.

Can you guess what an animality is? I bet you can! The character turns into an animal and kills their opponent. The animal fits the character... sometimes. Lui Kang turns into a dragon. That is now a famous fatality. Nightwolf becomes a wolf. Sub-Zero, a polar bear. But the others... well. Cyrax, a robot, turns into a shark, that eerily resembles the one from JAWS. So I can only assume they are the same. Mileena turns into a skunk and literally stinks the other person to death. Scorpion gets the worst of it though. He turns into a fucking penguin. His name is Scorpion for Christ's sake. It's right there. "Scorpion!"

Babality's turn your adversary in a baby. Presumably the baby has SIDS given the content of this game.

And last, the Friendship. Instead of killing the other person, you do something nice for them. Put on a puppet show. Blow some bubbles. Introduce them to your son...