Kung Fu

“Destruction cometh; and they shall seek peace, and there shall be none.” Ezekiel 7:25. This quote refers to the end of the world, not via nucleur war, nor via an alien armada. Via Kung Fu. Cantonese style.

Karate is just gonna lead to a serious nut slapping my friend

Kung Fu about to bring it to a mother fucking bear

A potential army of ass kickery warming up their Kung Fu

Just The Facts

  1. All Chinese are well versed in Kung Fu.
  2. No really, no matter how many times you are accused of racial stereo typing. Its genetic or something.
  3. Up until 1846, Kung Fu was the offical language, national anthem and currency of China.


4001 years ago, if you lived in china and some young hoodlum "dissed" your threads or made saucy advances towards one of your better looking wives, you were shit out of luck. Punching hadn't yet being invented and the mac 10 was a few thousaund years away, the best you could do was make questionable remarks about his/her parantage.

All that changed a year later.

Legend has it that the Yellow emperor Huangdi introduced the concept of Kung Fu (literal translation - Fists of Death) to the masses as a means of combating increasing wind dragon attacks and as a fad excercise programme for the aspiring Geisha.

Popular Styles

Old School

Antique stores tucked away in dodgy neighbourhoods, crumbing bookshops standing alone in newly developed shopping districts, small noodle carts nestled alongside the local noodlerama emporium. Logic dictates these business should of gone under years ago, brought out or demolished by the rolling juggernaut that is capitalism. Yet they remain. Chances are they harbour the first of the popular schools of Kung Fu, the "Old School" master.

Not your old school master, just to clear that up.

Short in stature, long in proverbs and ceremonial gowns, these mild mannered folk scrape together a living selling old clocks, older squid bits and the occasional mogwai. Yet when provoked (maybe by a greedy corporate mogul wishing to build a new branch of Costa Coffee on Gen Shu's Books, Books, Books) an ancient and terrifying force is unleashed. Beard, foot, and fist unite becoming a maelstrom of pain systematically attacking joints, tendons and presure point after pressure point. Oh, and the longer the beard/eyebrows, the more your bones are going to get liquified. Thats Science kids, Kung Fu style.

Theres a reason these guys dont pay protection money.


Badly Dubbed

In an attempt to educate the West about the potential shit kicking they'd be in for if they ever fucked with China, movie companies brought up Chinese "Teach Yourself Uber Pwning" Videos such as Enter the Dragon, Re Enter the Dragon (Its less popular and slightly blue sequel) and Rumble in the Bronx, and released them into cinemas nationwide.

The reaction, mass panic.


Here was a people who didnt take turns hitting each other untill one fell over, this was incoming pain from every conceivable angle, and the chronic dubbing didnt help lessen the fear any.

Some belive the actors are so unbelievably hard that when they spoke their lines, they actually punch time in the dick with their words (thus leading to the slight time delay beween the mouth moving and reality getting its shit back together and delivering said words, usually in an overtly bravadoesque american accent) .

Many audiences first glimpse of a typical Kung Fu practioner

Animal Kung Fu

Animal forms are central to Kung Fu, the Praying Mantis, Monkey and White Crane being three of the most common. However, an entire country of highly lethal gymnast peasants death bringers wasnt deemed enough of a detterant to potential invaders.

So they taught it to the animals too.

They taught it to tigers. They taught it to apes. They taught it to cattle. The whole freaking country was a landmine of nipple biting, gooch punching peril.

They started them young

The reason they built that wall?

Seriously guys you do not want to step in here