Mike Tyson

Just The Facts

  1. Mike Tyson was a professional boxer, who became the undisputed heavyweight champion of the Galaxy.
  2. He is the youngest man to ever win the WBC, WBA, and IBF heavyweight titles. Blindfolded.
  3. He is best known for biting a portion of Evander's Holyfield ear off during a fight.
  4. Look at the URL. What does it say? 666. Mike Tyson speaks.

A History of Violence

Tyson in preschool.

Even as a child, he was batshit insane. His father left the family, so Tyson turned to crime. By the time he was thirteen years old, he had been arrested 38 times. He was sent to a juvenile deliquence school, where he caught the eye of one of the counselors when he started boxing.

When he ran out of bears to eat...

The counselor was a former boxer, so he saw the Force in Tyson. He trained Tyson, and soon he ended up in the Junior Olympic Games. Mike won the gold medal, and set a record for the quickest KO: Eight seconds. Just enough time to realize that you're on the mat.

His boxing career was basically a decade of Tyson kicking everyone's ass. After he held three world championship belts at the same time, he went on to beat the Olympic boxing gold medalist. Nintendo even published a game for him, entitled Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!.

The game, which featured Tyson as the final boss, had a notorious reputation for be as im-fucking-possible to beat as Tyson himself. Mike later fought Michael Spinks, a heavyweight champion who had a 32-0 record. The fight lasted 91 seconds. Michael Spinks never fought again. That, by definition, is an ass-whipping on an unprecedented level.

Mike Tyson fought Buster Douglas on Februrary 11, 1990. Even though the odds were stacked heavily against Buster, he managed to fuck Tyson's life over with enough hooks to send Tyson sprawling on the mat for the first time in his professional boxing career. He lost the match, and his dignity. And his temper.

That wouldn't stop Tyson though. He was pissed off that his next two fights ended in the first round, with him claiming the victories. He then beat another Olympic boxing gold medalist, and went on to fight Donovan Ruddick, who was considered one of the hardest punching heavyweights at the time.

Mike Tyson's right fist once ate an orphanage.

Tyson dropped him in 12 rounds with a unanimous decision from the judges. He was scheduled to fight the world heavyweight champion, but before he could, he was arrested for the rape of Desiree Washington.

While serving his prison time, Tyson converted to Islam. He served three out of six years, got out of jail, and started boxing again. After a couple of push-over fights, Tyson was ready to fight the world heavyweight champion again. And who was the world champion? Evander Holyfield.

Before.

The Holyfield-Tyson fight was one of the most groundbreaking fights in sports history, for several reasons. First off, both contenders were paid about $30 million, the highest boxing purse at the time. That's a lot of fucking money just to beat the shit out of each other. The fight was watched by about 2 million households on pay-per-view, which set a record at the time. Oh, and there's also the fact that Tyson bit the guy's ear off.

After.

After he was disqualified for biting a portion of Holyfield's ear off, he was subsequently disqualified from boxing in the United States for a temporary amount of time. A year later, his license was restored.

Obviously the commission board was getting tired of watching little pussies dance around the ring, and they knew that bringing Tyson back into the ring would restore publicity. He started fighting again, but was arrested again for assaulting two people after a traffic accident. You don't fucking hit Tyson. Or his car.

This man beats people for a living, and you put PINK CUFFS on him?

He went on to fight a couple more times, but in 2003 he filed for bankruptcy (presumably from all the legal charges). He quit the professional boxing world, but eventually returned in 2006 to help pay off some debts.

Mike also thought about being a pornstar, supposedly because he has a 14-inch wong. He keeps this fact concealed because anyone that sees it automatically shits their pants. And Mike doesn't take shit from anybody.

A History of WTF Quotes

Mike Tyson really doesn't know what the fuck comes out of his mouth. Some of the things that he says make you wonder how many times his mom dropped him on his head when he was a kid. For example:

  • "Being a champion opens lots of doors-I'd like to get a real estate license, maybe sell insurance."

  • "It's nothing personal, but I'm going to kill this guy."

  • "I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

  • "All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

  • "I like the British bikes. I like British people. They're real mellow."

  • "I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."