Dance Music

Take one piledriving 4/4 drumbeat, add one well known sample of a better artists work and feed into a distortion unit. Mix with a little handclapping and sprinkle with a dash of vocals according to taste. Result, a dance music masterpiece. Probably.

An early outdoor rave rig (and roadcrew)

Every House nightclub at 3am

Just The Facts

  1. "Phattage" is the unit of bassline measurement in dance music.
  2. Its classed as Techno if your ears weep blood.
  3. Categorisation of Dance music provokes as much debate as to who truely owns The Gaza Strip.

Bluffers guide to Dance music

Know your progressive from your speed garage with this handy guide to electronic music:

The DJ

At one time the main draw to a nightclub, a Dj was a box of records with an ego and a Coke problem. Later replaced by a laptop as much less prone to sneaking to the toilets for a crafty line or banging most of the clubs clientle.

"When i say HOUSE you say PARTY, HOUSE..."

The Crowd

It aint a party if its just you and your Gheto Blaster, dance crowds can either be the most friendly people you are ever likey to meet (whilst chemically altered) or darnright off their freaking heads batshit insane. From dayglo Transvestite stilt walkers to sticky tape wearing nymphos, the dancefloor is a walking, talking description of why they say "they only come out at night".

Do you erm...come here often?

The Rig

Bigger is better (no matter how many times your girlfriend smirks at you and says size doesn't matter) and the same rings true for nightclubs. Capacity, music volume, headline Dj, the late 90's were the hayday for the Superclubs. Custom built venues with state of the art lighting rigs and sound systems dominated the scene and most urban spaces were plastered in (illegal) posters promoteing the next weekends lineup. It also helped if your speaker stack could blast a grown man to the ground at 20 paces

Sitting that close might be a bad idea...

Emergency Dancefloor Identification (for the novice clubber)

Its dark and loud... theres a crowd or angry looking, shirtless skinheads thowing their heads back and forth rapidly.. Looking around there isnt a single female form to be seen. Some guy keeps coming up to me enthusiastically asking "Lieben sie DJ Hell"? The sounds of Satans own Jackhammer pounding away at a sheet of wrought iron thunders in my ears...

You are in: A Techno club

This is similar to listening to Techno

Its dark and loud... I'm amoungst a crowd of beautiful women and statuesque men, neither of whom look too impressed to count me amongst their ranks. Its a sea of designer labels and expensive haircuts and the air hangs heavy with a colourful cocktail of light perfume and musky aftershave. Mirrors adorn the ceiling, the walls, and the sunglasses of the occasional male models who pout and thrust with nary a thought of whom there groin hurtles towards. I recall a rough frisk and sharp attitude from the door staff. I'm holding an apple martini and nobody bats an eyelid...

Looking something like this

You are in: A House club

Its dark and loud.. yet I can see the stars. Neon shapes blur around me, whistles sound and saucer shaped eyes peer into my existance and tell me they love me, and that this is the best "Choon" ever. The smell of soiled toilets lingers in the air, though none can be seen.

"Can anyone else smell that?"

You are at: An outdoor Rave