Morgan Freeman

For centuries, the greatest moments in history - cinematic and otherwise - have been narrated by one voice: Morgan Freeman's. Due to the popularity of his voice, Morgan has a complicated process for choosing future projects.

That's no small feat.

Just The Facts

  1. Much like an old prostitute's vagina, Morgan Freeman's voice is deep and comforting.
  2. We will never be able to thank Morgan Freeman enough for his involvement with the Dark Knight - the first movie with the balls to give Maggie Gyllenhaal what she deserves.
  3. Morgan's friends just call him "God."

Kofi, Nelson or Morgan?

How well do you know Morgan Freeman? Could you accurately spot him if you saw him in public? Let's play a game: for the next three photos, write down who you think is in each picture - Kofi Annan, Nelson Mandela or Morgan Freeman.

Accepting an award

Accepting another award...

Enough with the awards!

If you answered "Nelson Mandela, Kofi Annan and Morgan Freeman," then surprise: THEY WERE ALL MORGAN FREEMAN. (Editor's note: it hasn't been proven that Morgan Freeman, Kofi Annan and Nelson Mandela are, in fact, the same person - but it hasn't been disproven, either.)

Morgan Freeman's voice gives life - and totally taketh it way.

It is important that we all ask ourselves one question in life: "Have I accepted Morgan Freeman's voice as my Lord and Savior?" This is vital, as Morgan Freeman's voice holds the key to life.

If Morgan likes something, it is graced with health and good fortune. Case-in-point: Morgan Freeman's voice over work for "March of the Penguins" is both the reason for penguins' existence (Source: the case of Milwaukee's Best that got me through the first 35 minutes of that "movie") and the reason we know they don't spend most of their time dancing to Stevie Wonder tunes - though that would be more entertaining.

When Morgan doesn't like something, however, it quickly learns to be more awesome - or it ceases to exist.

Morgan Freeman once turned down a role in Jurassic Park because he thought the idea of movie about dinosaurs was silly - going so far as to refer to the prehistoric animals as "damn beasts." Dinosaurs - being surprisingly sensitive creatures, depsite their bellies full of caveman flesh - promptly gave up on living. Scientists sometimes refer to this theory as "not reputable," "completely made up" or simply "entirely illogical, nonsensical and insulting."

Still...science can't explain why dinosaurs suddenly felt like falling over and dying sounded better than continuing to treat the Earth like a Golden Corral buffet. To this day, science's best theory explaning the disappearance of dinosaurs is the "extinction level event theory." This theory suggests that dinosaurs woke up one morning to find the Earth resembling the abandoned set of "Waterworld" - which we have to admit, sounds like one of our worst nightmares - and made the only choice they could.

It's this, or face a future where Kevin Costner is your only hope.

Morgan Freeman's voice makes everything hopeful/sexy

The following is an excerpt from the movie "The Shawshank Redemption." To this day, no other movie has successfully merged repeated, brutal prison rape with hope.